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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lies

27 replies

Snakesandpropertyladders · 27/11/2014 01:49

A lot and about silly things and it's really getting to me.
Tonight I lost it with him and now we are not speaking. We went to look at a house to buy and it transpired that he had told the estate agent that we don't need to sell our place first. We absolutely do! I just don't see the point in telling a lie like that, it's only going to make him/us look stupid if we decided to make an offer.
It sounds so ridiculous written down but it's becoming a typical behaviour from him and I don't understand it!

At the weekend he told some friends about when he dented our brand new car. In the story he told them it was thundering and lightening..... This totally wasn't the case and I pulled him up on it, which of course he denied and everyone felt awkward. Maybe I should have left it but it really bugs me when he tells these pointless lies.

I'm starting to realise that he does it a lot. He won't answer the phone because he doesn't want to chat to someone. Rather than say so he will later make up some stupid story to explain it.

Just whhhhyyyyyy? I loathe liars and this situation is making me lose all respect for him.

OP posts:
PresidentTwonk · 27/11/2014 02:06

I have no advice but I have a close relative who does this but it's getting worse and I hate spending time with them now. I hope someone can help you as it's so hard because of you confront they lie their way out of it or close down and if you ignore they get worser

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2014 07:26

The person in my family who lies the way other people breathe does it for a few main reasons. Often he's lying/bragging/exaggerating about things he's supposed to own or places he's been in order to impress. (He even lies about illnesses he's never had.) Sometimes he lies to avoid awkward situations and other times it's out and out malicious. Nobody trusts him or likes him especially. Even if he was telling the truth we wouldn't believe it.

If he lies to others, sadly, he must be lying to you.....

Original poster
Snakesandpropertyladders · 27/11/2014 10:05

Yes I know he lies to me. " I've not been to the pub", " er well i just had 1 drink so it doesn't count" that sort of crap.

So tiresome.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2014 10:12

My brother is a compulsive liar, so was our Dad ( both Narcs as well bt that's another story). I remember we were put with my B and SIL and she said " well I would never know if B had an affair because he lies so much about everything anyway"
I doubt he ever would but I though what a sad way to live, thinking that your OH lies all the time, even when it doesn't matter. I don't know what you could do OP as it's probably so ingrained in him it's probably an automTic thing with your husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2014 10:17

That is the trouble with people who lie about trivial stuff. Makes you wonder what the big thing is that they are trying to cover with six foot of bullshit. In my cousin's case, the big thing eventually turned out to be that he was beating his DW up.

LadyBlaBlah · 27/11/2014 10:27

How you do anything is how you do everything

Joysmum · 27/11/2014 11:37

That is the trouble with people who lie about trivial stuff. Makes you wonder what the big thing is that they are trying to cover with six foot of bullshit

Exactly! I can't abide liars and my past means that I won't stand for it.

Having said that, I'd never deliberately show up anyone in company. That achieves nothing and makes everyone feel uncomfortable and you'll look like a bit of a loon which is counter productive.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2014 11:41

I show up my lying, nasty cousin whenever the opportunity presents itself :) And do you know.... he just keeps right on going and barely misses a beat. Doesn't even blush.

SmellsLikeHorses · 27/11/2014 11:58

My husband did this, the lies became more and more, they became bigger and more serious. He would lie about things that he knew I would discover as a lie within moments, sometimes he would cover his tracks, sometimes he wouldn't even try. The lying on top of huge amounts of bullshitting, refusing to accept responsibility for anything from the tiny to the massive, opting out of parenting and a whole host of other things that started small and grew over time and each problem standing alone could be possibly overcome but all of it together became just too much, the lying stripped every bit of respect and love I ever had for him. He is now my STBXH and since the split I have discovered more and more lies some dating back a long way to when the lies where I thought just adding details to storytelling among friends.
I haven't got an answers for you and I can't and wont say LTB but what I would say is don't sweep it under the table, tackle it head on, try and see if relationship counselling would be something he would consider, I would want to be a part of it out of worry that I would only get lies from him about it or that he was lying to the counsellor but I wish very much that this was something I had pushed for a few years ago because now it's too late and there is nothing left to save.
I wish you well, remember that you matter.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/11/2014 12:09

Long ago a teacher told my junior school class even little lies were going to shake people's trust in us. There are basically two types of 'needless' liar:

  1. What other people think matters to them more than is healthy. "My life isn't exciting enough so I have to embellish everything"
  2. Lying is the best form of defence. "I lie to avoid trouble and evade responsibility".

OP you must tear your hair out when DH comes out with whoppers. Do you have children? Because the older they get the more likely they are to catch Dad out in a lie. It won't reflect well on him.

Vitalstatistix · 27/11/2014 12:16

people lie for all sorts of reasons, but basically always because the lie serves them better (even if just in that moment) than the truth does.

so people like to create what they feel is the best version of themselves, they lie to avoid responsibility, to avoid conflict, as a means of controlling others...

I wonder if your husband's lies are about him 'bigging himself up' - I don't need to sell my house = I am wealthy and deserving of your respect.
and avoiding responsibility for his actions - car getting bashed wasn't my fault.

The only time people stop lying is when it benefits them less than the truth.

Original poster
Snakesandpropertyladders · 27/11/2014 13:23

Yes he does like to big himself up a lot, another trait of his that drives me mad.

OP posts:
Windywinston · 27/11/2014 13:32

The problem is that when someone's word no longer means anything, the trust is gone, even if they're not doing anything bad. I can't abide lies.

Vitalstatistix · 27/11/2014 13:35

confidence issue? Is he insecure?

Anyway, whatever the reason he does it, it needs to be more difficult for him to lie than to tell the truth.

Tempting as it is to nickname him billy bullshitter and laugh in his face, that'll only make him feel more in need of lying to try to make himself feel like others see him as more important.

Have you sat down with him and told him that in trying to improve/manipulate other people's opinions of him that he is lowering yours and it's affecting how you see him?

MiniTheMinx · 27/11/2014 13:58

I think people who just tell trivial lies are not always hiding something far worse, but I do think it stems from very poor self-esteem, sometimes. Not defending it. I should think it feels quite humiliating to stand next to your husband while he bigs himself up. I couldn't cope with it. He makes a fool of you and a fool of him.

Original poster
Snakesandpropertyladders · 27/11/2014 15:17

He comes across as a very confident person, almost arrogant.
He will never admit to a lie even when confronted with evidence. I've tried discussing it but he just gets angry.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2014 15:25

An angry liar, defensive when caught out and capable of intimidating you into silence eh? ... Hmm How quickly Billy Bullshit becomes Billy the Bully.

Tell me. Living as he does in his own personal delusion where he is The Big I Am, does this mean that he generally dismisses the opinions and actions of others (specifically you) as irrelevant? Does he display a sense of importance and entitlement at odds with his actual status? Does he expect special treatment? Does he think any failings are because of a bad break in life? Others out to get him? Display inverse snobbery or sour grapes? And how does he do on the 'waitress test'? How does he treat people who he considers are unimportant?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2014 15:31

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

My BIL continues to lie to everyone around him. What your DH does is precisely the sorts of nonsense he does as well.

ruddygreattiger · 27/11/2014 15:34

Cogito, all the above you described (sense of importance, others out to get him etc) would that be a trait of a sociopath? Sorry but this has described someone I knew very well :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2014 15:38

Possibly... but it also describes a lot of common or garden, jumped-up little arses who think they can bullshit and bully their way through life and relationships with impunity :)

ruddygreattiger · 27/11/2014 15:40

Yeah very true, thanks!

HellKitty · 27/11/2014 15:53

God Cognito! My x was exactly like that and an alki EA control freak! I had a call one day from a nosey bitched colleagues wife asking me why X had got the sack the day before. First I'd heard Confused

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2014 15:57

I don't have a crystal ball, it's just a very common personality type and in my line of work I seem to meet a lot of them..... think 'The Apprentice' candidates with bells on.

Seriously..... these people are just one short hop away from subjecting any partner to a life of emotional abuse and crushed self-esteem. If you recognise more than one or two traits in someone you're dating, walk away rapidly

Original poster
Snakesandpropertyladders · 27/11/2014 16:26

No Cogito that doesn't describe him at all. I'd say he lies more out of insecurity and to make his stories more entertaining.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 27/11/2014 17:44

Yes I agree snakes - I think his lies are rooted in insecurity - bragging about not needing to sell your house, and "bigging" himself up are classic signs of deep rooted insecurity. He doesn't like himself really, doesn't believe he's of any real worth, so has to invent a persona that he thinks will make him more interesting/entertaining. What do you know about the way he was brought up - usually these people have had parents who made them feel worthless as kids, or were overly critical or something similar.

If we feel ok about ourselves, we don't need to act in this way. We can be honest - I know that there are lots of shades of grey in this business of feeling OK and feeling NOT OK and they will change with circumstances but fundamentally if we are ok we can trust ourselves and others to accept us as we are.

It's not surprising he gets angry if challenged, as this is his way of living with himself - it's not a very good defence mechanism because it's transparent but it's often the defence mechanism that people like him choose (though not consciously) maybe. Get him to talk about his childhood - about his parents, maybe they had unrealistic expectations for him.........I think what troubles us in childhood almost always follows us in our adult life.

There's a book you might find interest "I'm OK-You're OK" by Eric Berne who founded the theory of transactional analysis. It's just a cheap paperbook and easy enough to read.