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Original poster

All you people having sex 2-3 times a week

52 replies

DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 13:54

Particularly those with young kids...

Is the sex any good?
How the heck do you manage it?

Hope not too rude a question but I am finding it really impossible to even feel like it - is it just a case of making a special effort to do it, and if so how can that be in any way satisfying for either partner?

*Sorry to those stalkers who know me in real life, couldn't be arsed to name change (too tired).

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 17/11/2014 18:13

Weirdly, after some years of feeling "Oh no, is it his birthday again?!" I've recently got my mojo back.

We do it most nights now, unless we're interrupted or disturbed by the DC (youngest is 1) - as my horniness instantly evaporates as soon as the monitor crackles.

TTC, pg hormones, etc really mess with my libido. I'm back on the pill now and that helps a lot. Also, DH is trying harder round the house, and it's far easier to fancy someone you don't resent. We've sort of picked up where we left off about 7.5 years ago when we started to TTC#1, in terms of exploring one another and finding out what we enjoy together. And no pressure, because we don't need to impress each other now.

I don't know. It came out of nowhere really, just a perfect storm of hormones, circumstances and matched enthusiasm.

choochoomcgrew · 17/11/2014 19:09

Mostly weekend mornings here, a couple of times before being up to the kids (they're not young all 10+ ).
During the week we really like reading in bed.... That sounds so sad!

iamdivergent · 17/11/2014 19:13

We are ttc atm. averaging 3-4 times per week.

yes we enjoy it but maybe because we've been together 11yrs now and know what we enjoy? We tend to do it at night when we go to bed

saltnpepa · 17/11/2014 19:19

This if it's on the cards and I don't fancy it sometimes I give my dh a massive late tea so he falls asleep is the best advice I have ever read on MN Brew

Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 19:54

Hmmm, I think maybe part of my problem is that I had trouble with TTC before finally having IVF. Our sex life did, for a while, seem to be very full on and then as time went by became very regimented as we made desperate efforts to hit the right time of the month. Then I had IVF and was so paranoid about losing the baby (one previous miscarriage) that we didn't have sex at all of the hole nine months. Then not at all for many many weeks. Plus breastfeeding means that I feel a bit weird about going from one bed, straight from breastfeeding, to another to have sex.

I don't know what my partner can do to make the whole hing more desirable but maybe I need to ask him what frequency would be ok for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 19:56

Whole not hole!

OP posts:
SeasonsEatings · 17/11/2014 20:27

Weekends when dd naps we normally do it. So twice a week maybe three.

CanISayOfHerFace · 17/11/2014 20:33

Our sex life also became very regimented and almost clinical after ttc for three years. I had a miscarriage after an IUI then two more IUIs later I became pregnant. We had sex once in those nine months (I've never been more up for it!) but I bled and we didn't do it again because of that. DS is nine months old and we still haven't had sex Confused.

Every other aspect of our relationship is great. We just need to get back into the swing of it I think. It's hard not to turn it in to a big deal now though Blush.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 17/11/2014 20:36

Ok, I'm amazed at all of you. DH and I quite often go for weeks without it!

Together for 5 years, 2 small DC (3yo and 2yo), I have a long commute. DH gets tired very early in the evening (circa 10pm) and is not awake enough or interested, then in the morning the kids get up at 5.45 and I leave the house at 7.15. Every once in a blue moon we might have sex, but it is rare.

I guess we're a bit weird Sad

MrsHathaway · 17/11/2014 20:40

Yy to sex-for-TTC putting you off for a long time.

My libido increased after DH's vasectomy. Pressure/risk removed.

Thurlow · 17/11/2014 20:45

How old are/is your DC, Duelling?

It sounds like what other posters have mentioned. Sex has been a "thing" for a long time - TTC, pregnancy. It's probably lost its spark a bit, and it's stopped being something you did for fun as you did when you were first together.

When you have a young child it's really difficult to find the time and the inclination to find it all fun again. No one can tell you how to find that again with your DH because it's different for everyone, but try and relax a bit. Be honest with your DH about how you feel about it right now, and try to slowly find your way back to it being fun.

It can take a long time, which might not be what you want to hear. DD is 3 now and being completely honest, the fact that I like and enjoy a 3 year old has helped. Because it's no longer such a struggle being "mum", it's easier now, I'm more relaxed as a person and as such I'm in a better frame of mind to see sex as, well, a fun recreational activity.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 17/11/2014 20:56

Pre-pregnancy was about 6 times a month (focussed on the 'window'). During pregnancy was "not a chance matey". Post pregnancy - about once every two or three months. On the latter the mind is definitely willing, but the body would just rather be getting some sleep (or is trying to corrall a toddler). I miss it.

It'll be more often from next month - but that's because we will be back on the TTC-train again!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/11/2014 21:15

D.D stays out Wed and Fri so me and d.p make the most of our time. We also have day time nookie when we both have a day off.
Don't know what I'll do when d.d stops staying out. I guess I could go to his rather than he comes to mine. but hopefully by then she'll have her own bf and wont care what we're up to, she's not bothered anyway tbh but I wouldn't do anything while she was there. It can be embarrassing for them can't it.

Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 17/11/2014 21:25

DS is 3 almost 4.

DH and I have been having some counselling and I know he would like sex more (or intimacy as he calls it) but I am bad at initiating. I do 't really want to go back to pre TTC days when it was more wild and alcohol fuelled, not sure about him. I think he would be happy with once or twice a week.

OP posts:
blibblibs · 17/11/2014 21:43

PlumpingUpPartridge - not that wierd. Our DC are slightly older and we're much the same.

I guess its only a problem, if its a problem for either of the people involved.

MrsHathaway · 17/11/2014 21:50

When you are intimate, eg snuggling in front of the tv or hugging in bed, does that inevitably lead to a nudge, nudge, how's about it?

Agreeing to increase intimacy without necessarily increasing "intimacy" takes the pressure off a bit and helps reintroduce each other.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/11/2014 22:10

Do you mean penetrative sex? Can't remember when we last bothered with that. I get nothing out of it at all and dh says he isn't bothered so we do other things. Probably a couple of times a week. I have zero sex drive so he's lucky he gets that. Mind you he's always on at me to dress up for him which manages to kill any mood stone dead for me.

My friend reckons her dh wants it every morning as soon as he wakes. Even at four in the morning when he's on an early shift. I thought she was being pressured but apparently she loves it. Nobody is waking me up at that time of night to pester me for sex.

KoalaKoo · 17/11/2014 22:20

Unfortunately only once a week here, and we have young children. I would prefer 2 or 3 times. When we do it it is really very good, shame its so infrequent. Dh is only interested when he wants it, wont consider it any other time which isnt very nice really.

Wackadoodle · 17/11/2014 22:51

Oops sorry - opened the thread to post but then realised I'd misread the title.

Thought it said 2-3 times a year. Grin

NerdyBird · 17/11/2014 23:13

Once or twice a week. Two primary age kids (DSC) and a 20 week old in the house so mainly happens when they're all asleep and sometimes at odd hours of the night! It is good, but different for me as I think my body is still not quite recovered from giving birth. You do have to make the effort, I was nervous about it post birth but knew if I didn't do it it would be more difficult the longer I left it.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 18/11/2014 07:36

It can be hard to remain a sexual being when you are knackered all the time but one thing sticks with me that a friend said in a similar situation as you, She said that although she felt under pressure to have sex sometimes as she was up to her eyeballs in mummy stuff, at least her DH wanted to have sex with her.
The alternative is him losing interest or being interested in someone else being the opposite side of this coin.
I have taken this to heart with my DH and unless I really really do not want to shag in which case he is OK with that, I always say yes and end up enjoying it. He has a much higher sex drive than me but I knew this about him when I married him so I would feel mean if I turned him down to the point where he felt he was getting turned down more than he was happy with. He is a good lover though so that helps
My first boyfriend I stayed with far longer than I should have was not interested in sex. I know his DW vaguely and she has said openly that it's a miracle they've had two kids. I remember the crushing feeling of rejection I had the whole time I was with him so know I don't want to go back there!

Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 18/11/2014 07:48

Really? There's no way I would be having sex i don't want just in case not doing it makes him stray! If he wants to go looking for someone else to poke his penis in then he can but we wouldn't stay married!

I had a chat last night and suggested we aim for twice a week which got the following response... 'Twice a week? Nothing to twice a week is a bit of a step change don't you think?' Turns out he really isn't gagging for it every night and he is quite happy to snuggle and watch films and get intimacy back that way. I had assumed that by intimacy he meant sex all the time but he says he just wants us to spend more time together in bed like we used to.

OP posts:
RubMyLamp · 18/11/2014 08:00

DDs are 6&3. Earlier this year we went 3 months without sex (DH and I have been together for almost 2 years) due to my mental health, I just didn't feel like it. Sex drive was non existent. Since then, we only go a week or two without any, but we tend to have lots of sex one week, and them none the next. Sex drive depends on so many variables for both men and women; there is no right and no wrong amount. When my sex drive was non existent I did try to be very affectionate still, because he deserved it for being so supportive and because I still wanted to feel physically connected to him even though I didn't want to have sex.

WowserBowser · 18/11/2014 08:30

Well that's good Dueling

And I agree, shagging your husband because there is a possibility he may stray is just yuck. If he wants to stick his wick elsewhere - he can fuck off.

cheeseyfeet · 18/11/2014 12:00

2-3 a week!

Lucky if its once every 2-3 months here! Sometimes even longer!

DH appears to have gone off me and im pretty sure doesn't think of me in that way any more. :(