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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is being unfaithful and refuses to leave.

42 replies

edmerckx77 · 28/09/2014 11:33

He has admitted meeting other women from a dating site and he has been having a relationship with a neighbour and disappears for many hours at a time. Just last week he drove home from a liaison in a drunken state but I was too scared to report it to the police. I want him gone but he refuses to leave. We have 4 children and live in privately rented accommodation.
He is cruel and mentally abusive and has hit me in the past. I am at my wits end as I don't know what to do. The tenancy is in both names. His behaviour is having a devastating effect on the children, especially the youngest two who are both under 11. The elder 2 are teenagers.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 28/09/2014 11:39

You could contact women's aid and ask for help to leave.

Ideally he would leave and you would all remain in the family home and he would allow you to leave peacefully and would respect that and not cause trouble and if you take him to court etc it might, eventually, end up that the court requires him to leave. Although they can't guarantee his behaviour. But that is a long, drawn out process and if he is abusive, it might be safer for you to get help to leave, with the children, and live somewhere else.

I know that's crap, I know it's the last thing you want, I know it's like you being 'punished' for his actions, but you have to ask yourself what is the most important thing here? And it has to be the safety and well being of you and the children. The house is just a house. You are what matters. your children are being terribly affected. Call women's aid and ask for help.

Bogeyface · 28/09/2014 12:29

Be very very careful.

At the moment he is refusing to leave because he thinks that if he hangs around long enough it will settle down and you will stop going on at him.

The second he realises that you mean it, he will turn nasty. That is when you are in the most danger, this is a man who has been violent in the past and there is no reason to think he wont be again, especially when he realises he is losing control over you.

Call Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ and tell them everything, they will help you get to a refuge. In the meantime start to (safely) squirrel away anything you can in terms of bank stuff, passports, birth certficates etc. If you dont have your own bank account then open one (if you can without him suspecting anything, if not then wait until you have left). Try and get some cash together too.

You can escape this, I know its hard, but you will have endless support here.

HumblePieMonster · 28/09/2014 12:37

Good advice given above. Let him think its all calmed down, until you're ready to go.

Original poster
edmerckx77 · 28/09/2014 15:37

Thank you all. He is very controlling and will put every conceivable object in the way of me moving forward. The kids are already damaged, and putting them in a refuge would simply be too much for them.
He lives in a dream world, telling people he is a martial arts expert and that he was in the parachute regiment etc., none of which is remotely true.
He uses these tactics to draw people in, especially women, who he then convinces he is single. I don't drive, which makes things even more difficult, but he does, and has total control over the car.
Last year, he got £48,000 compensation for a work related injury, which he spent in 10 months. I have no idea what on as I never saw a penny of it, apart from him buying a new cooker and freezer. I am kept short of money, and have to rely on my parents for essentials sometimes.
I just want him to leave and I need to know how I can go about it, legally.
My parents are supportive but I don't want them involved as I don't want to put them at risk. He is frightened of my dad, but I don't want to run the risk of getting dad into trouble with the authorities if there was a confrontation, as there would only be one outcome.
Dad has begged me to go to the police about his violence and driving whilst drunk, but I know there would be repercussions for me and the children if I did. The one time I called the police for help, they were worse than useless, and I suffered the consequences.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 28/09/2014 15:41

Womens Aid will be able to advise.

Vitalstatistix · 28/09/2014 15:52

Yes, women's aid can advise you.

I imagine that it's a court process.

You have to weigh up the damage. The children are being damaged now. How much additional damage will be caused by leaving the home with you and leaving the environment that is damaging them v how much additional damage will be caused by them remaining in the environment and it being piled on them and on them day after day after day for months or years.

Women's aid will be able to talk you through all your options. you really need someone to talk to, someone who can help you to explore your choices and decide which very difficult and painful option is the one that is in yours and the children's best interests.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this and I hope that you are able to get you and your children out, however you feel is best to do that.

kaykayblue · 28/09/2014 15:54

Also, try and get evidence of the affairs if you can do so safely. That means you could divorce him on the grounds of infidelity and he will be obliged to cover your court costs.

ThinkFirst · 28/09/2014 16:55

A refuge may actually be the best place for the kids. Staying put is already damaging them and they won't be able to start to heal until they are out of the current situation.

Talk to women's aid, they won't force you to leave and can give you help and advice.

FrootLoopy · 28/09/2014 17:15

How long do you have left on your tenancy agreement?

fifi669 · 28/09/2014 17:21

I never knew that about court costs. Does that include solicitors etc? Is there a stipulation that they must be reasonable?

Forget trying to get him out, it's a rental anyway, leave yourself asap.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/09/2014 17:35

"The kids are already damaged, and putting them in a refuge would simply be too much for them."

It might mean a change: a change of school, not seeing their school-friends regularly etcetera but I can almost guarantee that taking them out of a damaging family situation such as this will come as a relief to them. A parent's primary responsibility is to provide safety and security for their children and they certainly don't have that now. I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty but trying to reassure you that removing them to a place of safety will be a blessing, not a curse.

Original poster
edmerckx77 · 28/09/2014 18:00

The tenancy is open ended. We have been here for 8 years. If I leave, where would I go? As I have said, I have 4 children, my eldest son being 17, (so I think he may well be excluded from any refuge), the youngest, my daughter, is 2 years old. I don't work for an employer and I have no real knowledge of where my husband gets his money from. He claims to be working for a charity, but I have my doubts. He takes phone calls in private, lies about who called and lies about who he is contacting.
He lives in a fantasy world and I have no idea when he is actually telling me the truth.
He is the sort who will follow the children from school to find out where we are, and make up stories about their welfare.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 28/09/2014 18:39

Definitely ring Women's aid and they can talk to you about Occupation Orders and Non-Molestation Orders, both of which may be eligible for. The former can exclude him from your home and the latter from harrassing or threatening you or your children. A breech of either of these can lead to him being imprisoned.

Your next step, then, is to file for divorce, as someone says above, if you file for adultery, he pays the court costs. If you file for Unreasonable Behaviour, you do - however, if you're a low earner, you can get some assistance with this.

The divorce is a process of separating any assets and making arrangements for the children rather than a judgement of who did what to whom in the marriage. You can either manage this yourself, but you may, if there has been a history of domestic violence, be eligible for legal aid.

UpUpAndAway123 · 28/09/2014 19:38

Some really good advice but I just wanted to add that if it was me I would be going to my parents for support. You mention your dad has urged you to go to police so they must know some of the history and if you ended up in a refuge then that would probably make your dad more angry with H. Could you stay with them/they stay with you? And go to the police-explain the history but now you want out and see how/if they can help x

perfectstorm · 28/09/2014 20:14

If you are taken into a refuge you will be eligible for emergency council housing. That will offer you a lot more security than a private tenancy, anyway.

Refuge and then a safe home will damage the kids a lot less than living with a violent, abusive fantasist will. Please, please call Women's Aid. You don't need to do what they advise, but you may have many more options than you think.

Original poster
edmerckx77 · 28/09/2014 20:46

Spoke to my dad. He is going to pay for an Occupation Order for me, just as soon as I can arrange it. We don't live near each other so it might take a couple of days to arrange. He was a Senior Housing Officer, specialising in housing law. I don't know why I didn't think of him sooner, but it is 18 years since he changed career.
He explained that a County Court Judge decides who can reside in a property, and based on what has happened, my husband may well be excluded from the property; any breach of this could lead to his arrest, so here's hoping.
I spoke to my 2 eldest children who have said they will not go into a refuge under any circumstances. It might end up that dear old dad has them stay with him for a while.
I can't put into words how frightened I am, but I know I have to do it or the people supporting me may well lose patience with the situation if I do nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
edmerckx77 · 29/09/2014 19:00

Husband reckons he is moving out as he has got a flat, but I think this is just his way of trying to stall things. I've given him until the end of the week to get out voluntarily. If this doesn't happen, I'm going to court next Monday to sort out an order, hopefully the Occupation Order.

OP posts:
Original poster
edmerckx77 · 02/10/2014 14:54

Well, I finally threw him out by locking the doors after he forgot to take his keys. He has been texting ever since, and now says he will kill himself if I don't forgive him.
I went to the County Court this morning and got the paperwork to take out an Occupation Order, which my dad has helped me fill in. I've got to get it back to the court in the morning.
I just want him out of my life. I've wasted 20 years with this man. He was my first real boyfriend, and I didn't know better at the time.
Thanks to him I have no real friends, and feel isolated most of the time.
The anti-depressants no longer seem to work and I struggle to cope every day. I just hope the order is granted as I don't know what I'll do if it isn't.

OP posts:
IAmAShitHotLawyer · 02/10/2014 15:01

Well done you!!!!!

He won't kill himself, that's just emotional blackmail.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 02/10/2014 15:03

www.ncdv.org.uk/

Maybe the above organisation can offer you some advice. Are you safe now? Will he break in if you go out?

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2014 15:06

Good for you OP!

You're being so strong.

MrsMinton · 02/10/2014 15:09

Well done for chucking him out.
You say your ADs aren't helping. Maybe talk to your GP. You may need to up or change them with all this going on. Look after yourself you've done so well.

Original poster
edmerckx77 · 02/10/2014 15:14

He may well break back in. He has kicked holes in the interior doors recently and smashed up the coffee table. That was for pressing him about the £48k he got for an injury. I saw where about £1500 went, but have absolutely no idea about the rest.
He may well break in and smash the house up if I go out.
I'm terrified, but I know I have to go through with this.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 02/10/2014 15:32

Well done, you are doing fantastically.
If he kicks the door or frightens you in anyway call 999 it will only help your case.
In fact it maybe worth updating the local police anyway just in case.