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Original poster

All you people having sex 2-3 times a week

52 replies

DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 13:54

Particularly those with young kids...

Is the sex any good?
How the heck do you manage it?

Hope not too rude a question but I am finding it really impossible to even feel like it - is it just a case of making a special effort to do it, and if so how can that be in any way satisfying for either partner?

*Sorry to those stalkers who know me in real life, couldn't be arsed to name change (too tired).

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 17/11/2014 13:57

About x2 a week. Not nearly enough for dh and far too much for me. It is a source of some tension.

I do make an effort as it is an important part of our relationship for dh and he would feel bereft with little or no sex. Although it often feel like an imposition when I think about it (as I have so much else on my mind), I do generally enjoy it.

WreckTheHalls · 17/11/2014 13:57

Kids are primary school age.

After 14 years abd two kids, we have settled into a bit of a middle aged routine of Friday/Saturday/Sunday sex. I like a bath and a glass of vino first to relax me.

During the week, I am knackered and DH often works late so it rarely happens.

There isn't much spontaneity, I guess, but its enjoyable. Brings us close. I can get Dh to agree to anything after a really good sesh

WowserBowser · 17/11/2014 13:58

We tend to go to bed early. Not specifically for sex - more to watch TV, but then the chance arises more!

Quitelikely · 17/11/2014 14:00

Me. But it requires effort on my part. I see it as an investment in my marriage if it's on the cards and I don't fancy it sometimes I give my dh a massive late tea so he falls asleep

Thurlow · 17/11/2014 14:08

I've never understood going to bed at 10 and then having sex. Surely that's when you cuddle up with a book to get ready for sleep?!

It's a challenge, particularly as DP does shift work that is completely different from my hours. If we're both in then we have dinner with DC and so have the whole evening free. If I've been at work, then we have dinner a bit later so we have some free time after DC goes to bed. But then they're still very young, so go to bed at 7.30. God knows what we'll do when they don't start going to bed till 9...

As others say, there's no spontaneity, which is a shame. And sometimes I do see it as an investment too. The bit I struggle with is bath time, story time, DC to bed and then - bam, suddenly I'm supposed to turn off 'mum' and turn instantly into 'the mood'.

Our standards of housework are very slack though. That helps

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 14:10

"DC to bed and then - bam, suddenly I'm supposed to turn off 'mum' and turn instantly into 'the mood'"

This is I guess what I am struggling with.

More musings.
Surely, in all the hussle of living the rest of life it's actually quite hard to have exciting sex?

OP posts:

RoseTheHat · 17/11/2014 14:10

Yeah we just about manage it twice a week (thrice on a good week!)- only way we can manage it is to do it immediately the kids are asleep. We have 1 drink, shag, then dinner!

ThatBloodyWoman · 17/11/2014 14:12

Don't forget bumsex on Fridays

RoseTheHat · 17/11/2014 14:12

x-post.

Large glass of wine Dueling??

Thurlow · 17/11/2014 14:14

Personally I feel when you are all busy, work and family life and all that, you do need to put some effort in. It's like riding a bike - the more you do it, the better you get at it.

Hard to think like that when you're tired though!

For me, a lot of it has been about letting go of the spontaneity we had when we didn't have DC, and acknowledging that at the moment, sex won't be like that. Doesn't mean it doesn't have to be fun, though. You just have to get your head around having timetabled sex...

wigglybeezer · 17/11/2014 14:14

Working from home = daytime sex for us.

WreckTheHalls · 17/11/2014 14:14

My DH can get in the mood at the drop of a hat...I cant.

So he knows that he stands the best chance of it happening if he does kids bedtimes and brings me up a glass of wine in the bath afterwards

I also struggle to just switch from Muuuuuum (where's my PE kit?) to Sex Goddess.

TheBiscuitStrikesBack · 17/11/2014 14:15

It was every other night when we were trying to conceive and the habit has just sort of stuck. It's generally just quick, sleepy sex at bedtime (10ish) but try and have more sexy sex (iykwim) once a fortnight or whatever.

uptheroad · 17/11/2014 14:19

Two primary aged dc. I definitely find that the more often you do it the more you want it. A good bit of imagination helps you switch out of mummy mood. Regular sex makes me feel so much happier and closer to dh.

dreamingbohemian · 17/11/2014 14:22

I actually wonder this too, like Thurlow said -- we only go to bed when we're tired and then we're usually too tired for sex (well not always).

We manage because we have odd schedules and are often both home during the day, also we usually make a point of having a nice romantic evening one night a week. I don't know what we would do if we both worked long hours in normal jobs -- we really don't have sex just to have sex, as some people are describing here. Maybe I'm too old but I just can't force myself to get into it if I don't want to.

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 14:23

looks like I just have to make more effort.

I can't drink too much wine, no way can I go to my full time job and get woken several times a night on top of lots of glasses of wine! One really doesn't hit the spot!

OP posts:

Thurlow · 17/11/2014 14:32

Try not to think of it as "making more effort", or at least not in the resigned tone of voice I can imagine you saying that in!

Try and think about how you enjoyed sex with your partner before life got really busy. Try and think about how close that made you, or relaxed, or how much you enjoyed the intimacy.

But also, try and think about your average week. Where's the time to spend some quality time together?

It's a big switch to go from being used to doing it whenever and wherever you wanted, to spending the whole of Tuesday thinking "right, we're going to have sex tonight. I better leave work on time so that I can get the kids to bed at a reasonable time. I better not be too knackered. Is that a headache? I swear that's a headache I can feel coming on... No, don't think about that, I have to think about being 'in the mood' later..."

I still struggle with it at times but for me, it helps to think that tonight I am going to spend X amount of time doing something I do enjoy with my partner. So try and turn it in your head from feeling odd that you know you're going to have to do something later, into enjoying the anticipation of spending time together.

Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?

TheBiscuitStrikesBack · 17/11/2014 14:33

We definitely don't have sex just to have sex dreaming. We have sex because we both enjoy the intimacy and closeness it brings to our relationship.

Cambam2010 · 17/11/2014 14:34

I have a DS4 and a DP (that I have been with for 1 year) we have fantastic sex about 4 times a week, when we don't have sex we spend a huge amount of time cuddling and touching etc. I need sex and am always in the mood for it. In my previous relationship the sex was non-existent and I worry that I will drop back into a not bothered about it state of mind - so I make a lot of effort to put time into the sex side of things. I also find that if I am tired or stressed that sex helps me to relax and sleep better.

It does help if you are sexually compatible though - although my sex drive is higher than my DP's he is very accomodating :-)

Notquitesureagain · 17/11/2014 17:26

I found it tough in the early years - 2-year gap between kids and the first couple of years after DC2 were tough, I really wasn't very interested. They are 4 and 6 now and we're totally back on track :-) I was wondering if it was some kind of hormonal shift that came with aging (just turned 37) but I'm a lot more up for it than I used to be.

As for timing, it's often weekend mornings when kids are playing downstairs, after they've gone to bed, locked in the bathroom on occasion Less common during the week because DH works super long hours.

Like I say, it might be hormone-related but also I think I finally realised it was something I could do 'for me' rather than a duty performed for the benefit of my husband - by initiating sex when I wanted it, (rather than waiting for him to make the first move and then feeling irritated by it) I started to enjoy it a whole lot more. And then suddenly we found time for it...

LineRunner · 17/11/2014 17:32

We don't live together, and only see each other overnight twice a week. We both have resident teenagers.

Mornings are definitely best!

Dowser · 17/11/2014 17:41

Early sixties, no jobs, no kids, no excuse...lol!

2-3 times a week seems about right.

Mornings usually.

prawncrackled · 17/11/2014 17:44

We both have a pretty high sex drive and have sex about 3x a week. We have one teen who lives here only part of the week, and I work part-time, so that helps with energy levels.

We tend to do it at around 10pm ish when we're ready for bed - I like that we can both be showered/teeth brushed and then be able to cuddle and fall asleep together afterwards. I don't feel tired by 10pm, that's an early night for me and if we're not having sex then I wouldn't be in bed until midnight/1am (though DH would be asleep by then).

MrsAtticus · 17/11/2014 17:45

Yes, we have a 3 and 1 year old so quite rushed at times. I'm not always in th mood but always enjoy the intimacy.

Littlefrenchmummy · 17/11/2014 17:59

2 young children (4 and 10 months) and we manage 4/5 times a week and its really good.

I find the daily routine and stress, takes over so quickly that sometimes the only time we can just relax, and switch off is when we mess around. We are closer when we do then when we dont.

Sometimes Im tired and Im not that fussed but if we do it anyway, I feel more relaxed and happy then if we hadn't. DH works very hard at the moment so I often initiate.
Your children still wake up a few times a night you said, that is hard. My little one used to wake up 5/6 times a night and I was exhausted and we used to do it a bit less then, but still a few times a week.

I like switching from mummy to wife. Sometimes its hard, when the children have been particularly hectic but when they are in bed, I have a glass of wine and I chat to my husband i easily switch off. Do you find it hard to switch off?
Also making an effort to get down to it doesn't mean it will be shit if you both put a bit of effort into what you do. If one can't be bothered though then yeah its a bit shit.

Maybe try for a week to be 'more up for it' and see if it makes you happier ? Might not, everyone has their own rhythm. All the best !!

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