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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive about this?

40 replies

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 15:10

I know this is a really minor issue but I'm not very good at relationships and would really welcome other people's views. I've been seeing someone for 3 months. We met online and are both in our late 40s. Mostly it's been great - he's kind, caring, we get on really well, etc. We've agreed that we're in an exclusive relationship. However, there's one thing that's upsetting me but I can't work out if it's me getting upset for no reason (I do tend to get hurt by small things) or if other people would be upset by this too?

Basically, he hasn't told anyone about me at all - none of his colleagues, friends or family. No one knows I exist. Now I wouldn't expect to have met anyone he knows yet, but I don't understand why he's so secretive about it. I understand that he wouldn't want to make a big announcement (obviously) but, for example, he said some of his colleagues asked what he'd been up to this weekend and he just said "not much". (He'd spent the weekend with me). I don't understand why he couldn't just have said that he'd spent the weekend with his girlfriend.

I've mentioned him to a few friends and family members, so I suppose it seems a bit unbalanced - as if I'm happy to be open about the relationship but he's not. It's probably stupid but it's starting to really upset me. And I wonder if it would ever change - if he doesn't want to tell anyone about me now, why should it be any different in, say, six months?

I'd really appreciate any views on this, including if I'm just making an issue where there isn't one, as I think this is something I can be prone to doing.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 04/11/2014 16:48

Gold I have just read your pp. I understand the context of question now. That would hurt me also. You are perhaps looking for reassurance and feel if he is starting to tell people about your existence that clarifies the reality of your relationship as he see's it.

Has he told any close friends or a family member about you?

I do understand your being hurt by this. Especially if everything going well.

I've been with dp almost 8 years ....I didn't tell colleagues or family for about 3 or 4 months after I'd met him
As I'd come out of a string of long term failed relationships....

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 04/11/2014 17:04

Only1scoop, yes, that's exactly what I was doing, I think, looking for reassurance - but obviously didn't get it! No, he hasn't told anyone at all about me. Thanks for understanding why I'm hurt.

It's so frustrating to have met someone I like so much (and he seems to feel the same when he's with me) but I'm scared of getting more involved as I can see this continuing and me getting really hurt. It also probably plays on old insecurities I have about not being good enough, etc (which obviously isn't his fault)

Jan45, I feel similarly to you - I'm usually really happy at the beginning of a relationship and can find it hard not to get mentionitis!! I don't expect him to feel the same as this, but he seems to be going to the opposite extreme.

OP posts:

PercyHorse · 04/11/2014 17:14

I'd enjoy what you've got and not worry about it now. The next two months are going to be full of opportunities for him to introduce you to friends and family. Let him make the decision. If it gets to 2/01/15 and he's still not mentioned your existence then you might want to have the conversation/think about walking away.

Jan45 · 04/11/2014 17:20

Wait and see what happens OP, your senses are on full alert but give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd actually be pulling him up on it, after all yous have already had the exclusive chat.

Only1scoop · 04/11/2014 17:34

Gold ....carry on enjoying what you have....Christmas is coming up maybe he will suggest drinks with friends etc or maybe you could suggest and see what his reaction is....

Quitelikely · 04/11/2014 17:36

Tbh it depends which colleagues ask though, I mean I would t necessarily tell my colleagues that I had a new fella, nothing to do with them. And asking what he had been up to is just small talk really. I would never announce my relationship to work colleagues unless explicitly asked.

Close family and close friends yes you would say that you have been on a date at the very least.

SelfLoathing · 04/11/2014 20:29

I'm sure he isn't married or living with anyone (I've been to his flat several times)

A note of caution: if this is the primary reason that you conclude he isn't married, I would be very very sceptical. It could be his "town flat" and they have a family home in the country. Or if he's a serial adulterer he may have a dedicated bachelor pad for his own use.

I stayed the night several times in the home of the MM I had an affair with. Turned out it was his family home but his wife and children were away. I had no idea. At the start, every time I had a suspicion that he wasn't actually single, I suppressed it with "but I've stayed the night at his house". More fool me.

but I don't understand why he's so secretive about it.

This is the main reason I like the earlier poster question whether he's married because for me this raised red flags. It's one thing not to rush into introducing people to friends/family but secretive (your word) suggests that he's got a reason to hide your existence. And the most obvious thing is a marriage or a primary relationship.

StarlingMurmuration · 04/11/2014 21:29

Obviously it's impossible for me to say why he hasn't told anyone... But I do know that my last boyfriend didn't tell anyone about us the whole time we were dating, and actually used to lie to his family about what he was doing if the called when we were out... And he got really pissed off when a mutual work friend found out about us. He really wasn't into me at all, he wasn't invested in the relationship. In comparison, my DP, With whom I'm about to have a bay, told his family about me before our rid date, and asked me to meet the, by our fourth or fifth date. He was just really proud and happy to be going out with me and wanted everyone including friends and workmates, to know. Maybe they were just different personalities, but I know which made me feel happier and more secure, and which has worked out in the long term.

YouAreMyRain · 04/11/2014 22:10

Don't fret. DP didn't tell anyone about me for at least six months. I met his parents after 7/8 months and all his family after about a year. He's a very private person and tends to compartmentalise his life. Also he had been single for ages and didn't want the pressure of everyone's excitement and expectations.

When I got pregnant (unplanned) he didn't tell his family until I was at least four months (possibly five) and when I was being wheeled into surgery for an emergency c-section at 30 weeks, he still hadn't told work I was pregnant!

He had to ring work and say "I won't be in today and btw I'm taking paternity leave"!

It can be frustrating but in every other way he's lovely.

pippinleaf · 04/11/2014 22:14

You're not being too sensitive. My ex of four years did this FOR FOUR YEARS. Of course, duh, it turns out he was seeing someone else for most of that time too and I was the 'other' woman. I'd ask him to introduce you to his friends and if he refuses then walk away.

Psycobabble · 04/11/2014 22:18

Ye I have to agree with those who think it's a bit odd ! I know it's only 3 months but at that stage is especially if your exclusive I'd expect him to at least mention you !

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 05/11/2014 10:38

Thanks so much to everyone who's posted on this thread. I was feeling so confused about it all yesterday, and it's really helped me to be able to work through it with the help of your questions, and to get different perspectives.

I can understand people being concerned that he's not actually single, but I'm as sure as I can be that he's single - I've never had any doubts about this.

An update: we talked on the phone last night. He seems keen to make me feel better about things, and was happy to talk it through. And there's an event in December where I'll be meeting some of his friends! Which has definitely made me feel better.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 05/11/2014 14:20

Great you told him how you feel and he was understanding....good result for now....good luck.

Joysmum · 05/11/2014 15:50

Really glad for you

TolstoyAteMyHamster · 05/11/2014 19:46

Oh good, I'm glad you've fixed things. I just read the thread thinking "I'm about three months into a relationship and haven't told work colleagues or family yet". Because, why would I tell work colleagues? I like them but don't feel any need to share that sort of thing with them - it might come up at some point but I wouldn't bring it up unless I had to. And my family don't live close by - we speak on the phone but unless they asked me directly if I was seeing someone (and they wouldn't) then I don't think I would say anything at this stage. My friends know, though they haven't met him yet. Maybe in early December...

Do you know, it never occurred to me to ask who he has told? I should ask, out of curiosity. I'm not in a rush to meet them, I don't think . Right now we are too busy having an amazing time in bed and getting to know each other !

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