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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of marriage? Mid life crisis?

30 replies

Persephone67 · 17/11/2014 13:39

I am new to this so apologies for errors. I have been with DH for 26 years, married for 20 with 2 teenage children we both adore. On the surface we appear to have a successful life, both professional people, nice house, kids doing well. Over past couple of years DH has started going out more and more with friends of his. Largely men without children. Initially he invited me along but going to clubs and gigs is not my thing so I was fine with him going without me. Increasingly he is out several times a week now. He is taking drugs more and is then useless the next day. He has signed on to dating sites and has had sex with at least 1 woman I know of. I feel his behaviour is becoming unreasonable and don't think I love him any more. He thinks I am over reacting and promises to change, but does nothing about it. Neither of us wants to hurt the kids but we are now in separate rooms and the future looks bleak. Just not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 17/11/2014 13:41

What do you want to happen ?

Original poster
Persephone67 · 17/11/2014 13:44

I really don't know. I cannot imagine being without him, but I feel so angry and humiliated with his behaviour. I don't respect him anymore, but I don't want the kids to go through horrible break up.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 17/11/2014 13:46

He is taking drugs, out several times a week, useless with the dc the next day, on dating sites, has slept with at least one person and you feel his behaviour is becoming unreasonable?
Fucking hell op, see a solicitor please Sad

If he is out a lot but useless the next day, is he able to work?
Can you as a family afford nights out/drugs/taking other women out?

Please consider an std test too.

tethersend · 17/11/2014 13:47

I think it's already become unreasonable.

Can I ask how old you both are?

KristinaM · 17/11/2014 13:48

I understand that you are worried about you children. But it must be horrid for them now, as their father is out with the lads several nights a week, taking drugs, using dating website and being unfaithful .

Goingintohibernation · 17/11/2014 13:49

I'm sorry to say I don't think things are likely to improve from what you have said. You only think his behaviour is becoming unreasonable, but he thinks you are over reacting, when he has slept with at least one, maybe more other women?? I think that alone would end many marriages, without the other issues you have mentioned. I would say you are massively under reacting.

rb32 · 17/11/2014 13:50

OP, just beacuse you can't imagine being without him doesn't be you can't be without him.

maras2 · 17/11/2014 13:53

He's taking drugs and shagging other women ? [shocked] Respect yourself and get rid of him.Your kids do not need this sexually incontinent druggie for a father,he's hardly a good role model is he?Oh and no it's not a MLC.It's the actions of a selfish dirty old man.

TheHermitCrab · 17/11/2014 13:54

I feel his behaviour is becoming unreasonable

Becoming....?

Original poster
Persephone67 · 17/11/2014 13:54

We are late 40s. I am so reluctant to put the kids through painful break up as I went through it myself as a child more than once. Would put up with a lot for their sakes and I don't think they know what is going on. DH has agreed we need to separate but not until kids leave home, about 5 years time. I feel so let down by him. No doubt he blames me for some stuff too. It is such a mess.

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 17/11/2014 13:58

I am so reluctant to put the kids through painful break up

He sleeps with another woman, takes drugs and has already told you you should separate, but to "wait" and you think this kind of situation won't affect the kids as much as just splitting up? Kids aren't stupid...

dreamingbohemian · 17/11/2014 14:03

Are you insane? Of course you need to leave him, good lord. Teenagers aren't stupid, they will have some idea of what's going on. You can't stay with him another five years.

You won't be the one breaking up the family, HE will. And get an STD test pronto.

worserevived · 17/11/2014 14:04

'DH has agreed we need to separate but not until kids leave home in about 5 years time'

So you are expected to put up with his complete and utter lack of respect for you for another 5 years? Seriously? And you are ok with this?

Your kids will be more damaged by watching their father treating their mother like this, than by a separation. Do the right thing for them even if it is the hard thing for you - show them that this is not how healthy relationships function by kicking him out and making a positive environment for them to live in. How would you feel if your dcs ended up in similarly abusive relationships in the future because they felt it was normal?

You need to get angry with him, and start putting yourself and your dcs first. Take control, see a solicitor, make him leave. If at some point in the future he decides to change, and respect you and your marriage it is up to you whether you want to try again, but please don't accept another minute of this cruel and damaging abuse.

KristinaM · 17/11/2014 14:05

You don't think your teenagers notice that you have separate rooms and that he's out most of the week ? Or that he's taking drugs ?

You are completely deluded

yougotafriend · 17/11/2014 14:10

I have just split with my H (can I refer to him as exH if we're still married but seperated?). I am late 40's he is mid 50's - he would say that the reason we have split is because I want to go out with my mates all the time.

I would say that one of the reasons we have split is that I think I'm entitled to go out with my mates occasionally (about once a month) without being subject to the 3rd degree and accusations. By the way I am not taking drungs or sleeping with other men, just trying to re-connect with myself now my DC are young adults.

My DC (16 &18) knew exactly what was going on as they aren't daft and lived under the same roof, so when they found out we were splitting they were fine about it. Your DC will be fine as well - he has no respect for you - you are in different rooms anyway - what are you teaching them about relationships?

Whereisegg · 17/11/2014 14:10

Your H can suggest 5 years all he wants, you don't have to do as you are told you know.
Get bloody angry Angry

Your dc do know you are unhappy, they will have noticed nights out and separate rooms.
You only have to lurk on here for a while to see how much damage you can do to your dc, by staying 'for them'.

Quitelikely · 17/11/2014 14:13

Unfortunately OP I agree with the pp who have said of course the kids notice all sorts of things about our marriages (cast your own mind back) however I fully understand your desire to protect them. But are you? That's the question you need to think about.

IMO you would be better off telling the truth to your kids, saying you have agreed to go your separate ways and you will both be happier as a result.

Or you could continue pretending to them that you are in a healthy marriage, try to fool them that living a lie is how life should be lived.

If you can't leave, stay together in the house but end the relationship

KristinaM · 17/11/2014 14:14

BTW your " marriage " is already over, if he's seeing other women , doing drugs and going out most nights with other men . That's not what most people ( including you obviously ) consider to be a marriage

All you would be ending would be your current house sharing arrangement

ginnycreeper5 · 17/11/2014 14:20

He has signed on to dating sites and has had sex with at least 1 woman I know of

You don't seem that bothered that he's cheated with other women. Most wives would be going ballistic!

The fact that you tell it all in such a 'detatched' way tells me that your marriage is on it's last legs.

he thinks I'm over-reacting

How does he expect you to react with the fact he's cheated with at least one woman, which actually means LOTS.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2014 14:29

Do not put up with this for their sakes; it just teaches them that a loveless marriage is the norm. Its already horrible at home for them and they probably wonder why on earth you and he are still together now. One of you has to be the grown up and end this charade; not doing so just confirms to them that you are both selfish as their parents and are only thinking of your own selves.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; surely not this piss poor role model of one.

Your teenage children know far more than you care to realise whats going on between you as their parents and also likely wonder of you why on earth you're still there with this man.

Do not potentially trash your future relationship either with your children by doing as your H suggests - i.e. staying there for the next 5 years. Your children will not thank you for doing so.

FiftyOwls2014 · 17/11/2014 14:38

Take care of yourself first. If you can afford it - go and see a counsellor on your own to get some emotional support and perspective. If he is serious about changing - what has he done about this? If he agrees to couple counselling you could try that - even if it's just to manage the split as best as you can. When you're feeling stronger look at the practical issues, money etc. In my experience it's toxic to stay in this kind of relationship both for you and the children. You deserve better. Take care.

CinnabarRed · 17/11/2014 14:44

Yougotafriend, there's a massive difference between going out once a month before then getting the third degree, and going out several times per week to get off your head on drugs and shag around.

mccart467 · 17/11/2014 15:17

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OhForFoxSakeYourPullingMyChain · 17/11/2014 15:32

?????????????????????????? @ the above post...
Just wanted to say I admire your loyalty to your children but I think they would want better for you and you deserve better...

They will pick up on all this, my teenager is far more clued up than me, I would leave him to the drink, drugs and other women and concentrate on forging a bright future for yourself & your children...if it is any concelation he will end up a sad, lonely individual and kids aren't daft, they will pity him/respect you ...x

OhForFoxSakeYourPullingMyChain · 17/11/2014 15:33

leave the husband to drink, drugs and other women, not my teenage son, just to clarify!