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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive about this?

40 replies

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 15:10

I know this is a really minor issue but I'm not very good at relationships and would really welcome other people's views. I've been seeing someone for 3 months. We met online and are both in our late 40s. Mostly it's been great - he's kind, caring, we get on really well, etc. We've agreed that we're in an exclusive relationship. However, there's one thing that's upsetting me but I can't work out if it's me getting upset for no reason (I do tend to get hurt by small things) or if other people would be upset by this too?

Basically, he hasn't told anyone about me at all - none of his colleagues, friends or family. No one knows I exist. Now I wouldn't expect to have met anyone he knows yet, but I don't understand why he's so secretive about it. I understand that he wouldn't want to make a big announcement (obviously) but, for example, he said some of his colleagues asked what he'd been up to this weekend and he just said "not much". (He'd spent the weekend with me). I don't understand why he couldn't just have said that he'd spent the weekend with his girlfriend.

I've mentioned him to a few friends and family members, so I suppose it seems a bit unbalanced - as if I'm happy to be open about the relationship but he's not. It's probably stupid but it's starting to really upset me. And I wonder if it would ever change - if he doesn't want to tell anyone about me now, why should it be any different in, say, six months?

I'd really appreciate any views on this, including if I'm just making an issue where there isn't one, as I think this is something I can be prone to doing.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 04/11/2014 15:15

What reason has he given for not saying anything ?

Only1scoop · 04/11/2014 15:18

What did he say when you asked him about it....he seems to be letting you know you are a still a secret to colleagues etc....

Be upfront and ask him why....

Venticoffeecup · 04/11/2014 15:18

I think they only thing you can do is ask him why he doesn't talk to anyone about you - and then see how you feel about his answer.

I can't say I'd have a problem with the not telling his work colleagues issue. Some people are very very private and prefer to keep work and home life firmly separate. I've known people with very functional relationships who did this.

I think the not telling friends and family thing is different however. Assuming that he actually has friends or a family.

Are the family a nightmare? Will they start interfering and being annoying if he does tell them about you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2014 15:19

I would ask him why hasn't he told anyone that he is in a relationship with you.

What is his own relationship history like, was he married before for instance?. Is there an ex wife with children or girlfriend he is "afraid of upsetting"?.

JeanSeberg · 04/11/2014 15:20

I wouldn't be concerned after only 3 months but it would be on my mind that 3 months soon turns into 6 months, 9 months, a year... and still he may not have told anyone.

I was in a similar situation when I was still a 'secret' after almost a year and it's one of the reasons I ended it.

Who initiated the conversation about exclusivity?

Mabelface · 04/11/2014 15:20

I think you may need to check that he isn't married or living with someone.

Davsmum · 04/11/2014 15:24

If you have agreed you are in an exclusive relationship - then you should be able to ask him why he has not mentioned you to anyone.
I cannot understand why he told you he had been asked about his weekend and that he said 'Not much'
What sort of person tells you that their colleagues had asked them what sort of weekend they had? Sounds weird to me.

Jan45 · 04/11/2014 15:24

I'd be peed off about this, he should be shouting it from the rooftops if you make him happy, sorry but I'd be suspicious.

mynewpassion · 04/11/2014 15:37

3 months, I wouldn't worry too much. At 6, I would be concerned.

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 15:38

Hi, thanks so much for the very quick replies.

To answer a few questions, I'm sure he isn't married or living with anyone (I've been to his flat several times). I agree with Jean that as it's only 3 months it's not a huge issue, but I'm not sure if I can see it changing, and that worries me. I'm a pretty open and honest person and hate the unnecessary (as I see it) secrecy. The reason he told me about his colleagues asking what sort of weekend he had was because I asked what he'd told them (I was hoping after 3 months he might have acknowledged my existence and I wouldn't have to be upset about this any more).

Yes, he does have an ex, and DC. He and his ex split up 2 years ago. He hasn't said anything to her or the DC, but I see this as a separate issue as I wouldn't expect him to yet - we both agree it's too early to be introducing our DC to each other.

I've asked him about this and he just says he's a private person, doesn't like mixing his work and his private life, doesn't like talking about personal stuff, etc. I totally understand that and wouldn't expect him to start going on about me, but to me there's a difference between that and being evasive/secretive almost to the point of lying. I just feel like a guilty secret, and that's horrible.

OP posts:

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 04/11/2014 15:39

God no, it's only been 3 months. Some people are more private than others, and frankly, 'shouting it from the rooftops' sounds too needy.

pompodd · 04/11/2014 15:42

You might be overthinking it. 3 months is really no time at all.

What reason has he given to you for not saying anything?

Only1scoop · 04/11/2014 15:42

3 months is quite new....I'm quite a private person so can kind of see where he is coming from....

Although if he is denying you exist when asked that could be hurtful.

DrCarolineTodd · 04/11/2014 15:46

I don't know anyone who would find this normal, sorry.

JeanSeberg · 04/11/2014 15:52

'shouting it from the rooftops' sounds too needy

She's not said she wants him to take out a double page spared in the Times though, just that he might have mentioned to his friends or family that he's seeing someone.

doesn't like mixing his work and his private life

But what are his reasons for not mentioning to his friends and family? That's the bit I would be wondering about, not so much his colleagues. (I only share the briefest of personal details with people I work with.)

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 16:01

Thanks for the further replies. For the people who think it's fine that he hasn't told anyone, when would you expect him to start telling people? Only1scoop, what would be your reasons for not telling people in the first 3 months? (If you don't mind me asking). DrCaroline, do you mean it's not normal not to tell anyone in the first few months or that my reaction to it isn't normal?

I think if I was confident that things would change, it wouldn't be an issue. For example, if he suggested that I come and meet some of his friends next month, I'd be totally reassured. But I'm worried that I might get closer to him and he still won't tell anyone, and it will hurt more and more.

Jean, thank you, I definitely wouldn't want/expect him to make a big thing of it. But if it came up in conversation, it would just be nice for him not to hide it. He's not that close to his family, so I can kind of understand him not telling them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 16:03

I also wanted to say that I really appreciate the replies. I've been getting a kind of sick feeling whenever I think about this, especially today, and it really helps to be able to 'get it out' and hear other people's views.

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 04/11/2014 16:10

It's all a bit bizarre to be honest?

I mean how do you know what he has been telling his colleagues?

Seems a weird convo to have

"What did you tell your workmates you did this weekend?"
"I told them I didn't do much"

What I am getting at is I am not quite sure how it has come to light that he is not telling people about you?

JeanSeberg · 04/11/2014 16:11

I think you're right to listen to your gut instinct on this, if you're feeling sick already it's not a good sign. Although what do you mean when you say I'm not very good at relationships?

mynewpassion · 04/11/2014 16:17

If I were a man, who has separated from his ex 2 years ago and have kids, I would not say anything to family yet because they might inadvertently say something to the children. I want to be the one tell them. Its only been 3 months. You and he agreed that it was too soon to meet each other's children, which I think is very smart. Wait a bit longer.

I am also a very private person. I didn't tell my friends when my parents were going through a divorce awhile ago. It affected me greatly as an adult but I just didn't discuss it with my best friends until I had worked it out in my mind first and it was several months before I mentioned anything. So, I wouldn't tell my friends that I was dating someone just 3 months in. I'd wait a bit before telling them. Its still new and want to keep it to myself for awhile.

This is my thought process.

Only1scoop · 04/11/2014 16:23

Gold....I don't necessarily think it's normal. In the first few months I have played things close to my chest before.... whilst I'm still checking out how we both feel. However, you have had a discussion regarding being exclusive so it seems you are past that stage.

How did the work colleague conversation come up? Did you ask him what he had been telling them. I'm a bit unclear on that bit.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 04/11/2014 16:27

My comment on 'shouting it from the rooftops' was in response to another poster who said, quite bizarrely, that that is what he should be doing. I didn't mean that's what the op expected.

Jan45 · 04/11/2014 16:33

mumma, nothing bizarre about it, his colleague asked what he did all wknd and he said nothing much when he had in fact spent pretty much all of his wknd with the OP, why would he not tell his colleagues, at 3 months you should pretty much be in full throw of lust and admiration.....it's bizarre he's pretending he wasn't with her.

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 16:34

Mynewpassion, thanks, it's helpful to hear from you and to get an idea of what his thought process might possibly be. It's especially helpful as it helps me to realise that it might not be because he's embarrassed about me, which is what I sometimes think (although there's no particular reason he would be). I also agree what you say about not telling his family - it's more that I wonder why he hasn't told any colleagues/friends and is in fact deliberately not telling them. Do you mind me asking when roughly you would start telling people about a new relationship?

Jean, I think I'm not very good at relationships as I'm over-sensitive and easily hurt. That's one of the reasons I posted this - sometimes I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or not. It's really difficult - I don't want to be hurt by small things like this but can't seem to help it. How can I stop myself feeling upset by something??

Also, I probably put bad interpretations on things - eg I think perhaps he's not telling people because he doesn't think it will last.

Mam, the issue of him not telling anyone about our relationship has come up before. So yesterday I made a comment about what he'd say if his colleagues asked him how his weekend was. I was hoping he'd say something like "I told them I spent it with my girlfriend". I'd have felt really happy that he wasn't keeping it secret from everyone any more - even if he just told one person, I'd have felt reassured. But instead he said he'd told them he did "nothing much", and I felt quite rejected.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 04/11/2014 16:36

I think it's quite bizarre he told her he said that....I wonder in what context that conversation cropped up Op....did he just tell you that?

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