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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wobbles when leaving EA H

37 replies

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 10:08

Help please. Decided had enough of EA cycle from emotionally abusive H and we have split up. He will have no contact with DC as of next month when he leaves (his choice). He is being nice and I am questionning myself.
Please give me a grip. Leaving him is 100% for the best but you know when they are nice/normal/kind and you wonder if you're doing the right thing...
I am doing the right thing. I cant fix him.

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/11/2014 10:13

Whose decision is it that he won't have contact with DC? His?
If that is the case, it should leave you in no doubt that you are doing the right thing, even though he is being nice now.

Regardless, him being nice now is only part of the cycle. And you know that cycle well. He won't keep it up. And I suspect you will see the nasty side again when he is about to leave. If he does...

mamato3luvleys · 15/11/2014 10:22

I know how you feel, my dc father was the same he could be the very best father/ partner when it came to the end of our relationship but deep down I knew it was all an act as he had done this act b4 when we were ment to split up. If he isn't gonna have nothing to do with your dc this should be enough for you to realise and plus he might be just saying he doesn't want to see them to get at you ( one sly last ditched attempt at keeping you).
Whatever you decide it is up to you in the end but please don't be fooled xx

Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 10:30

He is trying to reel you back in...he is saying he won't see the DC if you split to give you the blame for denying the kids their dad. Of course he can see the kids if you split up. What Nonsense!

Original poster

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 10:31

Yes, he says he doesnt want to see/speak to them again. It is the same cycle and you're right, him saying he wants no contact shows his true nature.
I just feel so guilty. But am doing the right thing.

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1FluffyJumper · 15/11/2014 10:47

How is him telling you he will be cutting out his kids him being 'nice, normal and kind.' He sounds like a complete arsehole to me. Best let him leave so that the abuse he's intermittently directing at you, doesn't start being directed at the kids so that they grow up with such poor boundaries and self esteem as yourself. Let him stay and he'll fuck up your children...in a nutshell.

Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 10:48

Leaving him is 100% for the best...your words...

Original poster

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 10:55

Thank you all. Knew MN would sort my head out. It is SOOOOOO for the best. All the way up to 11

Wobble over!!!

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1FluffyJumper · 15/11/2014 11:09

Sometimes it's so hard to see when you're in the midst of it.

Original poster

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 11:18

So hard. I don't think I've had so many emotions within such a short time period (10 days from the last time he was horrible and I thought "no more" til now). Fear/elation/sadness/relief/nothing and loads more.

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Original poster

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 18:19

Feel so fucking fucking fucking miserable. And guilty. Sitting in tears while DC watches telly.

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Fallandfly · 15/11/2014 21:06

He's still controlling you. It's ok to be sad and grieve for what you had/wanted/hoped but you know it's not right or good for any of you. I have been where you are and the hardest part in someways was that at the point of split he was being nice. It makes you doubt every decision. Eventually I realised I didn't need a big 'incident' or reason to end it. I was so so unhappy and that was enough.
The refusing to see the children is a power play, trying to control you still. It's his choice, and likely he will change his mind later (experience speaking). You need to try and detach and focus on what you want and need for you and children. I know it's so hard but being free is so worth it

Original poster

woowoo22 · 16/11/2014 07:07

Thank you fallandfly I know you're right. I have to do it but feel like am denying my DC his father, even though part of the reason why I'm leaving is because I don't want DC growing up walking on eggshells, keeping the peace, worrying, being nervous and all the rest of it.
Becoming detached sounds good, if I could find a way to do that it would help a lot I think. Am having visions of bursting into tears at work in the next few weeks (work are being great but am due promotion soon and want to completely draw a line between work and personal life).

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Intastella · 16/11/2014 07:36

I too have just spilt with my EA H and go from being relieved to feeling sorry for him and doubting myself (even after he slept with a prostitute and lied to my face!). They are very good at turning on the charm when they need something. The latest with mine is he can't find any flats to rent even though he has phoned many people. I checked his phone records and he's made one call. I wrote a huge list of all the bad things he has done over the years and find it helps me when I'm having a wobbly moment. Keep strong.

Quitelikely · 16/11/2014 08:20

If you stay with this man you are increasing the chance that your son will turn into him. Your husband has witnessed or suffered from EA as a child and now he is projecting it into his own family. Your son will do exactly the same. Please don't kid yourself that your son would never do such a thing because this is how it all starts.

You aren't protecting your sons happiness by staying with his father you are creating the scene for lots of future relationship heartache.

IMO your dh is just playing with you by saying he will never see the dc again. Can't you see that? And tbh it would be for the best.

The funny thing is you do realise that he has actually got no intention of leaving don't you? He knows he will have turned you around by then.

I say get him out and do it ASAP. Nothing else is good enough for your dc. You tell them daddy wasn't a very nice man and that meant you couldn't stay together. Once they are older you tell them the truth.

Stay strong. Good luck

1FluffyJumper · 16/11/2014 11:23

Totally agree with the above

Lweji · 16/11/2014 15:56

The only person who could be denying your son his father is the father himself. Not you.
Never forget that.

Lweji · 16/11/2014 15:59

I also agree that he has no intention of leaving.
Why next month?
I'd make sure he'd leave asap or I'd make a plan for me to leave.
Someone in another thread did just that. She did leave and eventually returned home when he left.
I did it too as I knew my exH would never leave home (despite the previous threats), so I took off with DS.

flanjabelle · 16/11/2014 17:47

It's classic, my ea ex did the same thing. I think he was trying to make me doubt myself and change my mind. He went straight back to being a cunt once it was clear I wasn't going to.

flanjabelle · 16/11/2014 17:50

Just to add, I left until he did too. Otherwise they just try all their little tricks to get you back under their control.

Original poster

woowoo22 · 16/11/2014 18:08

Thank you all. He's booked a ticket to leave our city in less than 2 weeks time. The timing is to "sort things out" before he goes.
Been out all day and have come home to him crying. I know it is because my parents won't speak to or acknowledge him and once again he's painting himself as the victim in all this. I can't stand to be around him but also feel I can't chuck him out on the street.
Told a relative everything today and she was speechless. And said it is emotional blackmail choosing to not have any contact with DC.

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Lweji · 16/11/2014 18:23

You are not chucking him out on the street if he has enough advance warning.
Beware that as you are married, you can't really chuck him out. But you can definitely walk out on him.

Original poster

woowoo22 · 16/11/2014 18:23

Wow you guys are good. Now its he "might" see DS in future. Ugh.

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Lweji · 16/11/2014 18:24

And if you tell him you don't want him in your DC's lives, he'll make sure he will be in touch. :)

Original poster

woowoo22 · 16/11/2014 18:28

He's changing his ticket to a week today.
Do you think if I go on enough about contact with DS he'll change his mind again?
Got told tonight I am being "vindictive" and "controlling the narrative".
Cannot wait to be free!!!!

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Original poster

woowoo22 · 16/11/2014 18:30

I think I have that the wrong way round about contact.
Feck it, am going to go on the basis there will be none and deal with anything else if it comes to it.

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