controlling mother and boxing day dilemma- wwyd?

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I've posted here before about my controlling mother issues.

So she is coming to us xmas eve through to the day after boxing day. On boxing day a relative has hired a room at a local pub for people to 'drop in'. Open invitation, no food. Mother wants to go. We do not, an ex boyfriend will be there, also I don't wish to spend the holidays with other people's friends. I've said to mother we won't be going but she is very welcome. She just won't drop it and the other day was laying on the guilt trips, denials "when we go", sulking when I tried to reiterate we won't be there.

Wwyd? am I being unreasonable here? I know we could go for a quick drink but in reality we wouldn't be able to escape and I really don't want to see ex. It's unfair on DH who won't know their friends and doesn't want to go either. We just want to stay home and chill out. Bloody woman!

Don't go. Why should you? I'm a MIL and wouldn't dream of insisting my family came if they didn't want to. She's lucky to have spent Christmas with you. Many PILs just get an hour or so on Christmas Day and are grateful for that.

I agree, close down the conversation. Time to rebel a nd grow.

If she loves a bad atmosphere you, your DH & DS ramp the jolity up and have a great time together. Completely ignore her miserable attitude and enjoy yourselves. I know its not that easy but just do it to annoy her even further. Don't play her game, play a different one where she doesn't play the starring role. She probably loves you all pussy footing around her trying to stop her going off on one. Don't give her that power.

Definittely don't let yourself get guilt tripped into going to the pub!!

Enjoy your day.

Browers but that still requires effort and is in fact exhausting and stressful as it is still having to engage in/manage conflict. I really feel that she needs clear boundaries and clear consequences I would love the OP to be able to send her to her room or sit her on the naughty step but if that isnt possible with a grown adult then maybe the family need to exclude her and move on and out in another way....but I would probably still be spitting blood if we were on a long, cold, walk (and didnt necessarily want to be) and she was stretched out on my warm sofa at home...! Do these fuckers always "win" -- either they get what they want or they make you pay for it thru sulks, nagging, trantrums etc...

OP could you call the relative who is hosting to say you cant make it but Mum desperate to go -- who can he/she suggest could give her a lift...and then get them to call her directly to offer a lift as they know you arent going???

Yep agree stick to your choice. It sounds like it would be very uncomfortable for you to go. Your mother will just need to get on with it.

browers I agree.

As soon as you sense her desire to be sour, bat it right the fuck away with happiness and contentment.

Thanks all. DH has said he'll walk her there and pick her up if she wants to go! she won't. There is bound to be an epic sulk but I now have tips for managing that so thanks.

When you think about it objectively...what right has she got to come in and control your Christmas with her shit? None whatsoever!

I mean...sulking (and therefore creating a sour atmosphere in your home) simply because you won't do as she wants you to, and go to an event you don't fancy, is outrageous behaviour! She is not your boss, she does not get to decide what it is you should or should not be doing ffs!

She is being invited to join in with you at Christmas, not to turn up and run the fucking show!

It is high time the power she has to affect you was taken away, and she comes to understand that you have every right to make your own decisions, regardless of what she would personally prefer.
No one is stopping her from doing what she wants, so why the fuck does she consider it fair game to effectively punish you by sulking about you not jumping to?

Her control is now over OP. Be happy, be content, be impervious to her tactics, and most of all...please yourself! xx

I will try, her asserting control over us is a longstanding habit that's been hard to break. I guess she feels she still has some parental control, although she also tries it with her siblings and friends (the few she hasn't fallen out with!). Thanks pictish

Well said Pictish !!

Code do this and stand up for your ds and dh they do not need their christmas memories blighted by this behaviour....and they need to see you as an appropriate adult, firm, fair, role model -- not a doormat, weak, conflict averse, child who lets this shit happen to her which then also blights the christmas of her child....children do see, absorb and sense all of this.

Your mother knows she is wrong - as others have walked away - tell her you will do the same. The buck stops with you. If this was a MIL thread - the chorus would be "it is not a MIL prob - it is a DH prob" -- you need to focus your mind and do this for your ds and dh - dont deserve this - but they do deserve you to address it once and for all.

Yy if you can't bear to stand up to her for your own sake, do it for that of your kids.
She'll happily taint the atmosphere of their Christmas, sulking and huffing to get her own way and maintain control over you, you know. Won't bother her at all that she's making it crap for them as well by having tension and strain, because she's determined to make it about her...and over fuck bloody all as well...a bloody take it or leave it social occasion.

That should make you angry enough to be resolved to have none of it!

As difficult as it may be for you I think you need to make it absolutely clear to your mother beforehand as to what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in your home. Write it down, learn it, then say it to her - do not let her interrupt. End by giving her the choice of whether or not to come to you under the terms you have given and remind her that any unacceptable behaviour will result in her being put in a taxi and sent home.

It's hard and tough, but putting up with her behaviour currently is harder surely.?

Thanks. I won't make a big deal of it in advance as don't want to be the one who 'starts it'. But am very prepared to say no and stick to it when she brings up the subject.

You need to have a strategy ready to address the huffs and sulks -- these are as toxic and last longer than the nagging - she cant do this to your ds Christmas.

How did you get on OP over the Christmas/Boxing Day period? Hope there wasn't too much huffing and puffing going on (that looks worse written down or maybe my mind is in the gutter but that wasn't what I was intending)

Hope all went well