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Original poster

Living together trial starts tomorrow (feeling a little anxious)

45 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 30/08/2014 23:03

Hello everyone, following my last thread a few weeks ago, we are back from holiday and my boyfriend of 3 years and I start our living together month tomorrow. A bit of background is that we are nearly 40, I devorced with 2 dc's youngest is nearly 10. He has never married before nor has Dc's.we spend 4-5 nights together but he has been reluctant to move in fully.

After a heart to heart in April in which he explained his fear of ruining the bast relationship he has ever had ( he thinks couples loose their individuality and stop making an effort when they live together) we decided we would do a trial for a month because after 3 years, I felt we can move to the next stage.

I suggested we bought a new be together which arrived today, he asked if he could have a bachelor day today, so he is spending tonight at his, the first weekend alone for nearly 3 years. I am excited but also fear how I would respond if after the trial he decided to move back to his. Hand holding please, some experiences of similar would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 30/08/2014 23:13

He sounds like an awful lot of hard work. IMO if he wanted to live with you, he would. This ridiculous request to have a bachelor day sounds like a crock of shit to me. Sorry. He should be delighted at the thought of sharing his life with you, not putting you on trial or at least, putting your living together on trial.

Let him keep his individuality.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 30/08/2014 23:16

in which he explained his fear of ruining the bast relationship he has ever had ( he thinks couples loose their individuality and stop making an effort when they live together)

This would bother me a lot to be honest. Why does he think he will ruin the r'ship? Did you ask him? You are not really going to get a feel for living as a couple, warts and all, with this attitude hanging over you. I would feel under pressure to always be a certain way so as to allay his fears. Hope it works out for you but remember this is also your home.

HanselandGretel · 30/08/2014 23:53

How can you have a months 'trial'?? You are not a broadband package fgs. After three years, that is all he's willing to chance, all his options wide open. I think you are already on the back foot with this one and would quite frankly be insulted that he is being so hesitant and negative. This batchelor night in is ridiculous and shows how that he feels he's giving something up rather than looking at the move as a progression and something to be embraced.

Not looking good, sorry OP.

sykadelic · 31/08/2014 00:13

Living together for a month won't really prove anything to be honest. He'll still be on his best behaviour (as will you), still have his own apartment... he's still a "guest".

To me, his reluctance, his need for a "bachelor day" says it all. He doesn't want to live with you and after the month is up he'll say he's not ready yet or he'll say he's ready and once he's moved in and you fall out of "guest" mode and into normal mode he'll claim you lied (my ex did that after sex lessened after a couple of years - i "misled" him).

The 4-5 nights together is the big tell, your life, your kids, whatever... is too much full time. That's why he's only there 4-5 days a week.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure this is going to end well.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 31/08/2014 00:21

Oh, and there was me thinking he needs a free day to pack, we have just come off a two week holiday last week, straightnto work. I used the evening to un pack my cases and do a wardrobe clear out. Why did your ex claim you misled him, did his explain?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 31/08/2014 00:40

Because we had lots of sex in the beginning of the relationship and less as time moved on.

He took to molesting me in my sleep. Needless to say, one of the many reasons he's an ex.

Once we moved in together, after 2 years dating, I finally saw the real him. Simultaneously best and worst decision.

whitsernam · 31/08/2014 01:21

I'm going to be brave and take the guy's side here: I've seen so many relationships in which one or both parties actually did quit making much effort after marriage/moving in together, with pretty sad results. And I also know people who really treasure their time alone, even if it's only one or two nights per week. I think he's telling you honestly how he sees relationships over time, and moving in for one month will not actually tell you much, as both will make the effort for that amount of time.

superstarheartbreaker · 31/08/2014 02:15

I think he's being very sensible tbh. I think the living together thing is a big deal and sounds like he loves you enough to want it to be just so.

KoalaKoo · 31/08/2014 06:48

Op this is not good. I know you think it is the answer but lots of us have advised you not to pressurise him into this. I think you are storing up trouble for yourself in the future, not in the next month but later on when he feels squeezed into a place where he doesn't fit.

Vivacia · 31/08/2014 06:53

I think you're misrepresenting what you have described in your previous threads.

Your partner is lovely and you have a great relationship. The set up is that he really values his own space and prefers to live in a separate household to you. Your friends think this is odd though, so you don't like it. You repeatedly ask him to move in, but he doesn't see why or want to. Eventually you say, "move in or it's over". He agrees to move in for a month's trial. You start to have cold feet.

I feel really sorry for your DP, he sounds lovely and is even willing to put up with the whims of your friends to stay in a relationship with you. And then you start creating drama about him moving in which is what you've wanted all along, against his better judgement.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 31/08/2014 08:58

Thank you everyone, yes he is a very lovely man and we do have a very good relationship, after my last thread I had a lot of advice to keep things as they are. I have taken on that advise and I have seriously seen things from his perspective and from people's experience here.

It's for that reason that I maybe feeling anxious now that I am starting to understand that not every couple has not be together every night. Like Whitesernam said some people value a bit of time alone, I always thought couples have to share a home once they decide they are in it for the long haul.

It's to him putting up with my whims, it's me seeing a different perspective. I have not had him use the term Bachelor day before until last. He has after all been spending two nights at his throughout our relationship.

OP posts:
LividofLondon · 31/08/2014 09:24

As an introvert who feels the need for time alone to recharge, I can see why he would want a day to himself. I can also see his concern over how living together can change a relationship for the worst; I actually think living together is bloody hard and not at all romantic, and living separately but seeing a lot of a partner is much better (for me anyway). I like the Helena Bonham-Carter/Tim Burton style myself, and don't see a reluctance to cohabit formally as a sign of a lack of love. The only thing I don't agree with is that a 1 month trial is not enough to really see how things will be long term.

MorrisZapp · 31/08/2014 09:29

I think if you can afford to live separately then that sounds great. He's basically right, you do lose some of the magic when you cohabit.

ravenmum · 31/08/2014 09:42

He did sound like a nice guy who just didn't want a traditional relationship. But this sounds a bit sneaky - by living with you and having a "bachelor day" isn't he basically doing the same thing as he was before (not living with you all the time), and just calling it something different?! Seems like he's agreed to move in for a while, but is actually wriggling out of doing so.

You might laugh and see that as "oh, funny old him, agreeing to do something but then wriggling out of it" or you might not laugh and think "If he didn't want to do it, why did he not say that straight up, rather than this cop-out?" But maybe he did agree to the scheme in good faith, and then only wriggled out of it when he had a bit of a panic attack. Maybe a little chat would clear that one up?

Vivacia · 31/08/2014 10:23

or you might not laugh and think "If he didn't want to do it, why did he not say that straight up, rather than this cop-out?"

Perhaps because she gave him the ultimatum - move in or we're over.

ravenmum · 31/08/2014 10:35

Oh well, at least it is just a trial! Have you spoken to your partner about the new thoughts you've had, Katie? Explained that maybe the ultimatum wasn't necessary after all? Are you feeling worried as the ultimatum seems to be for you, not him, now? "Try living with me or go" does kind of suggest that you won't be happy if he tries it and chooses not to stay in the long term, doesn't it? But you've now rethought the whole thing, it seems?

MorrisZapp · 31/08/2014 10:40

Yes Vivacia is right. The reason he doesn't say it straight out is because the OP would be hurt and upset by that.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 31/08/2014 11:06

Hello MorrisZapp, what is not saying straight up exactly? All I said was he referred to him staying at his last night as a bachelor day, not an expression he has used before considering he has always stayed a couple of nights at his... Have I missed something here.

Ravenmum, yes it's exactly that. I am not sure I would end the relationship if after the month he said he said he wants to keep his place. I have now seen lots of positives in having things as they are. No I have not discussed my new thoughts with him, I did not want to keep having the same conversation and changing go posts. I really want to be 100 clear in my mind before I say anything.

Gosh, he has gone for a 90 mile bike ride with his friends so not getting here until early evening, with some of his stuff. Our holiday was fabulous, we went self catering and his did most of the cooking, he really supported my youngest with his cycling now he is doing tricks on his bike. It was beautiful watching them.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 31/08/2014 11:18

he thinks couples loose their individuality and stop making an effort when they live together

It actually takes more effort to live together because you have to talk over problems, resolve conflict and compromise often.

How does he normally react when you disagree? Does he go away or stay and talk it through? This would be a good indicator to me of how well you will manage your relationship living together full time.

sonjadog · 31/08/2014 11:18

I think him wanting a bachelor day is not a problem, he is being honest about what he wants. I think the name "bachelor day" is a bit unfortunate, bit it might be down to him feeling nervous about moving in.

I think you both some sensible about this. Give it a month and then have a chat about how it's going. It you decide you are happier with your own places then that is not necessarily a failure, as long as you are both happy.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 31/08/2014 12:35

Hello sonjadog and Fairenuff,

You are both right, maybe Bachelor day is a nervous expression of this could be it, maybe it is a sign that he is seriously thinking about it. We very rarely disagree but when we do we discuss it, he definitely does not like confrontation.

One big thing we disagreed on early on was holidays, is is very active and athletic and likes cooking, so a beach 5 star hotel for a a fortnight is his idea of hell. Me on the other hand that was heaven. So now we take turn o. Choosing, this year was his so we went on a family cycling holiday in the alps, I must admit the kids had more fun and I am not ridden with guilt by too much food/wine extra pounds. next summer is my turn to choose.

We have been decorating, my our bedroom, couldn't agree on paint colours so we agreed on a feature wall paper with both our preferred colours and he left me to choose the rest of the deco. I am sure if we had a proper row/bickering he would be really uncomfortable with it. he will always make his opinion known and can be a stubborn as hell but not I. A shouting sort of stubborn.

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 31/08/2014 13:09

Hmmmnn,

your existing set up sounded fab, but i can see from posts that there is some back story to this that I'm not up to date with.

Honestly, did you give him a move in or its over ultimatum? If so i think its doomed, he has made clear his wishes, its not enough for you if that can't be reconciled then it may be that you aren't meant for each other.

Oh and i like evrrryyonnnne else on here think that a month is just a ridiculous timeframe to be talking about. And i do not think that if it doesn't work out that either of you will find easy to go back to your previous arrangement.

Ragwort · 31/08/2014 13:18

I'm not sure of the back story but I wonder why it is so important to you that you live together?

It sounds like you had the ideal set up Grin and it will of course be very hard for your children if he moves in for the 'trial' and then moves out again.

Personally I think living separately as you do, and having a fabulous relationship, sounds really wonderful.

BonTemps · 31/08/2014 14:28

I don't and won't live with my other half. I love him and he loves me, we're happy as it is.

I love my own space and it works for us, we don't have set days where we see each other, but we are very much a couple, have kids etc, my kids even know we work better when we have our own space, and they are very content to know they have two homes.

We do go on holiday together but even that after 2 weeks together when we return we go our seperate ways for a few days, if we did live together it would ruin a perfectly happy relationship, why rock the boat?

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 31/08/2014 15:47

I see your points ladies, he has not arrived yet, went on a bike ride with his friends, I will try to discuss this again. I wil, update you. the month was my idea, we have been together 3 years so I don't think we need the trial to know, It was mainly for him since he is the one with reservations. My kids would really feel I it I don't think since he is here most of the time, the additional two nights are week nights when he does sports so he won't be in until midnight. Anyway. So no real difference to the kids.

OP posts: