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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you had a relatives visit...

33 replies

BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 12:29

That leave you annoyed/irritated as an after effect? This is the first time I'm feeling this. Had my in laws visit for 10 days and It feels really strange. Almost like when you take a really bitter medicine and you cannot spit it out but surely don't want to swallow it either...

OP posts:
ErmagerdANerknerm · 16/09/2014 12:32

I'd say you've coped bloody well to just feel irritated after 10 days Grin I'm ready to go nuclear after a 3 hour visit!

What was it about their visit that has left you feeling this way? Do you get along usually?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 12:41

What's that saying.... 'Visitors are like fish. They go off after 3 days'.

I love having visitors for the weekend but I'm conscious that I don't relax the way I do when there's no-one else there. They don't have to be particularly hard work or tricky customers, but I always feel that obligation to be a good host, put in a bit of effort, make sure they've got everything they need etc. After 10 days cooped up with the same people I'd probably be having a sense of humour failure... Hmm

That feeling you are describing sounds like the tense frustration of not being able to say what you think. So here's your chance... dish the dirt. :)

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 13:17

About to drive, will spill my heart out when home

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 13:18
MarthasVineyard · 16/09/2014 13:25

I'm ready to go nuclear after a 3 hour visit!

Me too Grin

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 18:31

Ok here goes...
In laws were here for 10 days. Why? Well we had a baby 5 months back so wanted to visit granddaughter.
My husband doesn't get along with his parents..his dad can be manipulative and mum well she favours the son who can talk 'big'!
They come in, husband decides best course of action would be not to talk with them at all. Which was kind of good as it gave me an option to put die distance as well.
They come in, I understand from the first interaction with our little one that they are not really that interested in her. MILL was terrified of the nappy leaking in her and when I give her to hold the little one for longer than 10 mins she tries to off load her due to the fear of having to help out...
The rest of the 19 days, not once asked to help with housework/cooking or childcare.
She would prompt make tea/ breakfast for the two of them not once would offer to make for us.
I take the baby out with me on errands since they never offered to look after he band when I come back knackered not once have even offered me a glass of water.
Would come down promptly on time for dinner but would not help serve or clean up.
After dinner she would cut and apple in 4 quartes..2 for fil 2 for her.
The day they were leaving to the US to visit other so I was gravely ill with a stomach flu. Since landing there not once did they ring to find out if I was dead or alive or indeed how thier granddaughter was doing!

But they are very clear on sorting out their care plan, tbh the trip was to discuss that and not just to see the grandchild. They want assurances as to which son will look after them and so on..how can parents be so selfish???

The past 10 days my own house didn't feel like my own. I dreaded coming back everyday....there was an air of doom and gloom about. And a feeling like you are being watched and discussed about....

It feels so much better to put it down in words....

OP posts:
Chottie · 16/09/2014 18:35

That's just awful. You sound as if you provided a 5* hotel service.

Why didn't your MiL want to cuddle and look after your PFB? I am a GM and would love to be able to take a baby out for a walk, help with bathing and play with the baby. Did they offer to take you all out for lunch to give you a break from cooking? Well done you on surviving it all. I hope you are feeling better now.

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 18:40

Thanks Chottie , for your kind words. She and Fil has got this idea that they would not extend any help as we as kids would take advantage of them! I'm not sure where in the world they get this ribbish ideas from as we haven't as much as asked them for a lift home!!! Not even an offer to hold the baby 5 mins while I nip to the loo... But they sure wanted to go sightseeing to London!!! To which my husband said no...not with a 5 month old.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/09/2014 18:55

They don't sound very helpful but not sure what you mean when you say husband decides best course of action would be not to talk with them at all - do you mean that your husband didn't talk to his own parents for the whole visit Confused.

Did you actually ask directly 'please can you look after while I have a bath?' or something like that.

It sounds as though everyone was being very passive aggressive.

Next time suggest they stay in a hotel.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/09/2014 19:00

She and Fil has got this idea that they would not extend any help as we as kids would take advantage of them! I'm not sure where in the world they get this ribbish ideas from

It's called "projection". They are assigning to you their own motives, ie they think you would behave as they would in your shoes.

Care plan eh? Hmm Hope they are fully aware that the favoured son is clearly the best person for the job, as you two obviously can't be trusted, selfish users that you are...

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/09/2014 19:07

Care plan? You're in a different country so they can make whatever plans they like which don't include you in them!

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 19:11

Ragwort- yes my husband didn't say much. Mainly due to fil. He has a way of 'needling' you. My bil is a doctor in the US. Silk is a Physio. My husband Management Consultant and me an Accountant. Now my fil thinks that his second son is US has done better since he's a doctor so whenever he speaks to my husband there us always an element of favouritism and needling in the way of ' oh bil will do well since in doctors circles blah blah blah' or 'Bil is so busy since he's a doc'. My husband felt that it's best not to engage in this nonsense this time and the only way to do that is sadly to keep mum..
As for asking help..as soon as she sees me coming home she goes in fir a nap..so no chance if asking!

OP posts:
Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 19:13

Annie- Favoured son is bit if a 'smart Alec' he'll say things what you want to hear but do something completely different which suits him. My husband although was never treated well by his parents is a softie. I know it'll fall onto us...

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 16/09/2014 19:15

Oh God, you poor girl, and poor DH. I'd never EVER have them to stay again ... but then I'm a hard-hearted old crone.

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 19:15

Bitter- well they are trying to use their property to entice us but I've told dh that we don't want anything..just let us live in peace..they can give the whole lot to their favourite child.

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Cinnamon73 · 16/09/2014 19:35

Well the favoured son is definitely the better person to care for them, as he's a doc and all Wink

Sounds like my mum visiting. If I ask her for help she will break stuff. Last time I asked her to make herself a cup of coffee as I was heading out for work, she killed the kettle (put electric kettle on gas hob).

Honestly I would not have them stay again, at least not over night. They sound awful.

Cinnamon73 · 16/09/2014 19:37

Stick to your guns. It sounds a really bad idea to live any closer to them.

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 19:48

Cinnamon73- thanx. I have a feeling we wil receive an email from US one of these days seeking to finalise their care plans. This time I'm going to say what's in my mind. I need to keep my sanity and have a happy family...as selfish as that sounds I just cannot imagine living together.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/09/2014 20:12

Their care plans involve living with you? Shock

Just Say No!

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 20:18

Annie- their care plan ideally involves us moving to India, since the weather suits them better and they don't need to make any changes. Failing that they would 'settle' to move in with us..but god forbid they catch a cold of flu or even the weather turns..it's all 'our' fault. Even in the 10 days they were here I had two complaints from MIL about how it's too cold. I honestly don't know where she got the idea that I control the weather!!!!!!

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/09/2014 20:21

Their effing "care plan" needs to entail some sort of sheltered housing in the US, not moving in with family thousands of miles away who don't want them. Sod that!

Anniegetyourgun · 16/09/2014 20:24

You'll be spending every penny you earn on central heating, then.

I suggest you agree to follow them to India once you've got the house sold etc, then sort of miss out the bit where you actually go. They might write you rude letters or even come back and shout outside your house, but they can't drag you physically onto a plane.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/09/2014 20:35

Did I read that their visit was to sort out their care plan. Does that mean you and your DH get to chose the care home they go into evil Grin.

Original poster
BunnyChow · 16/09/2014 21:21

Clutter- oh no, sorting care plan is always in their terms. It always goes ' we have a property plus cash, someone will need to look after us, but we won't say who gets hold if the property that will be decided by myself (fil) and after me by mil. Nothing will be in your names (since we don't trust you - this bit not told but implied) ideally we like you to come to India ( since you both are 'failures' again not said but implied)
Once when dh said that he needs to think of taking care of my parents should they require it there was apparently a stony silence, I wasn't part of that conversation.
They try to dangle money as a carrot but we (me and dh) are frankly not interested. We are more interested in having a family and proper relationships which we thankfully have through my side of the family.

OP posts:
Cinnamon73 · 16/09/2014 21:25

Moving to India? Oh wow. Does your dh & family come from India? Was there ever talk about moving there?