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Original poster

How to get H to move out?

35 replies

squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 17:19

My friend has asked her "DH" to leave. It is a total LTB situation, and there is one DC (5).

She has found him (with his approval) a flat, paid his deposit and a month's rent upfront. He has the keys. She has put the next month's rent into an account for him.

She took the DC out for the day on Sunday so that he could move his things out. I believe she even made arrangements with a neighbour who has a van to help move stuff.

When she got home, he had washed the car. That's all.

He shows no sign of leaving, hasn't packed a thing. It is making her life hell, she's finally summoned up the strength to ask him to leave, and he won't go.

What does she need to do? She has an appointment with a solicitor next week and has asked me to go with her for moral support. What questions should she ask?

He is not physically aggressive towards her or the DC, but he is a dick. More info is available if you need it, just so I am not accused of drip-feeding, just not sure what info you need to know.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 17/11/2014 17:22

If this was me I would actually wait until the next time he was going out. Get someone to watch dd for a few hours then change the locks/bolt the house up and maybe even drop his things at the new place.

I don't know if this is legal but I would do it!

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 17/11/2014 17:26

She and the DC could move into the flat. Once the divorce is settled she would almost certainly get to move back into the matrimonial home. He will have a clean car but that is all he has!

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 17:41

She has jokingly said she would move into the flat, but the tenancy is in his name, and she is reluctant to upset the DC by moving them.

Don't people usually say not to leave the house? (I don't mean going to work or the shops, I mean actually moving?)

She said she is tempted to put his stuff out for the bins!

Just to clarify, this is genuinely a friend, not just me pretending to be "a friend of mine" !

OP posts:
abitwrong123 · 17/11/2014 17:49

Why is she putting the rent into an account for him? Is he a SAHD or is she allocating from a joint account? Does he not have equal access to money?

To be honest, the advice is usually don't move out and that applies to both parties. Just because she has decided she wants to end the marriage it doesn't mean she can throw him out, if he is not a risk to her and the dc then he is just as entitled to stay there as she is.
It's not a given that she will be awarded the family home, that decision depends on other assets available, whether or not she can afford the mortgage, whether or not he can rehouse suitably without a sale of the FMH etc etc.

If she really wants to live apart before a separation agreement / divorce has been agreed then she can use the flat, the tenancy can easily be changed.

She can't wait until he is out and then change the locks / put his stuff out. That's totally unreasonable and it's not legal either.

Pastmyduedate0208 · 17/11/2014 17:59

It was my understanding that if both names are on the mortgage than you can't force one person to leave. Once the divorce is settled it will b decided who gets the house, or if the house needs to be sold to make 2 new homes.

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 18:01

He works, but he has never had to take responsibility for himself. They married and he was living at home with his parents - went straight from there to married home and she is very well organised so she's always run the financial side. He has equal access (and more!) to money. He's run up a lot of debt. She was trying to make it easy for him to go and less intimidating for him. He also wouldn't be able to say he couldn't afford it as she has set it up for him. She doesn't want to cut him off like that, as he's never had to stand on his own two feet.

I don't honestly think she will put his stuff out, she does realise that would be illegal.

(I am hoping to show her this thread later on - she has been on MN once before but is not a regular)

When she sees the solicitor, what should she be asking?

OP posts:
Pastmyduedate0208 · 17/11/2014 18:01

What an absolute knob though!
Your poor friend.

I think if she moves into the flat it will "prove" that she is not dependent on keeping the marital home to the courts, and so she may lose it. Or something.

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 18:05

That was what we thought, pastmy. Also the little boy would have the upset of it - they have told him gently that daddy is going to live somewhere else, and he's even been to see daddy's new flat... but daddy's still there, being a knob to mummy (in front of DC).

The knobbishness backstory is too long to go into in full!

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 17/11/2014 18:14

If she is not able to get him to leave by using reason her other option is to make it unbearable for him to stay. But then she could get into 'war of the Roses' territory if that doesn't work out.

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 18:20

I think she is exhausted by it, to be honest, lovingfreedom

Is it not just petty to make someone else's life hell? (Even if they are doing it to you?) I can't imagine the court would look kindly on it, either?

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 17/11/2014 18:26

I'm just answering your question and suggesting a tactic. I wasn't suggesting to do anything illegal or that a court would be interested in.

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 18:36

I realise that, and all suggestions welcome!

Itching powder in his bed?! Wink

OP posts:
Sassyb0703 · 17/11/2014 18:37

was he at all engaged in this move ? did he agree anything before she shelled out all the money deposit etc ? just because that's what your friend wants doesn't mean that's what he has to do. If they are married then he has equal rights to remain. as he could Chan ge the locks but he can then legally change thhem back...its a sad situation but sounds like friend has jumped the gun.

st273447 · 17/11/2014 18:39

Sounds like she needs to sit down and have a discussion with her DH and/or go to mediation to sort it all out.
Solicitors on both sides will say the same.. do not leave the family home until the finances have been agreed and if they can't agree, the courts will decide what is best for the DCs.

Viviennemary · 17/11/2014 18:42

Really why should he leave his home. I don't know the ins and outs of all this but you can't blame somebody for not just meekly packing their bags and moving out of a house they jointly own just because the other partner thinks they should. Why doesn't she move into the flat. If this was a man saying how can I get my wife to move out of our house and into a flat there would be uproar.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/11/2014 18:48

How is he making her life hell?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/11/2014 18:49

viv

Did you miss the bit where he gave his approval to the moving out plan?

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 18:52

Yep, looking at it from both sides, you can absolutely see vivienne's point.

She may yet move into the flat, if it comes to it. The reason she has not done so is mainly to do with the DC. The flat is not convenient for the school (better for the DH's work). Plus, the line they had taken for the DC was that Daddy was going to move out, looking for daddy's new house etc. So a bit unsettling for daddy to stay and DC to move, then likely to move back?

The DH went to all the viewings for the flat (and other houses/flats) and signed the tenancy. He went to pick up the keys.
Then he told the DC that mummy doesn't want him any more. He has been verbally abusive to the DW, but not physically.

They went to counselling last week and the relate woman told them that some people are better off apart.

What should she be asking the solicitor?

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/11/2014 19:00

If the tenancy is in his name and he signed the docs he is now liable for the rent and bills no? After the first month he's going to have to step up to the cost of it or default on the agreement.

No personal experience but I'd try to ensure he didn't see he was upsetting me. The DC is harder, how much of Atwater do you have to not tomove out if you can't be civil

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/11/2014 19:01

A twat ..... sodding Iphone

Lovingfreedom · 17/11/2014 19:05

I think it would be a mistake for your friend to move into a flat for which her DH is the named tenant. I think she'd be better seeing if they can cancel the agreement if he is not going to move into it.

King1982 · 17/11/2014 21:03

Can the DC not stay with dad if she needs to get out she can move to the flat

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 21:08

The dad works shifts.

He is not exactly a hands-on dad, shall we say? He would not cope with running a house and looking after a 5 year old, even if he had different work patterns. It is not high on his list of priorities.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/11/2014 21:11

Occupation order

Original poster
squirrelkiller · 17/11/2014 21:16

needsasock isn't that only where violence is involved? I'm sure I read somewhere that you have to be afraid of the person to get an occupation or non molestation order?
Very happy to be corrected, though!

OP posts: