Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't right is it?

43 replies

lotsoftoast · 11/11/2014 17:52

Getting called a fucking retard because the extension plug in the garage blew (has washing machine, tumble dryer and fridge) so I replaced it so I could get the washing done with one from the house. I forgot to tell him promptly after his arrival home so he blew his lid when he discovered my 'crime'

Being told this morning that he would swing for me as he was so stressed from me making him 5 minutes late (I needed the loo before my shower, and sometimes it takes a while when you're pregnant you know?)

Getting shouted at just now for using a resusable carrier as a bin bag (normally we just use the normal carriers, but I had none to hand and a shouting toddler at the time I needed one)

This has all been since Friday. Any time I pull him up on his language towards me (I've been a fucking retard many times before apparently) it's my own fault for winding him up so much - not his for reacting in a completely inappropriate way to things that wouldn't even register as annoyance on a normal persons radar.

So, yes, it's not me is it? I'm so fed up of crying. I'm 6 months pregnant and have a v nearly 2 year old ds.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/11/2014 17:54

No, it's not right

You are in an abusive relationship

womens aid please contact them

oldgrandmama · 11/11/2014 17:56

That's horrible, you poor thing. He's a nasty, abusive man. How bloody DARE he treat you like that. Has he always been like this, or is it a recent thing? What AnyFucker said ^

BitchPeas · 11/11/2014 17:57

You don't want your DS growing up seeing you treated like this. Think of what that will do to him.

I was in a similar situation and this is what made me leave. 5 years later and I've never regretted it, not even for a second. You deserve more, this is your life, do you really want to lie on your death bed and only have memories of this pathetic excuse for a man?

Jumblebee · 11/11/2014 17:57

Bloody hell OP no it's definitely not right!

Telling you he's going to "swing" for you, as in hit you, is appalling! Is he like this all the time? I know it's easy for an outsider to say this, but if my DP ever treated me like that I'd be out the door and wouldn't look back Hmm

I know I don't know the dynamic of your relationship, but based on what you've said I would urge you to get away from him ASAP!

ZorbaTheHoarder · 11/11/2014 17:59

Ask him how he would feel if you called him a "fucking retard" every time he did something that annoyed you.

He is using these aggressive words to intimidate you.

Please don't think for a minute that it is you. It is him. Tell him that it must stop immediately, or your relationship will not last much longer.

It's no way to treat a partner, is it, especially a pregnant one?

SolidGoldBrass · 11/11/2014 18:00

Definitely not right. This man is a shit. Talk to Women's Aid, as suggested upthread, do not tell him you are planning to end the relationship but get everything sorted out and dump his abusive arse. You do not need his permission or his co-operation to get rid of him/leave him and he has forfeited any right to consideration of his feelings.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 11/11/2014 18:02

Oh dear, this is awful for you and so wrong. How long has he been doing this? He needs to understand, if he is capable of doing so, how abusive this is. Is he ever physically abusive towards you?

Please seek some support in RL, someone you can trust who could maybe mediate for you. Pregnant and with a two year old it is hard to face something like this alone.

Thinking of you.

flightywoman · 11/11/2014 18:05

Abusive language and threats of violence over the most inconsequential things coupled with victim blaming that you made him like this - no, it not you at all.

He is abusive and you might want to think about whether he deserves to be in your life.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 11/11/2014 18:05

We have to stay at home ourselves every Christmas as he won't spend it with mine, and thinks if we go to his I'll make him go to mine the next year. I tried asking if we could visit family on Christmas day and got told I was more than welcome to fuck off wherever I wanted but he'd be keeping ds with him.

He's always over reacted to stuff before but it's been worse since ds arrived. He digs at me for every little thing and makes out I'm an unfit mother, that ds is in danger when he's with me (although not so much danger that he won't leave us to go to work so I assume if I left, and he tried to pull that nonsense they'd be able to see ds was more than safe with me?) I've just had enough of it all

OP posts:
Original poster
lotsoftoast · 11/11/2014 18:06

No physical abuse thankfully. He keeps on going on that I'm trying to kill him by making him so stressed he has a heart attack

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/11/2014 18:10

The threat of physical abuse is hanging over you though, isn't it

I believe he is priming you for that...it shouldn't be too long until makes his promise come true

Abuse is not just physical...it is recognised as emotional, mental, sexual and finacial

LumpySpacedPrincess · 11/11/2014 18:13

Horrible, horrible situation which you need to get out of. You and your kids deserve more. How are you set up financially and what real life support do you have. Have you told anyone how he treats you?

You do not have to put up with this at all.

tipsytrifle · 11/11/2014 18:19

Please listen to what AF has said. There is some kind of climax arriving and you have me worried .. my alarms are ringing very loudly atm ...

Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2014 18:33

Telling you he's going to "swing" for you, as in hit you

On a side note I believe it's an even more aggressive statement, referring to being hanged for murder (generally used for people one really utterly loathes). It's horrible and aggressive either road, and definitely shouldn't be said to the mother of one's children. Or anyone, actually.

Don't worry about the heart attack, you need a heart for that and it doesn't sound as if he has one.

AnyFucker · 11/11/2014 18:42

The best single thing this bloke could do for you is drop dead from a heart attack

Has he life insurance ?

Jux · 11/11/2014 18:43

Please please leave him. At least phone Women's Aid and tell them everything. You are absolutely right, it is him and not you. He is an abusive bastard.

Please just take ds and get out. Go where you will be loved, cherished and protected. Your ds needs to see his mum being treated well and with respect in order to learn how to treat people in a relationship.

Please. Good luck Thanks

Notmeagain1 · 11/11/2014 18:45

You poor thing. I could not live like that and you should not have too. I can only imagine you are walking on egg shells waiting on the next explosion. Please find the strength to leave. Call women's aid.

Do you have any family you could go to for help? Perhaps an older/biger brother that could kick the pissheads ass talk to him forcefully?

I hope you are able to get out before the LO arrives. Good luck.Flowers

AlfAlf · 11/11/2014 19:01

Not good, no. He's horrible, you can't live like this anymore. Does your DS witness all this? That makes him an unfit parent; if you won't leave for yourself leave for the DC's sakes.
How lovely would it be to live in a peaceful household, where no one threatens, swears, verbally abuses?
You could be rid of him this Christmas and spend it exactly as you please. Childhood is so short, so precious; don't let him ruin it for them and for you.

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 11/11/2014 19:20

Thank you all. You're not telling me anything I didn't already know....I just needed to hear it from people with common sense

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/11/2014 19:28

What are you going to do, lovey ? Do you have RL support ?

PeppermintPasty · 11/11/2014 19:33

Oh good god. Please please put some plan together to leave. I'll wager it will escalate when your second dc comes along.

Yes, have you got someone to go to. Your family?

AskBasil · 11/11/2014 19:35

He's grooming you to accept physical violence. It's a long slow process.

Happymum1985 · 11/11/2014 19:40

Can you go to your parents with DS whilst you figure out what to do next? Do you think he needs help for anger issues? What was he like when you first met him? Very different?

FreeWee · 11/11/2014 19:49

Please talk to some professionals and get RL help. This isn't right no. Legally emotional abuse is considered to be domestic violence on a par with physical violence so no need to wait till it turns physical to report him. He will down play it because he hasn't hit you but I can count on no fingers the number of times my DH (10 Years) has called me a f ing retard. Name calling and questioning your abilities are classic DV tactics. Controlling who you see on Xmas Day? Classic controlling behaviour. He's laying the groundwork that if you ever left him he'd be able to say 'ds should stay with me because she's unfit to be a mother'. He's a grade A shit. Please think about talking to RL professionals.

WitchWay · 11/11/2014 20:00

Agree he sounds abusive & awful.

As an aside the number of heavy-duty electrical machines plugged into one extension lead sounds a bit too much.

Find a few more & plug them in as well before you leave.