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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wobbles when leaving EA H

37 replies

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 10:08

Help please. Decided had enough of EA cycle from emotionally abusive H and we have split up. He will have no contact with DC as of next month when he leaves (his choice). He is being nice and I am questionning myself.
Please give me a grip. Leaving him is 100% for the best but you know when they are nice/normal/kind and you wonder if you're doing the right thing... Sad
I am doing the right thing. I cant fix him.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/11/2014 18:53

If it helps, the way I got exH to be more reliable about contact was to make it more difficult for him.
At some point I did tell him that I'd prefer if he didn't contact DS. Mind you that initially I had given him the webcam for him to contact DS and offered contact every other day.

You do what is best for you and your children. Whatever happens on his part, including in relation to the children, is entirely his choice. You can leave the door open for contact, in a way that doesn't harm you. He uses it or not.

As for narratives, you don't have to discuss it with him, or explain it to him. It's enough that you want out.

Original poster
woowoo22 · 16/11/2014 19:01

Thanks Lweji
I just want to be able to come home and relax, properly relax and not constantly be thinking if I do x what is going to happen, if I do y what will happen.
I like your idea about leaving the door open, in a way that doesn't hurt me.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 16/11/2014 19:26

You're doing the right thing. WineCake

Original poster
woowoo22 · 22/11/2014 06:35

Me again... he is leaving tomorrow. Feel pretty miserable again. I think I will miss the nice/happy/friendly him. Even though when he is "nice" I'm tip-toeing around so I don't set him off again. My friend is coming to see me tomorrow and I have visions of sobbing all over her.

OP posts:
Original poster
woowoo22 · 22/11/2014 06:41

Also - I want to stop thinking about WHY everything happened like this. He was EA before I had DS but it ramped up after I had him (silent treatment from when DS was 2 weeks - 6 weeks old, which was fucking horrendous - I had "rolled my eyes at him" one day in hospital). Why didnt I leave then, when he was a shit to me at my most vulnerable? Why is he such a shit to me?

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/11/2014 09:05

Early morning blues?

Of course you'll miss the nice him. It's part of the cycle of abuse and it's what keeps people in, often hoping that it can always be like that. Blaming ourselves when they aren't nice.
You didn't leave him then because you were at your most vulnerable. The last thing you'd want was to think of separating. You needed to concentrate on your child.

But, hopefully, it will happen now.

Why do they do it? Many have self esteem issues and need to put down the people around them who depend on them. It is quite common that abuse gets worse after the baby is born.
Others are just insensitive and selfish. But EAs I think are mostly about drawing self esteem from their victims.

I hope you start feeling better.
Make a list of his bad points if you think you'll wobble. :)

Lweji · 22/11/2014 09:08

Also, fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Could you have someone with you?

Or go somewhere?

HellKitty · 22/11/2014 09:11

Listen, concentrate on Christmas for you and DC. I PROMISE you that when DC is opening presents and you're having a small (!!) glass of something and it's all peaceful and quiet, you will be happier than ever. No treading on eggshells, no having to keep the peace to avoid sulking. Do not wobble now! X

Flimflammer · 22/11/2014 09:49

I think that you need some protective measures regarding contact, once you are in position to think a bit more clearly. You need to be able to keep a clear head so that you can heal, which means establishibg new boundaries for him. I made access 'whenever you want, just give me a call'. With hindsight I would say there is a minimum contact time you must stick to, 48 hours notice to arrange or cancel a visit and no unannounced visits at all. My ex only heard the ' whenever you like'. I found that the single mums I knew who said to their exes you can see them when you like, never saw them at all or very infrequently and when it suited the dad, not when the child needed them.

Original poster
woowoo22 · 22/11/2014 18:52

Thank you all so much Thanks You are the voice(s) of reason!
I will write a massive list of all the shite have put up with. And thank you for the tips on contact, everything feels so new and raw and uncharted territory.
Today he made a journey with DS (under 2) with no car seat. I was livid (inside). Had spent most of the day crying, then when I saw that and didnt get any decent explanation (because there isnt one, it would have been done to push my buttons) I just thought THIS is why you're doing this!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
woowoo22 · 22/11/2014 18:53

*this is why I'm doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
woowoo22 · 22/11/2014 18:54

Thanks Lweji, he's leaving very early in the morning then my friend is coming round for the say. Hopefully armed with Wine and tissues and a grip Smile

OP posts:
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