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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's back.

30 replies

emmalouise1091 · 26/12/2014 17:04

Hi everyone. I posted a few months ago about my fiancé who left me whilst I was 20 weeks pregnant. The baby is now due in roughly two weeks. He got back in contact with me on Christmas Day saying he loves me and wants to see the baby and that we should be together. When we split up he said he had no interest in seeing the baby and had a new girlfriend within a few days of us splitting.
Basically I'm wondering what would you do? Should I try again with him and give him the benefit of the doubt or just forget him. I feel so guilty because If I don't try it's my fault my daughter won't have her mum and dad together at any point in her life. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 26/12/2014 17:09

Better one parent who is devoted to her than someone who wants to drop in and out of her life when he feels like it. It would take more than a regretful Christmas phone call to convince me. Take everything with a healthy punch of salt.

tribpot · 26/12/2014 17:11

Does he have any suggestions for how he might win back your trust? Any reasonable explanation for why he left and why he's now come back?

Personally I would say you are far too vulnerable to consider restarting a relationship with him right now, perhaps in six months that's something you might look at. In the meantime the emphasis is on the baby and supporting you as primary caregiver in the early days. Talk about how he can help in practical ways - cooking, cleaning, nappies, grocery shopping.

I suspect you will find he's gone before you've got on to the list of ways he can support you.

AngieBolen · 26/12/2014 17:11

I wouldn't try to have a relationship with him, but if he wanted a relationship with the child I wouldn't prevent that.

I'm guessing he's now split up with his girl friend? Funny how he's now interested in you again.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/12/2014 17:11

Its not your fault, it's his.

Don't take him back. He'll be off again when he fancies it.

Lweji · 26/12/2014 17:14

God, no, don't try with him.

He can still be a father without being with you.
Chances are he was kicked out and is now thinking you'll just take him back.

It's not your fault mum and dad aren't together. It's fully his. He walked out. And he rejected both you and her.

If he wants to be with either of you, he should show long term commitment, not just a message on Christmas. I bet he won't.

Wrapdress · 26/12/2014 18:06

Having had a baby without the presence of the father, I would say let him come to the birth of his baby. A relationship may be unwise, but he should see the birth. It may promote bonding with the baby.

FelicityGubbins · 26/12/2014 18:13

I would say opposite of wrapdress, in no circumstance have this man at the birth of your baby, it's often a painful and undignified process and yo need people who truly have your back there, not stupid bastards who fuck off half way through the pregnancy. If he wants to be part of your daughters life then he needs to buck his ideas up pretty sheepish doesn't he!

FelicityGubbins · 26/12/2014 18:14

Sharpish not sheepish

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 26/12/2014 18:15

God no, only have people who you love and trust or who are medical professionals at the birth of your baby.

Finola1step · 26/12/2014 18:15

First thing you must find out.. What's happened to the gf?

Lweji · 26/12/2014 18:15

A man who walked out on me would be the last person I'd want at the birth.
He is likely to be as useful as nothing.
You should ask a trusted relative or friend, instead.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2014 18:18

his girlfriend dumped him then

you would be a fool to take him back

let him have a relationship with the baby once it is born but I suspect it will be very shortlived.

Wrapdress · 26/12/2014 18:19

It was the medical personnel at my son's birth who were so utterly rude and mean to me because there was no daddy present. Very negative, very judgmental.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 26/12/2014 18:20

What Felicity and Askbasil said.

Forget about him, just concentrate on you and the baby. You need constants in your life at this time and not someone who couldn't give a shit unless they've just been dumped.

It's a myth that children need two parents at home together if one is utter rubbish. Better to have just one good one. You don't need to be with someone for the sake of the child and that's doesn't mean they can't have a relationship.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 26/12/2014 18:22

Cross posted also and agree with Anyfucker.

Sorry that was your experience wrap dress but it has no relevance here and is certainly no reason to have a flaky fuckwit at the birth.

Lweji · 26/12/2014 18:24

feeling very invisible
:)

Having someone there is always advisable, IMO. You are left alone for periods of time, and may be somewhat out of it due to things like gas and air or pethidine.
But not this twat.

WildGeese · 26/12/2014 18:31

Wrapdress that is dreadful advice. Giving birth is not done for the benefit of spectators. It is an incredibly intimate experience, and the OP needs to have people with her who will be able to offer their unconditional support.

emmalouise1091 - your priority should be your own and your baby's wellbeing. I imagine that being in the same room as him even at a time when you are feeling your best would be an emotional and difficult experience after what he's done, so please don't feel pressured to have him with you at a time when you will be so vulnerable. Whether or not he bonds with his child will be entirely down to how he chooses to behave in the days, weeks, months and years after she is born.

Starlightbright1 · 26/12/2014 18:34

I can completely understand the wanting to be a family...This is completely wrong time to make any descision.

I assume Christmas has not gone well with new GF no matter what he tells you.

I am not sure why there is a debate about father or no one at the birth..You want somewhere there who can support you.

He can be a Dad without been in a relationship with you.

What benefit of the doubt are you giving him?

WildGeese · 26/12/2014 18:35

If he loves you and wants to see the baby he has plenty of time to demonstrate that. And you don't have to give him the benefit of the doubt to allow him to. Take care of yourself x

gamerchick · 26/12/2014 18:37

He's been dumped and is in temporary accommodation.

Don't let him come back until he's earned it.

Sandthorn · 26/12/2014 18:39

I think I remember you, Emmalouise... He's done this several times before, hasn't he? Dumped you, then came crawling back when his other options dried up? If you want your children to learn that it's fine for a man to treat you like shit, then by all means take him back, but I think they deserve a mother with some self respect. You know it's madness to keep doing the same things but to expect different results.

Annarose2014 · 26/12/2014 18:40

You're having a baby in two weeks?

This is NOT the time to try to resurrect a romantic relationship. How do you think sex is gonna work? Though I did it at 40 wks to try to get things moving, it certainly wasn't the hottest sex ever! Bloody awkward at that size, truth be told. After the birth you'll be bleeding for a month, and may have stitches - I'm 6 wks post baby & still haven't done anything, thanks to infection.

Do you think he'll be up for an essentially sexless relationship for the next two months?

Also the sleeplessness. Its a killer even in the most stable of relationships. Not too bad if you're not needing to please anyone but baby....but with a guy who's getting literally no attention? Yikes.

Tbh, the baby won't remember anything for the next four years - do you think he's going to be still singing this tune in four years time? He'll be long gone, & baby won't know he was ever even there. So pointless.

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 26/12/2014 20:01

Thanks everyone for your advice. My mum will be at the birth regardless because she's been there for me every step of the way. It's not so much fore because although I wouldn't say I'm 'over' him, I'm certainly not crying into my cornflakes anymore. The only reason I was even considering giving it a go is so my daughters born into a family unit.
In general I'm much happier without him just can't shake the guilt that my daughter might not have a dad and it could be possibly my fault.
Rationally I know it was him who left so it's all his doing.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/12/2014 20:03

But he was certain that he could come back to you.

Tell him to knob off. You don't want to subject your baby to the relationship that you and he have when together.

At least think of that.

tribpot · 26/12/2014 20:05

Whether or not she has a dad is down to him. He can be a fully-involved co-parent without being in a relationship with you. Or he can be a feckless, irresponsible tosser with or without being in a relationship with you. Don't go there - at least, don't go there now. See how things are in six months or a year, you don't need to make a decision now.

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