husband threat of refusing to pay school fees

[conway]

I have posted many times about wanting to leave my husband. After another year and couple counselling I feel I am Ready.
I have booked to see a solicitor tomorrow.When I told my husband he told me that I would ruin the children's lives as they wouldn't be able to stay in their private schools.
We have seperate bank accounts so I don't know how much money he has stashed away. He earns 5x my salary and our mortgage is paid off, so I don't think he is that badly off.
Do you think he can and will do this?
Is there anyone out that you thinks it is okto do this?
This is precisley why it has taken me so long to get to this point as I am so concerned about my boy's welfare, Age 13 and 8.
I actually thing that their welfare is more important than mine.
The reason that I want to leave is his possible cheating( no proof), his drinking, no love on either side and his controlling and bullying behaviour.

Sorry to hear your situation but congrats for making a decision.

My husband made threats about money etc but in my gut I knew he would cough up something for ds. Reality is that he contributes less than 10% of his gross income - earns a lot - but the point I'm trying to make is, do you think your DH is ultimately a 'decent' (maybe not loving / caring) man? And does he value education etc? If yes, then is stand firm and I would imagine he'd pay even if he tries to scare you by omitting a month or something.

He sounds like an angry man, let him calm down & see that continuing to pay for his ds education is the right thing to do.

I would also Go and spk to the head to explain situation.

Is the school fees contract in both your names?

Conway you sound like a great mum. I also feel my dc welfare is more important than mine. Although husband (ex?) is a decent enough man, he does not think this at all. Different view completely.

He's using something you regard as important in order to emotionally blackmail you into backing down. It doesn't sound morally commendable to me. However, in the event of a divorce, a fair financial settlement and setting up two households may mean that private schooling is no longer affordable. If he's an arsehole that would stitch you up even if to the detriment of hi own DCs, that's also a possibility. If you don't have a good handle on the finances, you need a solicitor who will get that information. Is he a salaried employee, self-employed, income from dividends?

The best way to approach this is to call his bluff. Rationalise it that there are some excellent state schools available and your DCs' education won't necessarily suffer. Don't give in to the emotional blackmail and it loses all power.

You could potentially force a financial settlement as part of the divorce.
The judge will make orders regarding the division of your assets - it is possible to have an order stating that xh must pay school fees.
Your h is talking shite, and trying to scare you I suspect.

I think...see the sol. And explain, see what can be arranged once the divorce starts.

And also look at, I think it's called The Charities handbook, copies used to be held at libraries, prolly still are. And some schools themselves can give bursaries. So, sol.first, then some pro-active searching around?

In the end, even if he goes through with it and they have to change schools, wouldn't it be better for your boys to be with a happy healthy mum who is not in a horrible relationship with a controlling bully? There are lots of important things your children get from you, not just school fees, one of which is a lesson on how to treat women, how to be in a relationship etc.

Definitely take legal advice asap - sounds like a threat but who knows. Also depending on what he does, could be easy for him to hide his 'true' salary.

But, I've known a fair few people get divorced and the ex has continued to pay school fees but only in full for a specified time, then the other partner had to start paying 50%.

I would think you'd be unlikely to get a bursary though if your ex is earning £££.

2nd calling his bluff!

"Actually I've thought about the school fees DH, and I've started to think that I might prefer them to go to x state school anyway, a friend told me it's improved massively since I last looked at it."

I agree he's likely to be using it to bully you.

Cogito - why does it make a difference whether his income is dividends, salary etc?

Most people who take dividends take a very low salary which would make getting appropriate maintenance harder I suspect.

Is he a good father? if he is then it is just a threat. I am sure he would not want to ruin his relationship with his children. They would not be happy to know they have to leave their school because daddy trying to spite their mother.

The type of income is significant because judgements are often made on the taxable (demonstrable) income of the NRP. If someone is self-employed, let's say, then they will normally try to reduce the amount of tax they pay by making their declared earnings as low as possible and their payment 'in kind' (car, phone, bills, etc) as high as possible. Company directors can receive a big chunk of their income from shares and dividends which attract their own rules. If earnings are straight PAYE they're less easy to fudge.

So they have to change schools? Isn't that better than living with two miserable, battling parents and a controlling, bullying father?

We shouldn't dismiss how important the schools are to the OP. I think that's the point. He's taking the one thing that she fears most - risking the DSs' education - and is deliberately threatening that position & using it as leverage. He's described as a controlling bully so that's entirely consistent.

The OP therefore has to think the unthinkable in order to get across the threshold of a solicitor's door. It's a psychological thing.

Yes, I'd be pretty stressed at the thought of my children having to leave their schools too.

Good luck OP!

Hi - I'm new on here but my children had to change from private to state education this time last year. In all honesty, it's been a very smooth change. Luckily the local (catchment) primary had spaces (it was a very last minute move at the start of term and the kids were told one day and started at the new school the next). They have had a fantastic year. I managed to get C1 into the very good secondary school for this year and I am really happy. It was incredibly hard at the time and I cried a lot but children adapt much better than we do and tbh after 2 days they were getting out of the car and running into school! It's not easy, but if it means that your ex has one less thing to hold against you then imho it's worth it. If you are keen for them to continue as they are then talk to the Head - often private schools are keen to keen pupils and will offer reduced fees. Big hugs x

I know somebody this happened to and her exH carried through with the threat. The boys got into well regarded comprehensive schools, settled quickly and are extremely happy (and doing very well academically!)

Don't let him use this as a tool to control you further. What is the worst that can happen if he refuses to pay out for school fees?

Oh and I've no idea how old your DC's are but mine were bribed with being able to choose their own school bags/ being able to have packed lunches etc ....

It sounds as if your marriage is well and truly over. He just doesn't want you calling the shots. If he is threatening this now then chances are even if you stay he will threaten it later when he decides to call it a day so staying won't buy your kids any security.
I have never snooped through any of my DH's affairs but your DH sounds like a piece of work so If I were you I would everything to try and find out what he has in his bank account/s and make copies/take screen shots.

Thanks for all the help. He has the day off work today so we may go on a family bike ride. Both trying to act normally for the kids sake.( have done that for years so nothing new)There is a possibility that I may not make it back in time for the apointment.
Perphaps I should put it off until the kids are back at school.

I would try and sort it now tbh - far easier to move schools at the beginning of the year than the middle. Also, if you are thinking that this is a serious option (moving them) then phone some of the schools that you are thinking of moving them to and see what places are available. I think it would have been much harder on my kids if they'd been back at their old school and then had to move rather than moving after the holidays.

Please don't backtrack on the solicitor appointment. It's taken you quite some courage to make it in the first place and you need information in order to offset some of the fear that he is planting in your head. That's all you're getting tomorrow.... information.

There is no benefit at all to going on a bike ride while your life is falling down around your ears. Go to the solicitors and sort out the future. If the children need to change schools you need time to investigate the alternatives.

You have about a week to get written notice to the school if you (might) need the DC to leave at Christmas without incurring further bills.

I suggest you draft this letter, and email it to him stating you are taking him at his word. Ask him, as the one forcing them out of their current school, to secure state school places for them. Point out that this is one of the worst possible educational times for your 13 yo, but the earlier in year 9 a move takes place, the lower the impact on his GCSEs and life choices. Also, when will he be ready to explain (with you) to the DC why the school move (and all the friendship and other disruption) could not be avoided.

In the nicest possible way don't leave it to him so sort out other school places - if it's going to happen, get right on in there yourself and sort it, then at least you will know what's happening....