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Original poster

Help im going to cheat.....

26 replies

Missq84 · 20/09/2014 08:52

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly ten years, we recently brought a house together and we get on great......but our sex life is non existent! I do love him lots but i dont know wether its just more as friends now. I recently went away with a friend and met a gorgeous fella who is just my type, we switched names n have been chatting on fb. He knows about my situation n he wants to come to see me..... I dont think i can help myself, im incredibly drawn to him! hes absolutley gorgeous! I dont wanna tell my bf incase it turns to nothing,i know that it would kill him if he ever even found out i was contemplating all this, i honestly dont think i could ever leave him but i feel i need to do this to see im still alive. Wat to do?

OP posts:
mariomadmum · 20/09/2014 08:54

I just have one question for you, how would you feel if it was the other way around? I think you need to talk to your bf before you do anything you are likely to regret.

magoria · 20/09/2014 09:00

You don't want to tell your boyfriend in case the new man turns to nothing?

So what if it turns to something you will then dump your boyfriend without a care?

You very selfish person.

Respect your boyfriend and tell him it is over that will hurt far less than being cheated and lied to.

carlywurly · 20/09/2014 09:05

What kind of something do you think it ever could turn into? He knows your situation and is sniffing about, you are testing the water too while keeping your long term bf on the back burner.

Tbh, sounds like you're made for each other. Hmm good luck with the trust side of things

kaykayblue · 20/09/2014 09:11

Of course you can help yourself. Grow up on that front.

Look, I don't think your situation is particularly rare, although I would question why you have let the relationship develop this far? To be honest, this other guy doesn't matter at all. It's more the fact that he has acted as a catalyst to make you realise that you aren't satisfied in your current relationship.

You have two options:

  • You either sit down with your boyfriend and have a very serious discussion with him. About you feeling like your relationship is in very real danger of turning into "friend" territory due to the lack of sexual contact. He might not have realised, or he might have been thinking exactly the same thing. Then you both discuss your feelings and views on it like rational adults and come up with a way forwards.

  • Or, you decide that the relationship really is over in any kind of romantic sense, and you simply don't see your boyfriend in a romantic light anymore. That's not your fault. It happens. In which case I would recommend collecting the bare minimum paperwork to show how much you contributed towards the house, and any other finances (just to prove your contributions should things turn nasty down the line), and tell your boyfriend that the relationship is over. You then focus on finding somewhere to live, and getting the legalities of the house sorted out.

It's very important to note that there is no "option 3" which is you sneaking off to fuck this random guy you met on holiday, in order to "scratch your itch" by betraying your boyfriend, whilst maintaining the convenience of your financial security together. Because that's the option that would make you a disgusting person.

I think your boyfriend would be less upset about you opening up to him and talking about your worries on your relationship (without mentioning Mr other random guy), than he would finding out that you'd been fucking some other guy on the side. Don't you think?

Original poster
Missq84 · 20/09/2014 09:11

I havent actually done anything yet, and i do know its wrong! I just needed some1 to hear my prob n hear veiws on all of this

OP posts:
wantacatplease · 20/09/2014 09:12

You will do irreparable damage to your relationship, and if this 'gorgeous' guy knows you're in a relationship but doesn't care/mind then what kind of boyfriend do you think he'll make??

I wouldn't be able to live with myself after doing something like this to someone I love. Remember it's a choice you can't take back.

Original poster
Missq84 · 20/09/2014 09:14

Thanks i appreiciate all comments, i dont think i could go through loosing him and my house in all honesty, i suppose thats cleared it up

OP posts:
wantacatplease · 20/09/2014 09:22

I think you should focus on fixing whatever is going wrong inside your relationship then, and forget this other guy. Great, he's gorgeous and shown interest. It doesn't mean he'd be a good long-term partner and wanting commitment or any of the things your current partner gives you.

In all honesty, there's a good chance he likes the chase of pursuing an unavailable woman, and as soon as you give him what he's after he'd be gone. If he cared about you he'd back
off out of respect until you were sure you want to end your relationship.

tiggy2610 · 20/09/2014 09:24

My best friend seems to be in a very similar situation, although has gone further with her 'other man' than I approve of.

She has been with bf for 8 years, they have a house together etc...but she thinks they're more like bestfriends than a couple. They spend the majority of their free time apart with her going away with friends for weekends and him at home. She ended up getting very close to a colleague and starting up a 'semi-relationship'. No sex, but pretty much emotionally a couple. She wouldn't end it with her BF as she didn't know where it was going and if it was just a fling she needed to get out of her system.

This went on for a few months then she ended up and things were ok with bf, now, one year later, she's started things up with the other man again but won't end things with bf. It's not my life but she knows that I think this is a definite sign she needs out of the relationship.

Anyway...my point is she is staying with BF, I think, purely because it's the easiest option but there is no real 'relationship' left. But if you genuinely still love DH and are just going through a stale patch then I don't think you should risk it. Marriages need work and aren't always perfect. A year down the line things might be different, would you/wouldn't you regret doing anything with this other man?

tiggy2610 · 20/09/2014 09:24
  • sorry wrongly assumed DH!
Hatespiders · 20/09/2014 09:30

Finish one relationship before starting another. It's the only way to be happy in the long run and not hurt others. Please don't do this. Work on your present situation, either sort it or leave. Mr Gorgeous is just sniffing around a woman in a live-in relationship, which says a lot about his moral boundaries (or lack of them!)

Bloomingflower1 · 20/09/2014 09:40

If you choose to continue your EA with this "gorgeous" man then you will effectively be ending your current relationship. Already your feelings about your boyfriend will have changed and you will be viewing him more negatively. That is virtually inevitable as you compare the two and try to find an excuse (little sex) for cheating.

I concur with others, in that you should either finish with the "gorgeous" man and commit to your boyfriend (I know boyfriend has a different interpretation to it these days, but after 10 years it sounds casual) or end with your boyfriend and see what happens. It feels to me that you see your bf as Plan B, someone to fall back on if all else fails. This is immature and selfish. Are you selfish OP?

LosingAllTheLego · 20/09/2014 13:50

I can understand feeling a spark within you at receiving attention from this man if it isn't happening at home.

However, it won't fix whatever the problem is with your partner and you'll feel worse if you let things happen with OM. I know its hard to stop speaking to him, but you really should, and you probably know that. He's probably not got any interests at heart other than his own, and most decent men wouldn't be making arrangements to see a woman they know is married as anything more than friends. You've already crossed a line so if you meet the "relationship" you've built up via Facebook Will be compounded.

longtallsally2 · 20/09/2014 13:59

Agree with the pps. Focus on your current relationship. End it if you need to. Spend some time enjoying yourself and being single. That is the time to contact the other man, not before.

If you meet him now, you will not be laying the foundations for a relationship which will last. You will know that he is someone who considers cheating OK, and who will not be falling in love with the real you, but rather with a souped up version who will be full of adrenaline, feeling she is escaping from her unhappy situation. Not a good way to lay the foundations of a relationship which you might want to continue in less intense circumstances.

meditrina · 20/09/2014 14:05

It's quite simple really. You don't cheat unless you want to.

Realising in time that your in dangerous territory could be exactly the wake up call to improve things with your boyfriend.

First step if you do want to stay with him is to sever all contact with the OM.

Then work on the relationship of your choice.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/09/2014 20:26

Glad you've decided against cheating. Although flamed for this I'll be but I wouldn't blame anyone in a sexless marriage/relationship for cheating.

Itsfab · 20/09/2014 20:33

You can help yourself don't be so silly.

Buying a house with someone you don't have a full relationship with is ridiculous unless you have both said you are just friends now.

Why do you not want to lose your boyfriend? You treat him like crap. You moan there is no sex. Does he have a lot of money? If he is so amazing you don't want to lose him why were/are you contemplating fucking someone lese behind his back?

Why do you want to lose your house? Selling yourself so short there.

papercliplover · 20/09/2014 20:36

You ask what you should do. May I suggest grow up?

jadey101 · 20/09/2014 20:41

'i dont think i could go through loosing him and my house'

Think youve said it all there really, if you were renting or living separately you would have cheated by now wouldn't you?

WillowWoods · 20/09/2014 21:24

You have to break up with your boyfriend. It will only become more stale,and if it's not this 'gorgeous' man,it'll be another. Why are you with BF at all? Put a halt on your empty relationship before you have children.

badbaldingballerina123 · 20/09/2014 22:46

What a sucker you are Op. Your self esteem must be on the floor to be flattered by this shit. Have you heard the phrase pump and dump ? Your every player and cheats dream.

NickiFury · 20/09/2014 22:50

It's not actually "wrong" to fancy someone else at all. It's not wrong to end a relationship because you met someone you liked better. What's wrong is deceiving someone who loves and trusts you and keeping him on the back burner in case the new bloke doesn't work out.

arsenaltilidie · 21/09/2014 11:53

After 10 years together, no married and seems like no plans to have children.
Maybe it's time to call it a day on the relationship and have sex with whoever you want.

Sandthorn · 21/09/2014 12:20

"It would kill him if he ever found out..."

If you genuinely give a shit about this, you have ONE chance to prevent it: by deleting this other guy's number and forgetting all about him. The moment you escalate it in any way, and I mean by exchanging texts, or phonecalls, or ANYTHING, you have crossed the line.

It's ok to not want to live with a sexless relationship. But if you can't reinstate the sex within the relationship, then your only option is to jettison the relationship altogether. You don't get to keep the friendship, and the financial benefits while treating your partner like shit.

TonyThePony · 21/09/2014 16:19

To be honest, I think people that say 'I can't help myself' are pathetic.

YOU choose to be with him.
YOU chose to buy a house with him.
YOU are choosing to cheat on him.

It's so selfish and so shit.

Split up with him if you're 'just friends', don't wait and see if someone else is interested in you first, give him a chance to find a nice girl that will actually love and respect him.