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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband kicks off over the STUPIDEST of things

31 replies

chilloutfrgdsak8 · 28/10/2014 23:51

Okay.
And Breathe.

My husband seems to get irate over the silliest of things.
Example. Today, we were sat in the car wash.
The car wash broke down, (5 min wait max), but then they fixed it.
10 other (maybe 15) cars behind us accepted the delay.
but my DH? No way. He started kicking off, to me, then to the poor sods running the car wash, then he got out of the car and started kicking off how ''he wasn't waiting blah de blah'' ''let me out''.

The way he acted, you would have thought we were under attack from the Taliban.
But NO, this was a frigging Car Wash.

How do you deal with somebody like this?
what do you think is going on in his head?
I have never been so embarrassed.

I tried tackling him about his irrational, out of proportion behavior.... he says he was justified.

It was almost as if he was worried it would delay him. ~Delay him for what?

OP posts:
alicemalice · 28/10/2014 23:56

You must have been mortified.

He sounds entitled?

Dowser · 28/10/2014 23:58

My dad used to go on a bit like that.

He took a fatal heart attack at 70 when really he should have gone on for a lot longer.

I see those signs in your husband!

joanofarchitrave · 29/10/2014 00:00

I would find this unbearable tbh.

I would explore further why he thinks this is justified. Does he think the fault got fixed quicker because he kicked off? Is he claustrophobic?

Do you have kids? Would you be able just to walk away if he reacts like that? Would he be able to tell you that he wants to kick off before he does so, so that you can leave the scene before he does so?

Original poster
chilloutfrgdsak8 · 29/10/2014 00:03

He's not claustrophobic - at all.

I think he enjoys making others feel small.
I pointed out to him that the others kept it together, whereas he lost his cool and looked like a prat.
I also pointed out that if he carried out like this, he would have a heart attack.
It went down like a ton of bricks.
Shock

OP posts:
alicemalice · 29/10/2014 00:08

Does he yell at you on a regular basis?

26Point2Miles · 29/10/2014 00:08

My ex was like that

So honestly? This can't be the first occasion he's done this?

Original poster
chilloutfrgdsak8 · 29/10/2014 00:11

No, he's ALL sweetness and light with me. that's the thing. It's just at other people.
Almost a crass neanderthal 'lets assert my authority with these people' thing.

Pathetic really. But, it'sstarting to really pee me off.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 29/10/2014 00:11

'I think he enjoys making others feel small.'

I just can't stand this. My XH had a streak of this (a small streak, I have to say). It was horrible.

I would get a lot tougher. Tell him that if he kicks off in that ridiculous way again, you will simply walk away (and make sure you carry taxi/bus fares so that you can look after yourself if you need to). I sometimes think if I'd actually stood up to my XH more rather than just suffered in silence, he might have started to react differently.

Original poster
chilloutfrgdsak8 · 29/10/2014 00:12

26point2miles,
You're right, it's not the first occasion he's done this.

OP posts:
Original poster
chilloutfrgdsak8 · 29/10/2014 00:16

joan, I did think about walking away (even though it was in the imiddle of nowhere)
And in future I think I might do this (it might just work).
the crazy thing is, they think they are justified for acting like phsycopathic prats. Everybody is out to get them.

OP posts:
Original poster
chilloutfrgdsak8 · 29/10/2014 00:21

This crazy, physco road-rage 'incident' happened at midday. I was really pissed off at the time and he knew it!
And yet, he has just walked in from work (8 hours later), kissed me Hmm and acted as if nothing has happened!

I fucking hate men sometimes. (apologies to all you good men out there)

OP posts:
maras2 · 29/10/2014 00:32

It's an old fashioned phrase but I'm an old gimmer so I say that he's a big show off.Obviously you love him and won't LTB so what will you do about his dreadful behaviour?

Original poster
chilloutfrgdsak8 · 29/10/2014 00:48

Why does he do it? That's all I want to know.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 29/10/2014 07:26

Of course he walked in as if nothing really happened, because in his mind nothing out of the ordinary did, he doesn't see it.

At least if he saw it he could try to change.

JapaneseMargaret · 29/10/2014 07:47

You say he's sweetness and light to you, and yet you also say that he kicked off to you first in your OP. I'm a bit confused by that.

He sounds like he has a massive inferiority complex, and so needs to assert his authority over anyone he views as below him. What's his background?

Roussette · 29/10/2014 07:59

I couldn't stand it. I would feel like I was on eggshells the whole time as to what he would kick off about. Why is he so rude to other people, does he consider them beneath him? I saw it in a cafe the other day - stupid woman who was literally belittling the waitress in the most vile way over something SO small. Woman was trying to get support from me. No way.

Does he honestly think the staff sabotaged the carwash on purpose? I'm sure they wanted it fixed as quick as your DH did. I would be suggesting he attends anger management classes.

alicemalice · 29/10/2014 08:06

I really feel for those here with exes who are fiddling the maintenance system. It's awful how they can just walk away from their kids and pay £5 a month.

alicemalice · 29/10/2014 08:12

Oops sorry, wrong thread!

AYellowCreation · 29/10/2014 08:18

This is no way to live.

GoatsDoRoam · 29/10/2014 09:19

You can't change him. You either accept him, or not.

What goes on in his head is for him to work out, if he wants to. It doesn't appear that he does. It's not work that you can do for him.

The only thing you can focus on is how this makes you feel.

joanofarchitrave · 29/10/2014 09:34

You can't change him, but if you just say 'I'm not staying here while you behave in this way' and leave, you give him a clear statement of how you feel. Don't walk without saying why you are going. But do walk.

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 10:16

OP your H sounds like he hasn't learned to manage his emotions (Is it anger?. Is he an angry man?) in an adult and respectful way. So he has a tantrum when things get too much for him. To me he sounds like a real twat, and you probably are only able to put up with him because he doesn't seem to aim that twattishness at you.

What would you like the outcome to be? Would you like him to be able to manage his emotions, and therefore his behaviour better? He would probably be best off seeing a very, very good psychologist, and exploring why he 'loses it', if that is the case. He should probably also be reading books on his problem and seeking answers on the net and in real life too - a multi-directional response to this sort of thing will address it best.

ItsGotBellsOn · 29/10/2014 10:19

Alarm bells ringing.

In my experience, men who kick off over nothing and are rude to people serving them in shops, restaurants etc....are often abusive twunts.

NettleTea · 29/10/2014 10:36

yep, was going to say the same thing as Itsgotbellson - the waitress test is supposed to be one of the Big Red Flags for abuse. He may be sweetness and light towards you at the moment, but he obviously has the feeling that he is above others and More Important - a big sense of entitlement.

How long have you been together? Do you have children? Are you still financially independant at the moment?

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 10:37

I'd have to say I agree with you ItsGotBellsOn. Sad

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