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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What dh said

45 replies

daisygatsby · 28/09/2014 19:26

This afternoon I told him I was fed up cos he had spent three hours this am sat on couch watching sport on TV whilst I ran around after kids.

He told me he was chained to me because I have no mates and no hobbies and other blokes would be down the pub with their mates watching it. He repeated abt three times that I have no hobbies and no mates.

I feel angry and hurt , he's trying to pretend like nothing is wrong

OP posts:
Skiingmaniac · 28/09/2014 19:29

Right what I'd do....rather reactionary I know....is to say that's fine and disappear out to see friends and do whatever hobby you fancy two evenings a week or whatever! I did a cake decorating course and started going to a pub quiz each week. He asked for it Wink

motleymop · 28/09/2014 19:32

Poor you - you must have felt very humilated. Perhaps if you didn't have to do everything yourself, would have time for hobbies and friends to go the pub with!

It is hard to say much without knowing you or him - but sorry he made you feel shitty.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/09/2014 19:33

Yep, suddenly get very busy and leave him to mind the kids.

Vivacia · 28/09/2014 19:33

Talk. Agree what times you are both needed at home (e.g. bath time, Sunday mornings whatever). Ask him what times he'd like to spend with mates and reassure him you don't need entertaining all of the time. Then, whatever he has decided is reasonable, you also take in the way Skiing describes.

googoodolly · 28/09/2014 19:35

Do you feel like what he said is true, in some way?

He does need time with his mates and it's not good if he feels resentful about it. Does he get the opportunity to go out or does he feel like he "has" to spend all his free time with you/at home? Do you get a chance to do your own thing as well?

Everyone needs space in a relationship, it's not healthy to spend all your spare time together.

Original poster
daisygatsby · 28/09/2014 19:36

I don't have many friends, but I'm living overseas.

Dd is one and he has never done her bedtime..so I don't go out in the evenings . He goes to college two nights a week ..so I will start looking for something to do

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2014 19:37

Why do you feel hurt, OP? Is it because you have no time to go and do other things? Or that he feels 'chained to you'? Or because you don't have friends/interests outside the home?

You should have equal time to pursue your interests, neither one of you should be feeling resentful for not doing that. Being a parent doesn't mean that you lose yourself... and he's basically telling you that that's what's happening.

Work out a timetable for who is looking after the children and both of you get to do 'your thing'. It's a very good thing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2014 19:38

cross-posted with you, OP.

Yes, a good plan, make some new friends and have other things to do.

Vivacia · 28/09/2014 19:40

Lying I thought that the OP was hurt because she pointed out he's sat there all morning whilst she's taken all the responsibility for the kids and his response has been to deflect, humiliate her and refuse to address the actual problem here.

RedRoom · 28/09/2014 19:43

I know of one marriage of 25 years which ended because the wife found the husband had no friends or hobbies to talk about and absolutely zero interest in doing anything adventurous or social. Weekends and evenings were spent sitting in the house in silence or with the tv on. The house and relationship became claustrophobic for her.

Hurtful as this is right now- and he certainly could have been a lot nicer about it- it is a good opportunity for you to look at whether he is right. Does you life revolve solely around being a wife and mother, or do you have your own interests and social life? It is healthy (and attractive) to be a person with friends and hobbies, and it may be that you are putting yourself after everyone else all of the time.

As for him sitting on his arse for three hours while you run around after the children, well, now you have an excellent solution to both. Meet someone for a coffee or enjoy a hobby for an hour or two, and let him do the childcare. He might realise that finding 'me time' with two children isn't all that easy.

Joysmum · 28/09/2014 19:48

Quite agree, nothing so boring as a partner without their own interests and friends.

Id question, was the language trying to goad you into getting your own life (all be it done in a cuntish way) or was it done to hurt and nothing to do with wanting you to be more fulfilled?

Jarca · 28/09/2014 19:58

He meant that he did it for you! Now he's surprised you're not grateful. How typical!
Tell him the HeForShe campaign is meant a bit differently.

If he wants you to have friends and hobbies he should turn the tv off and take care of kids. If he did that for three hours, you would have time to make friends and have hobbies.

Original poster
daisygatsby · 28/09/2014 20:09

Dd is 11mo ds is 4 and I've just returned to work ( for context)

I think ice had two nights out on my own since she was born, both times he wanted me to make sure she was asleep before I left . Anytime I do go out he wants to know how long I'll be , if I'm out for a while he always says I've been gone ages

I often take dc out without him, he has never done the same

Fwiw I have plenty of interests , but neither the time nor the energy at the minute to go out in the evening to pursue them. Dd wakes around 5am.

I did say to him it's fine to sit on the couch for three hours , but when is it my turn to do that?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/09/2014 20:11

I'd be going out tomorrow evening. Before bath time.

Original poster
daisygatsby · 28/09/2014 20:13

Two nights a week when he's at college I do tea, bath and bed on my own. He would have a fit if he had to do that regularly. He hasn't even done it once .

OP posts:
coraltoes · 28/09/2014 20:18

I'd fucking lay down the law. What's good for the gander is good for the goose. Book two nights a week out doing something and he can fucking put up or shift out.

Vivacia · 28/09/2014 20:21

I'd take a book and drive out to a car park for a couple of hours if that's all I could find.

He's their dad daisy. He can cope.

Redefined · 28/09/2014 20:37

Anytime I do go out he wants to know how long I'll be , if I'm out for a while he always says I've been gone ages

I am so sorry that your DH made you feel so miserable, OP.
Just please be aware that phrases like these are indicators that your partnership is out of balance. Many may see them as red flags for abusive behaviour.
Please be good to yourself.

Original poster
daisygatsby · 01/10/2014 10:13

just coming back to this.

dh and i have only talked briefly about it. i told him i was upset about what he said but he doesnt seem to think its anything worth apologising over. he just inisisted that i was wrong to have a go at him for sitting on the couch doing nothing. he seems to think i should be thanking my lucky stars he stays in. If thats his attitude id prefer he just went out to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisygatsby · 01/10/2014 10:14

but i have found a book club im going to go along to on monday night.
thats step one

OP posts:
peasandlove · 01/10/2014 10:17

Good for you

Original poster
daisygatsby · 01/10/2014 10:21

its a feminist book club - even better!

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 01/10/2014 10:22

What he said was humiliating. I agree that when there are young dc time for yourself can be sparse.

The thing is, if you are content with your social life and friend situation then you need to make that clear. At the minute my situation is slightly similar to yours and I am at the moment content with that. My focus is on the home and dc with a little time for me here and there.

My dh has interests outside the home and also works. I understand that he needs time and space to pursue these interests alongside us and I'm happy for him.

If he isn't happy with spending all his free time with you and the dc you need to address this. Otherwise his misery will fester into petty arguments.

I'm assuming that if you wanted to take up a hobby he would let you. So if it's what you want it's time to take action.

Longdistance · 01/10/2014 10:23

Book club's s good start.
When we moved to Oz, I was very lonely, and finding it hard to settle, so joined a pissed up book club. It was on every month, and we rotated houses, and talked books, and about life, and generally got pissed Grin
I think the lack of support and help from your h is probably why you may not be wanting any interests. That he's holding you back. My h was the same.

kaykayblue · 01/10/2014 10:26

DAISY - Go out, and don't you dare get the kids down before you go. If he asks/insists that you do, reply with a "when have you ever done that before you go out?"

If he asks you what time you will be back, be honest, but don't be too precise, otherwise you will feel like you have to rush. Something like "I think we should be finished by 2100 maybe, and then it's 20 odd minutes to get home. I'll text you in advance if it looks like it's going to be significantly later than that".

Your husband sounds like a dick to be honest. He considers his very presence in the house (sitting on his fat arse doing fuck all) to be worthy of praise. He then uses it against you when you rightly complain that he is being a lazy prick ("oh but I don't even want to be here. I'm only here because you are so pathetic. You should be grateful.")

AT THE SAME TIME, he doesn't want you to have a life outside the home. By complaining that you "were gone ages" is childish. To insist that you do all the kiddie duties before going out is fucking lazy at best and massively disrespectful.

Enjoy your book club. Then tell him later in the week "you know, you're right. I am definitely going to socialise more. I'll take two days a week - like you and your college. That sounds fair doesn't it? Great".