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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

controlling mother and boxing day dilemma- wwyd?

41 replies

code · 19/12/2014 12:29

I've posted here before about my controlling mother issues.

So she is coming to us xmas eve through to the day after boxing day. On boxing day a relative has hired a room at a local pub for people to 'drop in'. Open invitation, no food. Mother wants to go. We do not, an ex boyfriend will be there, also I don't wish to spend the holidays with other people's friends. I've said to mother we won't be going but she is very welcome. She just won't drop it and the other day was laying on the guilt trips, denials "when we go", sulking when I tried to reiterate we won't be there.

Wwyd? am I being unreasonable here? I know we could go for a quick drink but in reality we wouldn't be able to escape and I really don't want to see ex. It's unfair on DH who won't know their friends and doesn't want to go either. We just want to stay home and chill out. Bloody woman!

OP posts:

Pusspuss1 · 19/12/2014 12:32

Stay firm - you're an adult now and you can call the shots too. She's also a guest in your house, on this occasion. Broken record technique - each time she mentions it, just tell her you won't be going, but she's welcome to go if she'd like to.

Lottapianos · 19/12/2014 12:40

Absolutely stand firm. She's not a child, she can go by herself if she wants to, its not like she won't know anybody there. I know how awful the guilt trips can be but you are doing absolutely nothing wrong by choosing not to go to this event, so don't give in to her sulking!

GoatsDoRoam · 19/12/2014 12:42

Stand firm.
You don't even need to justify why you're not going. You don't want to go. That is reason enough: you are your own master.

CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 12:46

Be firmer. The more she pushes the idea, the less polite your responses should get.

Original poster

code · 19/12/2014 12:52

Thanks all, I will hold firm.

OP posts:

WineWineWine · 19/12/2014 13:08

Stick to your guns. No arguments, just matter of fact keep telling her that you will not be going.

Original poster

code · 19/12/2014 13:11

Thanks, will do. no doubt the sulking will be epic (she won't go alone) and I'll never hear the end of it.

OP posts:

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/12/2014 13:13

As the others have said, stand firm. If she keeps mentioning it say to her that she is quite welcome to attend, you will even walk/drive her there so that she doesn't have to get her own way there but that she will be expected to find her own way back to your house.

I also agree with the poster who says the more she pushes the idea, the less polite your answers should get.

CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish · 19/12/2014 13:17

Stand back and look at this objectively. Are you an adult? Yes. Do you get to decide for yourself what events you do and do not attend? Yes.
Is your mother in charge of you? No.

Stand up to her and tell her no. Her refusal to go alone is just a further attempt to control what you do. Don't cave in to it.

Donkeysleighbellsringing · 19/12/2014 13:17

If you have a busy life in general then the Christmas break is your chance to rest and do as you please. If you have DCs as well as DH it's more than just Mum to consider.

So taking everyone's wishes into account she will have to go by herself or lump it.

If she is contrary by nature I daresay if you capitulate she's only going to stand in a corner complaining about there being no food or why isn't anybody talking to her.

woollyjumpers · 19/12/2014 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

code · 19/12/2014 13:24

Thanks all, I won't cave in.

You are right donkey if she goes she will spend the whole time criticising who has come and "why were they invited"? Then she will drink too much (she can't hold more than a couple of glasses) and spend the evening throwing up (charming). I have DD and DH to consider (and we're working in-between so the days off are hugely important) so I need to toughen up.

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 13:26

I stand by the observation.... :) Fa-la-la-la-laa la-la la laaa. ...

CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 13:27

I am also an old woman :)

AMumInScotland · 19/12/2014 14:11

Find her the number of a local taxi company.
Say 'Have fun!'

If she whinges later, having not gone, then simply say "But you could have gone if you wanted to"

Then, as others have said, get progressively less polite about it!

Holdthepage · 19/12/2014 14:42

Yes definitely order her a taxi & insist that she goes. It will give you a night off.

Somethingtodo · 19/12/2014 16:31

I think you need to front up to her now to put a halt to it otherwise this will dominate the next 7 days right thru xmas as it has done no doubt for however long already. You need to say - this is the last conversation - the answer is no and we now expect you behave reasonably and appropriately and to respect our decision, to not bring it up again and not to sulk about it......

Original poster

code · 19/12/2014 19:43

I will try

OP posts:

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 19/12/2014 19:51

If she sulks does that mean you get some quiet time to yourself? I call that a result! Can you prompt the sulking to start earlier? Maybe she'll go home early.

Original poster

code · 20/12/2014 11:38

She won't leave early unfortunately. She enjoys a bad atmosphere and won't want to leave it

OP posts:

Somethingtodo · 20/12/2014 11:50

If she wont leave then you really need to think of some consequences and make them clear to her...she cannot dominate everyones emotions and christmas holiday like like this it is totally controlling behaviour....have you any ideas what you can threaten...?....dont know how practical it is but could YOU all just leave for a day out/time out if she kicks off - and refuse to take her with you...all go for a long walk - to the cinema - see what is on locally and just leave her to fester ALONE? ...or if there is something else planned tell her that if she does nt drop it she will not be involved in xyz? Its like dealing with a toddler but sorry to say you need to step up and put her in her back in her box.

emotionsecho · 20/12/2014 12:01

If she keeps on can you adapt some of the phrases in the post by Pictish, e.g., I'm an adult, I decide what I choose to attend, discussion over. You could also remind her she is also an adult who can make her own choice about whether to attend or not, and can also choose to sulk, which you will choose to ignore.

I feel for you, OP, it must be draining putting up with this type of behaviour.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 20/12/2014 12:03

She wants you to participate in a well-trodden dialogue in which she gets to make you feel bad and make you justify (needlessly) why you don't want to do as she tells you.

Don't participate (it's not logical what she's doing so logic won't stop it), turn it back on her ie "why are we still having this conversation", "you really seem to be a bit obsessed by this event, it's a bit weird", "you're bringing this up AGAIN?" Etc.

Somethingtodo · 20/12/2014 12:05

But the sulking is not possible to ignore and pollutes and dominates like a black cloud/bad smell everyones head space and physical space - the suck is also bad behaviour as well as the nagging that needs to be addressed and nipped in the bud.

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