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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum doesn't like me

29 replies

Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 21:44

I'm grown with children and I just know she doesn't like me (or love me?) from the way she acts with me.

She doesn't rate me as a mother.

I feel that every opportunity to criticise me as a mother or personally she takes.

She is generous with our children, has a role in childcare and loves our children.

Just wanted to chat to someone.

OP posts:
islandmama · 14/11/2014 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoanHickson · 14/11/2014 21:56

Do you have any other family left from your family of origin?

Aussiebean · 14/11/2014 21:57

My mum doesn't like me either. I do everything wrong and I am not worth her positive attention. As I refuse to talk to her when or allow her to be negative, we now barely speak.

But that didn't stop me from needing my husband and brother there when I rang to say I'm pregnant and I am dreading the comments I know I will get if I give her an inch.

But. That is her not me. She is nuts, a narc and determined to see the worst despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. Took many year to get where I am, and still discovering the different affects my childhood under her has had.

Go have a look at the stately homes thread. There are many people there who know exactly what you are going through and the struggle. When you are ready, they will even help you establish boundaries.

You just need to start realising that this is her. Not you.

ToeTapN · 14/11/2014 21:59

My mum didn't like me much either. I didn't like her. I struggle with liking my daughter, although there are some serious mental health issues there.

My mum didn't like her mum now I come to think of it.

I really envy those families where generations sit together having fun of a weekend. My family makes a point of moving as far away as possible from each other.

Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:24

Her smile with me is strained and false.

She doesn't like I had postnatal depression following the birth of my young children - as I think she sees this as reflecting badly on her. Not having a daughter that 'coped'. Her word not mine. To me PND was more about an illness and less of somehow magically battling through to marvellously 'cope'.

By going back to work this was 'shirking my responsibilities'.

I'm through the PND now but it brought us together by necessity, but it was something she clearly hated.

My sister feels comfortable cuddling up on the sofa with her but my mum and I feel awkward hugging.

There's so much to say.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 14/11/2014 22:24

Mine was the same. She died in March. My cousin rang to 'share happy memories' of my mum and was surprised that I didn't have any. My dad is grieving - we don't talk about what a shit my mother was to me.

HumblePieMonster · 14/11/2014 22:25

I like my daughter, by the way. I love her. I admire her and value her.

Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:26

I can't soften to her. There's some kind of layer there. Perhaps it's coming from me.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/11/2014 22:28

My mums a twat. My sister posted some bollocks pic of her saying how amazing she is on fookbook today. I wanted to comment saying how they both knew that was a lie. I didn't .

Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:28

Every other mum is more organised, more money savvy, more loving, more domestic. Earns more. Etc etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:29

My mum posts those daughter things about me and my sister but I feel like it's not about me.

She loves and likes my sister.

OP posts:
SassySugarCane · 14/11/2014 22:33

I can sympathise, mines never liked me. Proclaimed when I was 15 that I was an accident, and kicked me out aged 16. Didn't even care if I ended up on a park bench apparently.

Made the mistake of letting her back in a few times over the years (am 25 now) but it has never gone well. Am permenently NC now.

Sometimes it is just not worth the effort.

Smartiepants79 · 14/11/2014 22:33

Do you think it's possible your mother also suffered from PND after having you? It would have been dealt with very differently 30 years ago. It might explain some of the issues between you and how she clearly struggled to accept your illness.
Only you (and her) can know.
Have you ever told her any of the things you've written here?
I love my Mum desperately and I know we loves me and is proud of who I am. We both adore my daughters. She loves them as much as I do. I find it so sad that so many people don't have this kind of relationship. I'm bloody lucky.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/11/2014 22:34

Similar Sassy She said I was a mistake, blamed me for her getting cancer Hmm then kicked me out. This was the day before my first A Level exam. Then she complains that I didn't do very well Hmm

Aussiebean · 14/11/2014 22:37

Sounds like your sister is the golden child. Are there brothers?

My un informed guess is that either your sister is most like her and you are not. Meaning you have different opinions and idea and she can't handle that. Because you reflect her and when you do or think something different, she thinks it reflect badly on her.

I could be way off, but that is a coon scenario amount others.

Aussiebean · 14/11/2014 22:37

Sorry. Common scenario.

Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:38

Smartie I don't think so as she doesn't 'understand' what it felt like and had no frame of reference.

This is shameful and I'd be ashamed if she ever saw this but I don't feel that bond and that pride in my mum. I know this is how it should be. I don't feel it for my father either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:41

Aussie. Possibly.

When my sister looks really pretty my mum says she's like her and when I do myself up its vice versa. That sounds terrible but she doesn't say it maliciously.

Ditto when we've talked about my sister having babies. She won't have PND as she's more like mum...apparently.

Starting to piece it together a bit.

OP posts:
SassySugarCane · 14/11/2014 22:43

I was not an angel, no question. But no more than a shouty typical teenager. But I was accused of stealing and worse on a regular basis. One time my brother dialled the number to check credit on my mobile, and childishly lied and went 'ommm mom, she's spent all her credit already!' I had not. What would you do in that situation, would you not check yourself? Phone confiscated, naughty as it was I knew where it had been put, so when they went out, I checked it myself and the amount of credit I said had been on there in fact was, but I was not believed when I protested at the time. She has always and will always favour my younger brother (must have planned him eh) Berated when I lost something, worst time was when I finally confessed I was being bullied. She told me, if there was something happening like that, then to tell her, so I did...it was my fault apparently, it was twisted round to make it seem like I had brought it on myself.

Sorry OP not meaning to derail. It just comes back to me every so often and I get so angry, I could never do to either of my DC what she did to me.

Original poster
Heynowheynow · 14/11/2014 22:45

It's good to get it down Sassy. I understand.

OP posts:
JoanHickson · 14/11/2014 22:46

It's good that you enjoy your daughter OP.

My Mum was the type "Nobody did it for me I'm not doing it for anyone" I am very different and if it wasn't done for me I will do it for others.

There are some messed up people out there to varying degrees. It's luck as to how far screwed up a family your born into. All families are screwed up in some way.

Is your DS nice to you and your children?

Aussiebean · 14/11/2014 22:50

There are many reasons and behaviours that narc (mine) inflict on their children. Some open abuse, others more subtle and mess with your self esteem. My bro was saying on the weekend that when he makes a decision he has to dress it up like it was his wife's idea, or that he was doing it for her and not because he wanted to do something. All because growing up, he wasn't allowed to descide something for himself so needed to disguise it. That made my husband point out that I find it very hard to make decisions at all. Even small ones.

You are just beginning on this journey and you will piece together everything and then make
Decisions about how you want to go forward. Try the stately homes thread. That how I eventually worked it out. Even though there are many different scenarios there are very similar scripts.

thefirstmrsrochester · 14/11/2014 22:55

I have every sympathy. My mum visibly relished running me down in front of any audience. Still is nasty and sneering. I have a lovely dh, 3 lovely dc, and she hates me for it. She can never give me credit for raising lovely kids. Any occassion for praise of my dc's achivements has her likening them to my sister (no kids, very much worshiped from the word go). Nothing to do woth me then. She just doesnt like me. I limity contact but it is still hurtful.

JoanHickson · 14/11/2014 23:00

Ah my Mum was stealth. It all looked good on the outside. When nobody was looking only those very close to her saw the real her. I was never a good enough daughter, everyone else has a better daughter.

Interesting I also never felt the thing of being close to or proud of her. I clung to her and tried to please her. Others would say how wonderful their Mum was. I never thought deep inside she was wonderful.

Aussiebean · 14/11/2014 23:33

Joan- yes, my mum would always leave we most venomous words for private or angry whispering. Which is why I will never ever be alone with her again.

I also use to wonder why my friends would actually want to spend time with their mothers who put them down constantly. Took a while to realise that only my mother did tht.