Living together trial starts tomorrow (feeling a little anxious)

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Hello everyone, following my last thread a few weeks ago, we are back from holiday and my boyfriend of 3 years and I start our living together month tomorrow. A bit of background is that we are nearly 40, I devorced with 2 dc's youngest is nearly 10. He has never married before nor has Dc's.we spend 4-5 nights together but he has been reluctant to move in fully.

After a heart to heart in April in which he explained his fear of ruining the bast relationship he has ever had ( he thinks couples loose their individuality and stop making an effort when they live together) we decided we would do a trial for a month because after 3 years, I felt we can move to the next stage.

I suggested we bought a new be together which arrived today, he asked if he could have a bachelor day today, so he is spending tonight at his, the first weekend alone for nearly 3 years. I am excited but also fear how I would respond if after the trial he decided to move back to his. Hand holding please, some experiences of similar would be appreciated.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Bachelor day?????

Please, do yourself a favour and accept that this guy is not fully on board. He shouldn't need a trial either.

He's either on, or he's out.

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Good point, maybe I will start a thread on where to find committed men! Watch the space

[Ragwort]

But you haven't said why it is so important to you that your DP lives with you and your children - he clearly does sound committed to you, you admit that you have a great relationship. What exactly is it that makes you want to live with him?

Genuine question, not trying to be sarky, but do you feel he isn't 100% committed because he doesn't actually live in the same house?

As I said before, I have been married over 25 years but I honestly think DH and I would have a far happier lrelationship if we didn't actually live together and have to deal with all the routine 'tedium' of running a house together. .

[TapWellies]

I have a friend who has had several marriages and numerous relationships but finally met the right man in her forties. They have been together for 18 years and they still have their own homes, it just works for them.

One size really doesn't fit all.

[ladyblablah]

I love my bf very much but really don't want to live with him.

Why all this all or nothing thing? What does that actually mean?

[Greengrow]

I am divorced with children and find it easier living apart when I have a boyfriend whether he has children or not. At my age and stage I am not sure I would want to bring a man into the house live. I don't children necessarily benefit from it (and it protects my income and assets if he's kept at a bit of a distance too particularly if there is no marriage).

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

I suppose it's just cultural for most if us, happy relationship equals church/ living together, as a devorcee I should know its easy to say I do, it's more difficult being consistently patient and loving. He has arrived with a handful of clothes to top up what he already has here, I tried to bring up the subject .. I was going to say if he really does not want to live here it's fine but I could not go that far, he just cuddled me on the sofa.


When I asked why he did not bring a lot more stuff he said he will bring stuff gradually. I said to hi. I have been anxious about the trial, he said just relax, let's enjoy it and see how it goes.

[Fairenuff]

I don't think it's really a trial when you know you have another home to go to whenever you want. It's nice 'n' all but not very realistic.

[Greengrow]

Just see how it goes. If someone is very in love with a woman he usually wants to move in unless he's 50, never married, likes his own space. Usually they want a woman around to clean up and cook for them and to show off to their friends about as well as getting more sex.

I don't think it matters too much though - if it works well and he wants to move in between you you will save a lot of money as not keeping two places although make him sign a cohabitation agreement so it is clear who pays for what and who owns what. If it does not work you can still go back to being together but living apart and that will also protect the chidlren who won't bond so much with someone who doesn't live with them and not be so hurt if it ever breaks up.

[Stupidhead]

I don't think a month is long enough for a trial, it's just an extended holiday. I'd worry about the fact he has only brought a few more clothes with him, which IMO, makes me think he's always keeping his bolt hole Batchelor pad as an escape.

I think from your previous thread that it was your friends opinions on your relationship which pushed this decision? If it was making both of you happy before why change?

But anyway, I hope you enjoy this month and it works out

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Day two, a few more clothes arrived. Not mentioned my thought yet. Will keep you posted.

[KoalaKoo]

You will have to see how it goes, but as you can already see, a trial isnt the same as the real thing. The actual problem is that it might be delicate or tricky not to hurt feelings if you want to suggest later that its not such a good idea (which it possibly isnt).

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Update, trial supposed to end this weekend, it has been great, the only difference being that he is leaving his sweaty sports kit on the floor by the washing machine. I am taking my daughter to Uni this weekend, he thinks he shoukd not come to allow us to bond over the experience, my daughter wants him to come. It's my birthday next weekend so maybe he wants to go shopping, he always gets me something nice. He has a sports trip in mid October. We have not yet discussed how it has gone. Should I be the one to bring it up or let him take the lead. He seems really happy and so do my children and I.

[MushroomSoup]

Glad it's gone well!
I'm not sure what you're asking in your last post, though...

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Oh, I meant to ask if I should bring up the discussion of what next, or leave him to bring it up

[MushroomSoup]

Haven't you been talking about how well it's been going or how difficult it's been all the way through?
Does it matter who brings it up? You're a partnership.
Tell him how you feel!

[Vivacia]

It sounds as though you want to talk about so in that case talk about it.

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Thank you mushroom and Viavacia, I brought it up and asked him how he things it went, he said its been a week over the trial period so the trial has ended. I told I think it has gone well and he said yes it has but he misses his free night.

From this I concluded he will be moving out, but he is still here, I went away on the weekend to take my daughter to Uni and stayed overnight. He did not go to his, he stayed here. He has had parts of the new bike he is building delivered here and seems to have adopted my second living room as a bike garage. He is his usual loving self and keeping up with his sports.

He is so lovely but so difficult to have emotional discussions with. He cuddles, cooks and kisses more than he talks about feelings. Frustrating

[Finola1step]

So the ball is firmly in his court. Just where he likes it?

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Thank you for your comment, I suppose it is, I just don't want to keep bringing up these discussions. I suppose I would like him to initiate the next conversation. That's if there is one to be hard. He is quite clear the trial ended a week ago.he is still here. Maybe he thinks I read minds.