DH just broke his hand arguing

[bigblackhole]

Just need to distract myself I can't go to A&E I've to stay here with 3DC (6mo, 2 and 5).

Feel fucking appalled at us and ashamed. His BIL just picked him up.

'I think we need help'

I think you do as well. Punching inanimate objects is a recognised form of domestic violence. You may not think you are in danger but, if you are self harming (pinching yourself etc) in response to high stress, your mental health is already being damanged. If there are children in the house, they will be damaged by the behaviour they are experiencing.

If he's depressed he should see a doctor urgently. If you are anxious you should also seek help.

I really want to sympathise. You have been together 29 years and are under a huge amount of stress, but you have to look objectively at the terrible dynamic that time and habit has created.

To be pinching and slapping yourself is deeply unhealthy. For your DH to do so much damage to his hand in a tantrum,nana for you to then seem intent on blaming yourself, is just awful.

You have given him permission to silence and intimate you and he has so little self control and sense of responsibility that he has sabotaged his own employment.

It's awful. A terrible atmosphere, terrible behaviours you are modelling for your children. The tension and anxiety in your home sounds enormous.

Ok firstly. Thank you all for last night. Things seem clearer in the light of day. He's cast and home. Sees the gand surgeon next week for a decision. Really really hoping it's going to set and not need surgery.

He feels a total idiot and says he has to live with the consequences. I've accepted I obviously am not handling the stress of our life as we know it being ruined at the sane time as giving birth to DD3. Functioning isn't ok I should be able to be happy and will see my GP monday.

I will however defend my relationship and DCs. This is the FIRST time we have had a stonking argument ending in any form of aggression since we were teenagers. There has never been violence to each other. This is the FIRST time we have hsd raised words while the kids were in the home throughout this whole bloody debacle and only the baby woke and the toddler stirred and I went instantly to cuddle her.

I defy any one of you to get through the utter shitstorm we have been through without some cracks appearing but I love my husband and we have already sworn blind to each other this can never happen again.

My kids are happy, well adjusted very loved little things. I'm not stupid I know they must pick up I'm down as DC1 in particular is more clingy than normal but to say someone with PND is hurting their kids isn't helpful. I feel like shit as it is. :(

Sorry, OP, but your arguments don't have to be in front of your DCs for them to be affected by the tension and anger you describe.

I'm pleased you're going to see your GP. I hope you get a sympathetic response.

I am glad things feel clearer this morning and I'm pleased that life is clearly less bleak than your post.
I don't think anyone was trying to make you feel shit - certainly I was not - but your posts last night included many things that sound really troubling.
Ignoring those and saying 'there there' would not, in my view, be especially helpful.

I would also say you need to think beyond pnd and get your gp to help you with that. I had pnd and then was treated on and off for depression for about 15 years. It was only when a few things came together that a light switched on and I (and my gp) realised I actually have anxiety. Now I am getting the right support it has taken only a few months for me to feel a thousand times better.

Hi, I really feel for you. Sorry I can't really help with the emotional stuff at the minute (going through my own :() but I wanted to say that my DH broke his ankle in the summer, and I thought we'd be fucked with money. He was in a temporary job and off work for 8 weeks. They also reckoned he'd need surgery.

He didn't need an operation, work kept him in and although it was very hard at first but somehow we got through it. He received Statutory Sick Pay and the council paid our rent.

Good luck x

You are seeing a snapshot I understand that but do you really think every couple going through the mill should separate? Or give up their children until life is a bed of roses again?

We have more good days as a couple than bad and those bad days are moody not shouty. And that moodiness is caused by external factors not us as people. Of course the kids will be able to tell either one of us is stressed but they've never heard us argue before. Not even in sleep.

Last night was the anomaly that has been a huge wake up call unfortunately with consequences. We will make moves to fix it and will never behave like an idiotic teenager again that's for sure.

Now I think I may bow out. I have DS2s swimming party to prepare for joy!

I'm sure the OP feels terrible enough without people telling her how awful it must be for her dc.

Pag sorry crosspost. And actually while it's an uncomfortable truth you are right. DH came home and pointed out if someone outside heard is they'd have called SS (still hope to god they didn't) and he would have done if he'd have heard us.

I don't want to admit that to myself but he (and you) are right. We need to ensure this remains a fucking humiliating 1 off.

God, so many of the good choices I have made came from doing things the same way for years and reaching some point of crisis. I never wake up happy in the knowledge I just always got it right - that's Katie Hopkins, and who the hell would want to be her.
You have to get a wake up call sometimes don't you?

You are right too - you should be happier. You all deserve that.
Good luck

Not much to add to the above ground caring posts but to say that about your age we went through a terrible time. We had children, husband ended up in a psychiatric unit, looked like we were going to lose home, it went on and on and I remember him punching a lamp post and injuring his hand. It didn't sort itself out overnight but gradually and slowly things improved. What I will say to you is that I worked hard at supporting him which was draining but as time went on it was clear that it formed a strong bond which was repaid to me when I was ill and since then. My daughter told me that he told her that he worships the ground I walk on. Only saying this as we were married at your age and we grew up together. We stuck together through real shit and it paid off. Life still keeps throwing problems at us but we are happy. You love each other and you have a lovely family.. Keep going and things will get better. Troubles never come in ones. It's a bad patch. Kiss and make up. A Happy New Year.

OP I really feel you need proper RL help for the underlying problems before you start to look at relationship issues. I'm worried you've both been swept under through fire fighting on every front. Can I ask have you felt able to take any positive action since your last thread? Have you spoken to any professional advisors? You should be able to get a free half hour with a commercial contracts lawyer with expertise in SME businesses - preferably at a firm that also advises on insolvency. Have you received any debt advice yet? www.stepchange.org/Debtinformationandadvice/Debtsolutions/Debtconsolidation/Debtconsolidationcalculator.aspx Is a charity I used to do some work with. They can advise you generally and will also act as an intermediary with creditors so that the letters stop coming and you have a bit of breathing space. You can talk to them online you don't have to pick up the phone. Have you seen a GP or health visitor? You must look after yourself for the sake of the whole family. Look how things are spiralling out of control.

Thank you all Happy it's good to hear of someone through the other side!

Tonight thank you I did speak to Stepchange and they put me on to business debt line who were helpful but ultimately we paid a liquidator and they advised us to pay the bastards who forged the pg because we couldn't afford the lawyers to prove otherwise and if we got a CCJ the new employer would have let DH go. So we borrowed yet more to pay all that. There is now a whole other saga of the ex buss partner/friend claiming my work as his own and the new employer despite being a large multinational failed to pay DH in Oct or Nov. Eventually paying some mid Dec and have now not paid December. He's an employee too not contractor!

Its knock after knock and this is going to be tipping point I'm going to have to start begging for payment breaks and hope that good history has some merit.

I haven't seen HV in a while but think I'm going to next week. It's just left us feeling like there will be no let up, what's next? And realising that you actually have very few real friends who aren't fairweather.

OP the bigger the company the later they pay. It stinks really. You're not the only person who's been there. Never expect payment within 3 months from the big fish.

He's on payroll though. I'd expect that from a contract/freelance but payroll it's disgraceful!

Cottage, he's an employee.

BBH. It sounds like you have had a terrible, terrible time. The good thing is that you both seems to be pulling together and not blaming each other. You can work through this, but you need help. Both of you need tongi to your GP's and be honest about how bad it is. If you need AD's to get through this, then you need them, both of you.

DH needs to start looking for another job. A big company doesn't not pay the payroll when things are ok. It might be a glitch with some ditzy in payroll the first time, but not 3 times in a row.

Years ago we went through a liquidation of our company, which we then bought back from the liquidators. Essentially to get rid of 2 of the partners who were destroying it. But we nearly went under and actually, it probably would have been easier to in hindsight. It just drags on & on & ends you up in some horrible, horrible rows with each other and others. I'd only wish it on my enemies!

Those flashes of happiness at your Mum's...that can be your life. You just need to get through this shit. Be kind to each other.

OP, if he's on payroll, it should NOT happen. I'd expect a one-off payment until the paperwork, NI payments, pension etc is sorted, but that should have been long sorted if he started in October.
I know it's another thing on your plate, but give his HR a call on Monday and make sure you get the responsible person. It is disgraceful.
All the best to you

agree Chipping, it sounds fishy. Let's hope it is down to a useless HR person.

To be honest if i didn't manage the joint accounts I'd start to be suspicious he was even working I'm so surprised that a hufe co could act this way but I've had a letter with his new tax code for them from HMRC weeks ago so they are quick enough to do that! He's been at his boss about it but no action so far. I'll tell him to try and get a direct line for HR.

Chipping it's fucking awful isn't it? We've let the functioning co go but sold the lease co and the new owner hasn't paid the rent or us for some assets we (not the liquidated co) still own in there, yet another person this ex partner set us up with then screwed over by abandoning. So they are at us for the rent even though we legally have no responsibility because they can't find him.

Pffff. Got to say offloading here helps. Everything is very "normal" today but I think that's a danger maybe? The dark place I was last night and last time I posted seems like other people entirely which then leads you to believe you can manage and all is fine. But can you still be "normal" and depressed? Not happy just trogging along?

Glad talking it through helps a bit. There's always someone on here whenever you need a listening ear - or at least I've always found it so. From what you say it sounds like this business with your DH arose out of genuine anger and frustration at the horrible situation you are in but it pays to be mindful. He needs to find a healthier way to channel it... but he's probably worked that out by now!