Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After dating 2.5 years should partners spend all Xmas Day together?

40 replies

TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 00:45

I'm just wondering. Do you think after dating for 2.5 years would it be unreasonable for my boyfriend to spend the whole of Christmas Day at my house?

He usually goes out with bis brothers Christmas Eve, sleeps at mine, then goes to his Mum's for Christmas dinner about midday. He then comes back later that evening.
Her other sons and (I think, but can't imagine why not) their partners also go. Their Mum lives alone.

I have two young children. He has none. We are both mid 40s. We don't live together.

I have never been invited by himself or his Mum, of course not everyone could fit around the table, but I suspect there's the usual eating dinner on the laps anyway.

He lived with someone for a long time prior to me, and they always stayed at their home together for Christmas.

I also feel a bit irrelevant when Christmas cards from his family are only addressed to me and the children, and he gets his own cards addressed just to him.
He stays every weekend, we have been on holiday together, my children call him Daddy.
Do you think perhaps his family don't consider us a proper couple yet?
I'm quite old fashioned, and it makes me a bit sad somehow.

OP posts:
IAmAShitHotLawyer · 25/12/2014 00:56

Have you asked him to spend the day with you and have dinner at yours

Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 01:02

No, because I wouldn't want to make him feel guilty about not going to his Mum's.

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 25/12/2014 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 01:04

He lives in a small flat, he couldn't find space for us and his family on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 25/12/2014 01:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BackforGood · 25/12/2014 01:06

I wouldn't expect people who don't live together to necessarily spend Christmas day together, no.

I also am wondering the same as the others - have you not talked about this earlier in the year - you know, maybe invited him, if you wanted him to spend the day there with you ?

TheAwfulDaughter · 25/12/2014 01:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 01:09

'People who don't live together shouldn't expect to spend Christmas Day together'

Ok, Thankyou, that probably sums it up for me.
I think Itake this relationship more seriously than other people perhaps. I'll cool off on the matter a bit I think.

OP posts:
BOFster · 25/12/2014 01:13

Out of curiosity, why do your children call him Daddy? It seems unusual to me, if he doesn't live with you all. Is their dad not on the scene? And if he has taken on the role of their father, I'm surprised you aren't seen as more of a permanent couple by his family.

TheAwfulDaughter · 25/12/2014 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 04:04

The children are very young, that's why they've taken to calling him Daddy I suppose. Their birth father has been totally absent for 3 years now. The youngest has only met him a small handful of times.

OP posts:
Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 04:05

Yes, TheAwfulDaughter, I'd like to live with him. It's sort of been lightly discussed before, but his response is generally that he's 'a plodder' .

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 25/12/2014 04:49

If you've only been together for 2.5 yrs, don't live together, the relationship isn't seen as a serious one by him or his family and your youngest has only met him a 'handful of times', then your children should absolutely not be calling him daddy FFS!

He's not their dad, he's your boyfriend and, by the sound of it, not a particularly serious one.

When the chn started calling him that, you should have corrected them. They were trying to make sense of the situation and work out what was what. Not making a decision.

FolkGirl · 25/12/2014 04:51

I think Itake this relationship more seriously than other people perhaps.

I think so, too.

magpieginglebells · 25/12/2014 05:37

My husband and I had separate Christmases for the first 10 years of our relationship. It was easier to just go to our own parents houses. This was even after we lived together. Everyone's different.

Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 14:48

folkgirl

My youngest has only met their birth father a couple of times, not my boyfriend. He's known my boyfriend since he was a baby. I left their birth father when he was 4 weeks old. Why the FFS?

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 25/12/2014 15:37

Ahh it wasn't clear that you were talking about the youngest only seeing birth father a handful if times. I read as the bf - my apologies!

The FFS would have been warranted if you'd been so desperate that you'd allowed them to calla man they'd only met a few times "daddy"!

However, I do think you and your bf are in different pages re: this relationship. I think it might be worth a frank discussion. Spending Christmas seperately migjt not.be a massive red flag, but I think the fact you are not viewed as a couple by his family might be.

Is that because they have some 'funny ideas' (not a problem) or because he doesn't present you as a proper couple? (A problem)

MadameJosephine · 25/12/2014 15:52

I don't think they necessarily should but I think after 2 years together you should be able to discuss it and come to an agreement that suits you all.

DP and I have been together for 8 years, lived together for 6 and have a 2yo DD but we don't spend the whole of Christmas day together. We opened gifts this morning and spent the morning at home but then he went to see his Dad who lives alone and I brought my DS and DD to my parents for a big family get together. We will meet up back at home at teatime. Both DP and his dad know that they would be welcome here but prefer to spend the day just the 2 of them (DP's mother passed away at Christmas time and although it was a long time ago it's still a difficult time for his Dad).

If you are happy with the way things are then that's fine, what others may think of your arrangements is irrelevant. However, it sounds to me like you may not be so I think you need to discuss it with him and make alternative arrangements for next year

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 25/12/2014 16:01

There's no hard and fast rules really, what I would think happens is that you discuss it together so you understand everybody's needs / wants and then you try and see they are all met or make some compromises so everyone is happy.

Why have you not just talked about it with him? It amazes me how many people don't seem to do this, instead relying on people to read their minds or something and then it all ends up in misunderstandings and acrimony like something out of Neighbours.

FWIW I had a boyfriend for 7 years and who I lived with for a few years and we spent xmas day apart because we both wanted to spend it with our own families - i didn't want to spend mine with his and vice versa. That suited everyone and was fine. TBH it's only since children that anyone elses family has been on the cards Grin I'd rather relax with my own bunch with my feet up than mind my Ps and Qs and not being able to argue about what's on the telly.

Just talk to him.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 25/12/2014 16:31

Everyone has different ways of doing things.

You cannot blame him if you won't even ask him to spend Christmas with you.

And,you'll hate this bit,I think it's really wrong for your children to be calling him 'daddy',you don't live together,you can't even invite him for Christmas,he likes to 'plod' and if he is seen as daddy to the kids he should feel and act like one,which he doesn't seem to if he is shooting off for Christmas and not treating you all as family.

On the other hand,of course you'll get desperate cards to him.You live apart and don't seem very family like

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 25/12/2014 16:32

Separate not desperate.Gotta love autocorrect!

Original poster
TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 17:13

Ok yes, Thankyou for your views.
I should probably have corrected the kids when they started calling him Daddy, but the eldest had grown up with her birth father - although he never lived with us, just came to stay as and when it suited him - for about 3 years so she probably just missed having a father figure around.
The youngest has just followed suit from his elder sibling I expect in calling him Daddy.

Someone messaged me to ask why I left when my youngest was 4 weeks old, did I have an affair Hmm and it feels like everytime I post on here I always somehow have to fill in my background of DV, even if I'm posting about how to put shelves up :/
Anyway, no, it wasn't an affair. I left for safety reasons. I then spent 3 years on my own with the children, no dating, nothing, until I met my current boyfriend, who was an old family friend.

TripTrap we are like a family in my mind, perhaps not everyone else's. He stays every Saturday night, goes home Sunday evening, we take the kids out places, have been on holiday, he buys them cards and gifts, he isn't bothered if they call him Daddy in front of his mother, and so on.

But reading other people's stories that it's not so unusual for couples to spend the day apart for one reason or another is helpful, so I think I'll resign my query to Overthinking on my part Blush

OP posts:
OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 25/12/2014 17:28

Someone sent you a PM because of this thread asking if you had an affair and for you to justify something the thread isn't even slightly about?

WTF that is really weird behaviour. I'd report them to MNHQ if I were you.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 25/12/2014 17:54

It is rather odd to pm asking if you cheated on their dad.That is very bizarre and uncalled for,no indication of it and no relevance to the thread either.

I would ignore it and report it. Possibly someone who knows someone in similar circumstances and is trying to fish to see if it's you? If not,somebody even more blinking weird!

PlantsAndFlowers · 25/12/2014 18:19

Definitely report - no need for that!