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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel let down - Husband drunk, awol and 35 weeks pregnant AIBU?

30 replies

L00p · 30/11/2014 01:48

Hi,

So I'm 35 weeks pregnant and I had to go to a friends 30th party in town. It had been arranged for ages and I gave my husband lots of advance warning. He had a work social event earlier in the day to attend a sporting match, but had planned to meet at the party at 8pm.

Ok around 8:30pm I speak to him and he's on his way, but an hour later he's still not here and he's a few miles away having stopped off for a drink with colleagues. I'm feeling a bit tired myself and so I told him not to bother coming to the party and that I'll just meet him back at home.

I get home a few hours later to find he's still out and the house is empty. A few more hours later and he's still not home and I can't get hold of him.

I can't decide if I am more furious or upset with him. I just feel so let down and I specifically warned him not to do this as he can be weak when it comes to drink and on a night out.

He doesn't do this regularly, maybe a few times a year - but his lack of control worries me especially with a baby on the way.

Am I being unreasonable? - I don't even want to see him or speak to him because i don't know how to deal with this. Am I being unreasonable if I ask him to leave for a few days?

OP posts:

tazzle22 · 30/11/2014 02:29

Well I dont really post much on AIBU threads but there does not seem to be many posters around and I feel for you LOOp. In your situation I would be absolutely tamping mad if my DH renaged on a promise.

A few times on our 35 years of marriage my DH has got a bit carried away when out drinking and been sooooo worse the wear but if he had done it when I was so near to having a baby as well as when specifically asked not to I would have been livid ..but would have confronted him the next day.

I dont think you would be unreasonable to ask him to leave if it will give you time to think about what you want to do... and it might make him realise just how much it has upset you and how let down you feel.

I hope he realises that had you gone into labour and he was not contactable then he might have missed the birth of his child and you would have been unsupported .... that is just , well, crap !

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/11/2014 03:01

Hi OP
Desperate to go to sleep so sorry to be brief. I think it would be OTT to ask him to move out if this is not a regular thing.
DH did this weeklyish in my final tri , stress reaction I think. We thought id be overdue so in your case a baby was two months away and their logic is that there's a few more weeks to party like a nitwit. He stopped pretty smartly when I told him I would bar him from the delivery room if he was in any way drunk as he couldn't be trusted to help make decisions if there were problems.
Try to go to sleep and get up and have a nice day tomorrow, preferably u contactable. Then tell him his lack of control has upset you etc.
save the nuclear option for now. Dec is about to start and all the office drinks with it.

MrsWembley · 30/11/2014 03:15

Weakness when it comes to a night out? But he doesn't do it very often?

I'd forgive this time but only after he's been given a right royal kick up the backside and scared with the thought that he might have missed the birth.

He could be reacting to the idea that he won't have many of these sort of nights out for the foreseeable future. Is that possible? And who is he with when he's like this? Maybe have a word next time he's about to go out with this person/group? Warn him about possible consequences?

sykadelic · 30/11/2014 03:16

It sounds like he has a problem with alcohol if he can't stop himself when he's had too much and recognise he's about to cause a problem.

I don't think I'd ask him to leave for a few days, but he would be sleeping on the couch and we would definitely be having a lengthy conversation in the morning about it (and he wouldn't be sleeping in, or at the very least I wouldn't be walking around quietly letting him sleep because he needs to be available to you to help if needed).

Depending on his reaction, his excuses and the like, would depend on what my next action would be. If he was anything other than apologetic and recognising he had a problem and needs to stop drinking seeing he can't control his intake... some stronger decisions may be needed.

Not able to be contacted... what exactly is he up to?? My trust would be shot.

HoneywithLemon · 30/11/2014 07:18

I think you need to put a marker down, definitely. Having put up with this sort of shit experience of this myself, he is going to try to minimise the significance of it and you need to make sure that he knows this sort of behaviour won't be tolerated. Not knowing him, his record for this sort of thing etc its difficult to say what you should do, but going out on the lash when you are supposed to meeting your heavily pregnant wife, then going AWOL? He is a very selfish man and if that doesn't change you've got problems ahead when you have the baby. And I have zero sympathy for the 'poor thing he won't be able to do this more much longer' camp. It might have been ok if he had checked with you first, but he didn't.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2014 08:17

"I just feel so let down and I specifically warned him not to do this as he can be weak when it comes to drink and on a night out"

Are you saying here that practically every time he goes out for a social evening he comes back drunk?. The infrequency however, of such occasions is actually irrelevant because his excessive drinking is affective your life.

Do you at heart think he does have an alcohol problem?.

You are certainly within your rights to ask him to leave for a few days because you need to show him there are consequences for his actions. If he feels he can do this now he will likely do so when the baby is born as well. Its not looking great now to be honest.

munchkin2902 · 30/11/2014 08:48

I'm going against the grain you might be being a bit hard on him. I think asking him to leave is a bit extreme to be honest!

You still have 5 weeks to go so it's unlikely anything would happen. The most annoying thing is that you weren't able to contact him - my oh does exactly the same thing when he's out, I'm pretty sure he gets my messages but doesn't reply!

I'm 40 weeks now but when I was at about your stage he went out on a works do and didn't get in til 3am (on a work night!) and wasn't answering any calls or texts. I was annoyed but he goes out so rarely that I let it go just the once after pointing out that it was pretty unreasonable for him to be out of contact - I wouldn't twice though.

munchkin2902 · 30/11/2014 08:51

I'd say also that I don't think it's particularly unusual - on the December due date thread it seems that every oh has done a similar thing in the past few weeks (and we've all had a good whinge about it on the Facebook page!!!!)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2014 09:05

I think OP is well within her rights to ask him to leave particularly as he has done this before. The infrequency of such occasions is irrelevant because his actions have affected the OP and she has had to go to a friends party on her own. She has every right to feel let down.

Dowser · 30/11/2014 09:17

I put up with this behaviour for 30 years.

Thankfully another woman took him off my hands.

I'm not saying LTB. I'm saying that I hope this doesn't happen to you.

I can't offer a solution. We spoke about it. Argued about. I got upset. He never changed.

It comes down to where your line in the sand is drawn.

Some men take advantage and some don't.

Mine was an arse.

Tobyjugg · 30/11/2014 11:50

Tomorrow [today?] when he's hung over and feeling shit - give him verbal hell.

AspieMan · 30/11/2014 11:58

You're being unreasonable and not considering what it is like from your SO's point of view. You need to get something into your head: you don't own him. You are not his thought police. You are not his timekeeper. You don't get to dictate exactly how he will interact with all of his friends and colleagues in his daily existence.

Sometimes he will take some time to have a drink with friends and will not want to be in contact with you. You shouldn't expect that he will return your text message within the minute no matter where he is or what he is doing. This is emasculating. He hates that. He will rebel against this behaviour. However this doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He loves you with all of his heart most likely.

But he will attempt to enforce some preservation of his individuality, and he will probably encourage the same from you. Remember he is also leading up to a baby, it's not just you. He too is emotional. He too is unstable. He too needs to let loose and scream here and there. It isn't all about you. If you dog housed him for this I'd say you're being unacceptably over the top and out of order big time.

wannabestressfree · 30/11/2014 12:04

My ex husband used to do this. My 'favourite' times was when he threw up my car door on Mother's Day (hungover) and when he got SO drunk the night before he couldn't drive me to the hospital to have the steroid injections for our sons imminent birth.

I look back now and so regret staying with him. It was a fairly regular occurrence though - he had four 'wetting the babies head' nights out and fell on top of me when I was breast feeding our son.

Just use this as a 'it's not acceptable' if it's not regular.

calmexterior · 30/11/2014 12:52

Ugh I couldn't put up with this - mainly because I'd be worried sick by 2am! How inconsiderate - hope all ok today OP

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/11/2014 13:05

Another one whose ExH did this and I was always unreasonable fr suggesting he drank either a bit less or less often. OW took him off my hands.
The police were also unreasonable (it was the dogs fault for sitting on OW knee in the passenger seat) when they arrested him for Drink driving twice over the limit with DD in the car.
His boss was unreasonable for sacking him for gross misconducted for bing repeatably under the influence at work.
Those dependent on alcohol believe everyone is unreasonable it s never ever their fault.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 30/11/2014 15:04

Aspie Absolute rubbish.

He should be at home looking after his pregnant DW.

Poor men, losing their individuality, diddums.

There comes a time to f*ing grow up, leave the almighty piss ups behind AND BE RESPONSIBLE!

BlackeyedSusan · 30/11/2014 15:31

there's going out drinking, and going out drinking too much and too long.

if he had texted you and let you know he was goingto stay out longer/all night so you didn't worry/he did not disturb you would be different.

MrsWembley · 30/11/2014 17:35

Aspie, I don't mean to be personally offensive, but what you said makes you sound like an arse.

Two people in a relationship? Yes? Familiar with this statement are you? And respect for another human being who is a) simply worried because of the lack of contact and b) fucking hugely hormonal at 35 weeks - is this something that you might understand? No? Shame.

Shame on you.

OP, what excuse did he give when he finally returned home. I hope everything is okay.

Original poster

L00p · 30/11/2014 18:42

Hi all, thanks for all the responses. After a very restless night he dragged himself back with the birds.

In the morning I was very calm and explained how I felt.... More than anything I'm just worried he can't control himself when he gets in situations like that.... He was very apologetic and sorry for himself. We talked it through and I'm going to have trust him.....

Thanks for the support though as sometimes you do wonder if you are driving yourself up the wall xx

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2014 18:57

What did he exactly say to you about last night?. This really does not bode well for your future life together.

Do you in your heart of hearts think that your DH actually has a drink problem?.

Original poster

L00p · 30/11/2014 19:45

He said that he got carried away and that he wanted to stay out. It's lame I grant you - I know what he's like and he just doesn't think and doesn't want to stop ......

I do think he has a problem, not one so large that it worries me or affects me every day - but in certain situations when he goes out. He doesn't drink every day probably around 2/3 times a week in social situations. I'm trying the tack that he doesn't need to drink - he can but doesn't "need" to - I don't want us to perceive drink as the "enemy" and that it's all or nothing - as I know if we went to this approach he would be worse. It's taken a few years but his drinking has become more moderate and controlled. And by that I mean he goes out less generally and he can have 2 pints and be done rather than the all or 8 pints route and he has learnt to "pace" himself (like alternating with water/ soft drinks) He's moving in the right direction and so I want to continue and try to change his attitude to drink as it's psychological rather than physical.
I would like to think I would never put myself or my child in a situation where I was fearful or unhappy all the time, so I'm going to take last night as a blip and constructively move on.

Thanks for the concern, if it does get worse I'll let you know. In the meantime fingers crossed for me!

OP posts:

MrsWembley · 30/11/2014 19:49

It sounds like a plan and, even better, one that's kind of working. If you're happy with that then good.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2014 21:22

AspieDad has left the building, apparently

We are all abominations it would seem

MrsWembley · 30/11/2014 21:57

Awww, AF, I really hoped he'd report me and have MNHQ point out that it wasn't a personal attack...

HoneywithLemon · 01/12/2014 11:33

OP, good luck, and do come back to MN if and when you need to.

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