DH shouting at computer games.

[JennyBlueWren]

DH likes playing computer games but sometimes gets very shouty and sweary at them. It really annoys me and is distracting if we're watching a film or I'm reading. I'm especially annoyed as we'll be having a baby next year and I don't want him shouting and swearing within the hearing of the baby. I can hear him upstairs in bed even though he's downstairs.

I know he's just enjoying the game (although sometimes he's getting really angry) but would like him to stop screaming and swearing. We've talked about it and he gets upset. Sometimes he does quieten down for a while (e.g. a week or so) but also gets upset at my overreaction - I sometimes leave the room.

I also feel his gaming can be a bit too engrossing and means we're not spending time together doing other things e.g. at the weekend.

I know he'd really like an Xbox One for Christmas and at the time we talked about it he was playing Minecraft most of the time which while time-consuming is less tense and doesn't involve shouting and he can pause at any time.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

Ugh

Have you recorded/videoed him and played it back to him? I would

Gaming is a perfectly valid hobby thing but he does sound a bit obsessed and refusing to tone down even when you are upstairs in bed is quite selfish

What to do? I don't know. This could be a deal-breaker when the baby comes. Sorry.

Shouting online with real people or just at the game on his own?

The first is what teenagers do and the latter means he needs to come off. I don't shout at my game when I'm playing online or not and if I get frustrated I turn it off and do something else.

I'm not really sure what to suggest though. My teen isn't into gaming really now but when he was and he lost his blob at a game I would just turn the Internet off.

I'd be concerned about how angry he would be should his gaming be interrupted by a crying baby. I read something a while back that said when someone is emotionally involved in a game and they are interrupted, they can feel angry and find it hard to disconnect and go back to normal. My ex was like that and it was frightening.

I think I would have a general talk about how he sees his and your free time working with a baby around. There are quite a lot of posts here about parents frustrated by their partners who consider 'looking after the baby' to be ensuring basic safety (e.g. in carseat or bouncy seat) while they are on their phone or gaming. This in my view is pretty much neglect as people are pretty unavailable to others when on phone or gaming, but others might disagree. Adding shouting or swearing into the mix is another level of unacceptable to me. Would he like the baby's first word to be 'Fuck'?

I shout at the radio when the Archers is on.

rembrandt So do I especially when Jenny has her seance ' funnily ' hijacked by Brian and Fallon is being such a wuss around PC Harrison Plod. However that is very mature shouting OP's DP sounds like a child.Not like us oh no.

Shouting at the computer now as 'oh no' didn't convert to italics.BASTARD.

Hmmm. Dh loves his ps4 and sometimes shouts in frustration. He only plays on it at night however when the dc are in bed - he wouldn't dream of playing on it when they're around and he's not loud enough to wake them. It does annoy me a bit as it makes me jump (!) But at the end of the day it's just a hobby like anything else and helps him to let off steam from work.

I think you need to talk about the times he might play (I don't think being on it when the dc are around is good for anyone) and he should try and be quieter so he doesn't shake the house when he shouts!

My DP was like this. It was horrible, he used to scream and rage at a game to the point where he would smash the control pad.

I recorded him and played it back to him and told him how it made me feel. I used to get so upset because of the aggressive attitude over a game.

He doesn't play it much now and when he does he is much calmer.

I know how bad the atmosphere can be. You have my sympathy

Thanks for all the responses. Maybe he'll change his behaviour when there's a baby around -he has been very into fussing around looking after me. And he does acknowledge it as a problem.

Sadly he doesn't play online so I can't just fix the internet! I have been tempted to break his console though.

"Maybe he'll change his behaviour when there's a baby around"

I used to think this about my DH when he was heavily drinking through my pregnancy. We are now separated.

Men do not change their behaviour when they become fathers, IME.

Please don't assume he is going to change his behaviour. Actually talk to him about it and make it clear how much of a big deal it is to you. Even if it causes an argument. Especially if it causes an argument. Better to have it now than to have it when you're sleep deprived and hormonal and there are a million and one other things going on due to having a small baby to look after.

DH does play games and occasionally lets out a "Shit shit shit!!" type of thing but he doesn't ever play those kind of games when DS is awake (apart from anything they tend to be violent/18 rated ones so I don't want him seeing them and he agrees with that). I tend to like doing my own thing in the evening too so it works well for us, but if you want to spend more time together, then it might be a good idea to quantify that as "2 nights a week are for us to spend together" (or whatever sounds good to both of you) - or have the main assumption be that you spend time together and he "books out" his gaming nights (DH does this if he's playing online games that can't be paused etc and talking to friends, and I don't mind because I get warning in advance), or he only plays when you're out/asleep/etc or you'd prefer it if he specifically said "Do you have plans tonight or do you mind if I play a game for a bit?"

If it's encroaching on you doing other stuff, could be be quieter and/or perhaps move his gaming activity to another area of the house?

You have got to get him to take it seriously, then hopefully you can reach a compromise that you're both happy with. Don't accept a solution you can't live with just because it seems like he's made a change, either.

Hi OP. Get it sorted now. Violent video games alter brain function in young men.

Want someone like that sharing a house with a newborn?

Has he always been like this or is it new? Could he be Stressed over the new arrival/work etc.

I am like this, can't even play solitaire without screaming at the computer. Don't scream in real life at all though but equally don't play computer games very often at all. Some people just like a good swear at inanimate things.

farendofafart - people can and do change or moderate their behaviours all the time - I can cuss like the proverbial trooper on occasion, but moderate my language in polite company, and in the presence of kids, no swearing at all.
disgrace I've been playing computer games since I was a child, and still do now (I'm 40btw). Many games are violent. Many involve driving in rather an unsafe manner. Some involve both. Never so much as got a speeding ticket in reality, let alone committed a crime (violent or otherwise). For every article like the one you've referenced, there are numerous more debunking the myth.
As for filming him? Chances are, he knows he's shouty already, and, like millions of us dads do already, will moderate his gaming when the little one arrives, or at your request, should you ask him to.

Bertie Botts What you've said makes sense. When we first moved into our house he had a room for his gaming but has moved it downstairs -possibly to be more sociable with me?

Needabum He's been on and off like this and he is stressed out as he's being made redundant soon and he finds it hard to discuss feelings. I remember my dad used to swear when playing pinball on the computer! Both my parents used to swear but I never really do (or only very occasionally).

Minus2Seventy3 Thanks for the positive message. I know he can change as I've subtly taught him to say please when asking for something and even to apologise! I don't mind the violent games and he's a gentle person himself. He used to try to get me to co-op but I tend to die too much to be of any help!

We have had a good chat about it and we've agreed that he'll get an Xbox One for Christmas but only if he uses it in his room so the living room will be a family space. He has also agreed to no violent/horrific films in front of the baby (at least until it's old enough to enjoy them). I think he'd thought that until the baby is talking it won't matter what it sees?!

We're close to the point where baby will be able to hear sounds outside and he has said he doesn't want the baby to know him as a shouty sweary person. So I guess that's a good sign.

Okay for him to have a gaming room as long as you're happy with that and it's not taking resources from the rest of the family. If it's upstairs, though, wouldn't it be closer to the baby's room? I wonder if it would work better to keep the potentially noisy games downstairs - you can get netflix and Skype and things through the xbox one, too, so it can be quite a family friendly gadget, and make the spare room upstairs into more of a child's playroom or relaxing room for you (or both of you) to do a quieter hobby.

Gaming can be sociable if you're interested - lots of fun two player games that you can play together, not just shooty ones where you die. But agreed, I don't consider "sitting in the same room doing separate things" as spending time together either.

I don't want to come across as pushy/interfering here, but it's concerning that you say things like "I guess that's a good sign". I would really, really suggest that you need to put something of a rocket under the communication between you two, because once you have a child, you can't rely on "Oh, I guess he might think this?" You need to know what his opinion is on parenting issues, to give you guys a chance to hash it out and find a way you're both happy with before it becomes a situation where you're giving mixed messages to your child, and getting angry at each other. Whatever arguments you've had in the past, expect it to feel scarier and more emotional when there's a child involved.

I'd be a bit careful about the idea of giving him a "man space" - I did that with my first husband and it became his multi use bolt hole more or less just to disengage from the family whenever he liked and he gradually spent more and more time in there.

Personally I'd rather keep gaming to a shared living room but only when dc are in bed and not longer than an hour or so each day so that it doesn't impact on couple time.

I shout and swear when I'm playing games I know it's awful. DH does it too so at least it's not one of us annoying the other. Often we play together and shout and swear at the same time!

I imagine when we have a baby we'll be too busy to play so it won't be an issue ~tralala non-parent fantastical imaginings of what having children is like~

Gaming is a perfectly valid hobby thing

Not really for an adult man with a child. It's a bit pathetic. Fine if you are an adolescent; maybe just about OK for a youngish singleton with a bachelor pad. But by the point you have a family, a man should be a bit more mature and grown out of it. Shouting at the games is even worse.

Can't you see if you could encourage different hobbies?

Failing that see if you can agree some rules on limited times for use. If he's going to have a teenager's hobby, treat him like a teenager.

Is it bollocks.. what a load of twonk! The games I play are certainly not for kids.

Self, it's a hobby which plenty of adults enjoy. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it has no value to other people.

Self - it is just a hobby like anything else! Gaming has come a long way now. It's not my thing at all but it's more like an interactive film a lot of the time or a team game with online tactics. Just because it's not your or my thing doesn't mean it's any less deserving of a hobby than anything else. Personally I'd rather dh was at home tucked into a game than out playing golf / football or whatever else all weekend.

I get tattooed as my hobby. It's not for everyone and that's fine but it doesn't mean I am an immature idiot because my hobby is something that others don't agree with.

Like any hobby the key is to balance it with family life so that it doesn't take over.

What about gaming as a hobby for an adult woman with two children then, SelfLoathing?? It is a perfectly valid hobby for anyone! How people choose to spend their free time is entirely up to them.

Grumbling at games and the odd swear (outside of child earshot) is perfectly normal when you're struggling with a difficult challenge. But that annoyance shouldn't spill over outside the game. If he is getting angry enough to frighten you and bash the controller around then he needs to tone it down!

I'm well aware that there are adult games. Doesn't mean it's not pathetic to play them obsessively. It's just a bit sad for an adult man with kids to be doing this and to be so obsessed he is shouting at the screen.

It maybe a class thing to be honest. None of the men I know are gamers; they are all a bit more sophisticated.

It makes me cringe the thought of adults getting all obsessed about war games. Really - grow up.