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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What dh said

45 replies

daisygatsby · 28/09/2014 19:26

This afternoon I told him I was fed up cos he had spent three hours this am sat on couch watching sport on TV whilst I ran around after kids.

He told me he was chained to me because I have no mates and no hobbies and other blokes would be down the pub with their mates watching it. He repeated abt three times that I have no hobbies and no mates.

I feel angry and hurt , he's trying to pretend like nothing is wrong

OP posts:

ravenmum · 01/10/2014 10:39

Looking at this from a slightly different point of view...

Your husband has a hobby which happens to be watching sport. He might do his hobby at the pub, at home - whatever he chooses, it is OK for him to take a couple of hours off for his hobby, while you look after the kids. He doesn't have to parent all the time. It's understandable that if you complain about him doing his hobby he might get annoyed.

Having said that, he sounds like he is blaming you for his having to stay at home. Unless you specifically asked him to stay at home, that's not fair or relevant. And unless you specifically asked him to spend all his time with you, it's not his problem how many friends you have. It sounds like he's bringing up the subject to make you feel bad, and that's the opposite of what he should be doing as a loving partner.

The other problem seems to be that you feel exhausted and need to take time off too, though it sounds like you're working on that. You've just started work again, with your little one so young? I started part-time when my youngest was about 3 and it was sooo knackering at first; felt like I'd fall on the ground from exhaustion. Does your husband also realise that you might need to share out some of the work at home differently now that you've got this extra burden?

Twinklestein · 01/10/2014 11:42

Watching sport on TV is not a flipping hobby. Playing sport, is.

He's simply attacking the OP to deflect the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight with the children.

The OP doesn't have time for hobbies and friends because her husband is not doing enough childcare.

Original poster

daisygatsby · 01/10/2014 11:46

I have never asked him to stay at home with me and the kids , he can and does go out. Not very regularly , but he does. Thats totally fine with me. I like my own company. And Im knackered in the evenings so happy to have an early night.

The things about the mates is , he wants me to have mates here that I will go and see but take the kids with me so he can have time to himself. I do that occasionally. Has he ever taken the kids out and left me at home alone? No he bloody hasnt - DD is nearly one and he cant even fasten the bloody car seat in without me doing it.

I do need a break from the house , and the idea of going out two nights a week just to prove a point is exhausting. But ill bloody do it.

raven in terms of sharing out the work at home; he does a little, but not enough. I have already made the decision that im going to stop doing his laundry. Up until now i was even pairing his socks at putting them away for him! I am a mug. The other day I left his pile of clean clothes on the bed, so far he has managed to put them on top of the chest of drawers but not actually in them.

quite it was humiliating. and thats why even though I see where hes coming from and I agree, I think I deserve an apology. But its not forthcoming.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 01/10/2014 11:52

Good for you OP and I'm happy that he's shot himself in the foot with his raving.

IrianofWay · 01/10/2014 11:55

"He's simply attacking the OP to deflect the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight with the children."

Quite. Deflection.

Twinklestein · 01/10/2014 12:02

You wouldn't be so exhausted OP if he gave you a break by looking after the children - either at home while you go out, or take them out while you have some peace at home.

I think you need to carve up the childcare equally between you, and the cooking & household chores too - from his attitude I highly suspect he is not pulling his weight there either.

Definitely take up a hobby/study 2 nights a week, just to make a point.

scallopsrgreat · 01/10/2014 12:10

What is he adding to your life daisy? I mean really? How is he making your life easier in any way shape or form?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/10/2014 12:17

I'm glad your book club is a feminist one. Perhaps they'll help you to see what a lazy misogynistic arsehole you're married to and show you how to just leave him to have to get on with looking after his own children when you're not there. Or is that woman's work?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2014 12:27

Rather an imbalance going on. He is supposed to be a family man, he doesn't win a medal for not going off with his mates. For starters the home is not a convenient bed, shower and cafe. Is he expecting you to mummy him as well as the children?

It's not his job to amuse you but marriage is meant to enhance your life. Yes, definitely entertain yourself after work without the little ones and make sure it's not a one-off 'treat' if he takes care of his children. I am sure he takes it for granted you enable him to work/study and socialise.

He might not get the 'doing things as a family' bit but the average 4 yo has tons of energy to burn off. What better way to bond with his children than go out, run around? If he is incapable of thinking up a day out present him with a couple of ideas. The choices are not limited to (a) sit on the sofa or (b) go out with his pals.

Littlef00t · 01/10/2014 17:42

In addition to nights out, I would also take myself out on a weekend morning and let him deal with the energetic kids.

Go to a lovely cafe, buy a paper or bring a book and just relax. Wander back and enquire what's for lunch.

FelineLou · 01/10/2014 18:23

You have told us about all this but it is not us who can change his attitude. You need to talk to him in a reasonable way and try to get him to see that he is not pulling his weight. Help him learn to take care of his children. Sometimes when they see you doing it all they don't know where to start. Communication is key here. Start him off with the more enjoyable parts of child care and gradually leave him to do more of his share.

Original poster

daisygatsby · 02/10/2014 10:00

feline Im not sure I need to be 'helping him learn to take care of his children' - nobody helped me ! And why should he just be doing the more enjoyable parts? are you trying to wind me up??

OP posts:

ravenmum · 02/10/2014 10:19

Hm, reminds me of my ex "not knowing" that a room needed vacuuming or bins emptying, as if only women know that kind of thing and then have to inform men.

Twinkle, watching sport on TV is a shit hobby, but it's evidently what he does to unwind. Sure, he was attacking daisy to change the subject - I didn't think that needed repeating. I was commenting that he has a right to watch the game (or whatever) occasionally and that it's normal to feel annoyed when that draws complaints.

Daisy, maybe you need to organise your duties and your time off more clearly? That might be easier to "sell" if you underline the fact that as well as having certain duties you'll each do, both of you will also have certain agreed times that you can just sit with your feet up and do nothing?

Original poster

daisygatsby · 02/10/2014 11:15

raven yes, evidently things need to be a bit more clearly underlined for him.

I suppose in the end it will be me that wins out here since im going to end up with more free time.

im still really pissed off with him though for the manner in which he brought it up. he wont accept that he was wrong to do that though, and wont apologise for it which is really all i want now at this stage (now i have made my own mind up with regards my time off etc)

OP posts:

4seasons · 02/10/2014 13:18

Years ago when my two children were small my DH used to play golf at the weekends . He enjoyed it and it helped him to relax. I worked full time in a demanding job once my youngest was 5 and at weekends caught up with housework etc.Each Sunday he would go off to golf and return to enjoy the Sunday lunch I had cooked , house nice and clean and tidy and kids looked after. So, eventually I used to go window shopping for a few hours on Saturdays , get a coffee , try clothes on etc to get some me time
. He " helped " me by looking after the children . When I used to get back the house would be a tip ! When I complained about this he used to say that he had been watching the kids for me and hadn't had time to do anything else ( apart from watch football on the TV!) . He suggested that I take the children with me when I next went shopping . I suggested he take them with him when he played golf !!! Apparently this was not the same at all !!

I look back now at how things used to be and can't believe I went along with it all. Along with others I think you should find some things you will enjoy doing outside the house .... without the children. Tell him what you have organised and just expect him to do some parenting / housework etc. Tell him that's what grown ups do . Tell him that your marriage is not a slave / master relationship and that you expect both of you to have hobbies / interests/ friends . Please let us know what his response is to this as I suspect he is simply a lazy arse who just used this response about you not having friends and having to stay in with you as an excuse for doing fuck-all in the home or with the kids .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/10/2014 13:29

Quite right 4seasons, I don't see it as 'helping' because it's his home and the DCs are his children too.

Why does an adult male need things explaining to him? I doubt that many adults think that everything that goes on around them - childcare, housework, shopping - is happening by way of magic. As a child and teen he possibly got used to his mum doing everything. So now he reasons that DW will do it all.

DCs still aren't able to do much for themselves, no bother, DW has it covered. Clean clothes? They appear from time to time, neatly piled up, huh she didn't get round to putting them away but just overlook that by moving them around the bedroom.
Stomach empty, need refuelling, oh but DW has bought and prepared food, sorted.
Now for some nice tv time. Am in, not out merrymaking, DW should be grateful.

Twinklestein · 02/10/2014 13:46

Why does he need to 'unwind' in the morning Ravenmum he's just got out of bed! When does the OP get to unwind? Never by the sound of it.

OP I think you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and sit him down and tell him things have to change. Say he's right you have no hobbies, because you have no time or energy because he leaves the childcare to you. Then draw up a list of your respective working hours, and carve up the household chores including cooking and shopping, and childcare between you. Give yourself 2 nights to go and pursue study or hobby (even if you don't want to it will be good for you to get out of the house and extremely good for your husband to look after the children alone).

This isn't about asking him to do little bit more here and there, or his 'learning' to look after children, he needs a fundamental change in attitude and behaviour.

You've been carrying him for too long, and it's got to stop.

ravenmum · 02/10/2014 14:24

My point about him being allowed to watch TV doesn't seem to be coming over. To put it simply, the problem here is not that he was watching TV; the problem is that he generally does not do his share of the work. It's important to talk about the laziness, as if you talk about the TV-watching he will see the discussion as being about TV-watching, when it isn't. And he'll think "But I'm allowed to watch TV if I want", which is not the point. He'll think you're unreasonably trying to stop him watching TV, when you are not.

Yes, both parents need to take time off. He's choosing to take his time off in the morning, and hopefully daisy will now be taking her time off too!

Why is it that men do often seem to need telling that they should be doing things? I don't get it either. Is it just what they've learned from home? My ex started out doing stuff, though, and only lapsed into doing as little as possible after the kids were there. I was a SAHM for several years, during which I felt I should be doing the housework, but after I started working again he never got back into doing any household duties again. His mum worked really hard as a doctor, while his dad worked half-days as a teacher, but his mum did all the housework, cooking etc. My ex just gradually built the same set-up for himself.

Twinklestein · 02/10/2014 14:38

Actually I think the problem is both. Nobody watches TV in the morning in my house full stop. It's lazy.

If you're a parent of young children you don't really get time off at the weekends, especially not the mornings when children are at their most energetic. After lunch if a siesta is necessary, ok.

ravenmum · 02/10/2014 14:48

Even if the two things are both problematic to you (only one would be to me), I'd say they're two different problems and you'd need to bring them up separately. If he hears you saying "Why are you sitting around watching TV?" he will probably not understand that to mean "Why don't you do your share of the housework?"

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