husband threat of refusing to pay school fees

[conway]

I have posted many times about wanting to leave my husband. After another year and couple counselling I feel I am Ready.
I have booked to see a solicitor tomorrow.When I told my husband he told me that I would ruin the children's lives as they wouldn't be able to stay in their private schools.
We have seperate bank accounts so I don't know how much money he has stashed away. He earns 5x my salary and our mortgage is paid off, so I don't think he is that badly off.
Do you think he can and will do this?
Is there anyone out that you thinks it is okto do this?
This is precisley why it has taken me so long to get to this point as I am so concerned about my boy's welfare, Age 13 and 8.
I actually thing that their welfare is more important than mine.
The reason that I want to leave is his possible cheating( no proof), his drinking, no love on either side and his controlling and bullying behaviour.

also ~(sorry) inform their current school of the situation - they may be more willing to help than you think

I suggested telling him to sort out new school places to show him the consequences of his threat.

Yes, he'll almost certainly fail to rise to the requirement but no reason whatsoever to make it the default pattern at the outset that he is not expected to do anything.

Sorry AS - misread - yes agree - (but I'd still sort myself iykwim)

No, ilikewineandrugby (a brilliant name, btw) you didn't misread; it was me who didn't say quite what I meant.

I think that is because I'm thinking on two levels wit out explaining that's what was going on. One level is what to say to him now which a) might head off the school fees threat by getting him to think about what it means administratively and emotionally for the DC plus the far reaching consequences and b) sets the tone that he is still a parent and remains responsible for DC's well being which means thinking of and doing stuff.

The other level is the harder one - really being ready to do all that stuff on your own so you know it has been done, done properly, and is the best option of those remaining to you. As STBX is acting up, you simply cannot rely on anything from him right now, and it is indeed too important to leave the creation of plan B to him. But it is an opportunity for him to show what sort of parent he intends to be in the new circumstances.

It would be worth setting up a new email account you use for family admin, then you can keep track of all exchanges between the two of you as new arrangements bed in.

Will you sell the house and split costs or will the school fees be needed to run a second household?

The OP has no idea about anything financial at the moment. They don't know what he earns, what he has in the bank or what they'd be entitled to in the event of a divorce. It's this vacuum of information that is causing the fear and prevarication when they started the day feeling relatively positive. Few people manage to get all the way through the divorce process without life changing in some respect. May involve a house getting sold or a lower income or changing location or DCs having to go to a different school or whatever, but it's always a balance of self-respect, self-esteem, getting on with life and being independent .... or maintaining the status quo and sacrificing all the above in the process.

Ouch. For one, you would both have signed the school contract and it does say on them that you are both liable. So I don't think he can get out so quickly. However, if he is prepared to use children as ammo, it won't stop there. Get a damn good solicitor, fast. Just because you don't have joint accounts doesn't mean you don't have joint liability for everything - including outstanding debts he may have run up.

If he doesn't give a damn about his children and chooses to use your breakup to screw them over too, then you have to protect them as fast as you can. Photocopy everything, statements, wills, bills. Change your own will fast to remove him as next of kin/beneficiary!

But if you can get bursaries, you might be able to keep them there. Talk to the Bursar, who will probably be back at school by now getting ready for term.

Finances can be a nightmare years after the actual divorce...

Went on the bike ride as wanted to make things good for the boys.We had a nice family day so ended up thinking things were not so bad. ( this is the pattern).I then cancelled the apointment but hope to get another one when the kids go back to school.
Feel like a failure as can never quite do it. i would have gone if he hadn't had a last minute day off. Didn't want a bad atmosphere over the bank holiday weekend.
How to get the courage of should I just be in a miserable marriage.

If you wait until term starts without giving notice, then you (jointly, I assume) are committed to paying until next Easter.

Can you afford a term in lieu of notice if he kicks up rough? When is the latest your 13yo can change school and still have a full run up to GCSE?

One of the things that keeps so many in a bad marriage is the fear how we are going to cope in the future.

His thread to not pay the school fees in order to keep you in your place (e.g. the marital home) is appalling, quite frankly.

Divorce is about splitting the assets and the child care in an appropriate manner. It is not about who is the shittier spouse and why.

Him continuing to pay the school fees will come down to a) what you negotiate and b) whether he can afford to following the split. He may have no option about that as the changes to the children's lives must be minimised insofar as it's possible. The kid's welfare comes first, second and third in divorce. Then his needs, then your needs, and finally :your/his wants/wants a distant last.

You don't say how old you both are, or the length of your marriage (including period of co-habitation pre-marriage). But all these things have a huge bearing on the settlement in your divorce.

It's worth you going and have a chat with a solicitor to get an idea of what your life would be like post-divorce - everyone's divorce is different so don't imagine just because your neighbour's Aunt Sally got left with nothing, but Uncle Bob was taken to the cleaners, means that's the fact.

Making an appointment to help you decide to stay or go, is not the same as filing for divorce.

*thread = threat!

Is there any chance at all of you getting away on your own for a night or two?

You seem (understandably) confused about what to do for the best at the moment. A little quiet thinking time, away from DH, the DCs and your own home might help put things into perspective for you.

Although, from what you have already said, I think you do know deep down that the marriage is over.

I am a firm believer that two happy separated parents are better for DCs than two miserable parents living together 'for the sake of the children'. As far as the school fees go, unless you are in a scenario where you alone chose the current schools & your DH wanted them to go to state schools all along, I would think him pretty likely to continue paying the fees despite his threats otherwise.

i would have gone if he hadn't had a last minute day off

He knew, didn't he? Maybe not exactly what, but that you had reached end of tether time again. Time to reel you in. Worked, didn't it? He may be all sorts of unpleasant things but stupid he isn't.

Going to see a solicitor does not commit you to a particular course of action, and definitely not to a timetable.

It might be worth doing your fact-finding about options now. Then you can make well-informed decisions when you need to.

That last minute day off was completely calculated, you know that right ?

So, it's clear he can be nice when he wants to be. It's a measure of his lack of respect for you that he can turn it on and off so effectively.

You are sabotaging yourself, my love. Do you still want to be in this situation a year from now ? If not, you are going to have to act not get sidetracked by Bank Holidays etc. Pretty soon you "won't want to spoil" Christmas, a birthday, a holiday blah blah blah

I've seen reasonable people do unreasonable things during divorce. Your husband sounds unreasonable so I'm sure he's capable of stopping paying fees if that's what he wants to do. Have seen it happen at our school many times and our particular headmaster takes quite a hard line with fee payment.

Your lifestyle will change once you divorce - but on the positive side you are in a better position than some. You earn your own money and have a share in a house that is mortgage free. Be prepared for it to take a long time to reach financial settlement esp if he runs his own company. A friend of mine is 5 years and counting.

So take back control - yes go for a fair settlement, but stop begging him to be reasonable. It gives him power over you. Go see the solicitor to get the wheels in motion if that's what you want to do.

Alternatively you can continue with the status quo in a lovely house, and children in private school, playing happy families and dying a little more inside each day.

Good luck

Cancelled the apointment at the solicitor as didn't want to spoil a nice family day,which turned out ok.
He is out now drinking with his friends and I wish I could go ahead with the divorce. I don't know what is wrong with me why I can't proceed. I feel that I am not strong enough. I think it is because the children's needs are more important than mine.
I don't want to end up like mum and dad who are still together but hate each other.
Please help me to do the right thing

There's nothing "wrong" with you! You've been attached to a controlling man. Their tactics are to get you precisely where they want you, but for you to not have confidence in which way is up. It's all part of the programme.

For the moment I reckon you should have a really hard think about garnering all of the information you can get your hands on with regard to the finances. What money is earned and by what method. Where it is, confirmed by statements etcetera. Get them out of the house and stored somewhere safe out of his reach. Meanwhile put your acting face on and let him believe that you've not made up your mind about leaving the marriage.

Doing something concrete might give you the confidence you that need to act later. it's all about practice. This is something you can do if you want it.

Erm, how can we do it for you ?

It's down to you, sorry love. But that is the bottom line. I don't recommend you threaten anything you are not prepared to follow through if you H decides, on a whim, to play the Good Guy for a few hours.

I don't even think you should promise it to yourself unless you are 100% ready to proceed. Because every time you fail to follow through, your self respect gets picked apart even more. And that will keep you there longer.

"the right thing" is self-defined, I'm afraid. It means you accepting what's in your best interests in the short, medium and long term.

No one wishes divorce on children, but then, no one wishes bad marriages on children either. Both can be incredibly damaging, but that damage can be minimised and in many cases in the long term, post-divorce the children end up much better off because happiness ensues.

A happy home is what children need. No one said it needed two parents in it.

His threat about the taking the children out of school worked - they are your Achilles heal (understandably!). It hasn't fixed your marriage though.

You don't need to leave today, but you do need to explore it as an option if you feel this way. I urge you to consult a solicitor to understand your rights and your financial entitlements post divorce. Knowing what that could be like, will help you reach a decision to stay or go.

Going to a solicitor is not the same as filing for divorce. The first is a fact-finding mission, the second is an act committing you to a different future.

And should be undertaken if the marriage is bad.

The education two boys get from watching a woman, their mother, demonstrate power and choice in their own life to self respect and determination?
Priceless.

I wish you well and know that you can do it.

If you don't research your options and insist on the changes you need, he could use this school fees threat against for years (maybe a decade).

That's an awful lot of your life to be unhappy. And pretty shit for your DC too.

I think you need to take a friend or family member into your confidence OP - and I'm assuming that you haven't done it already. Telling someone real (rather than MN) will make it more of a commitment, and then it's less easy to back down.

Children need a happy home. They are learning a lesson in relationships at home, and I believe that is more important than academic education. (Believe me I value education greatly).

If your children end up in a similar relationship then they may not be happy/supported or confident enough to make the most of their good education. They may worry about mum and delay leaving home, choose a local uni (I know people who have done this). They won't tell you though!

What worries you about a good state school? What is the worst that could happen?

He knew you were upto something. Either distancing or the actual appointment. Hence a lovely family bike ride. Then office hours over, stuck for three days, ahhh pub with friends, nothing you can do.

Keep a diary op. Maybe in a secret email account. Write stuff down and reread.

It's a big step so it's understandable that you're scared to make it. You need to get angry. Angry that your DH is such a cock that he would threaten to pull his kids out of school in order to control you. Angry that despite the fact you're married you have no idea how much money HE has. Angry that he drinks too much. Good men don't do these sort of things.

You sound beaten down and resigned to being unhappy. Something will make you snap I do hope it's sooner rather than later for your sake.

If he is hiding money. What's it for? So he can swan off into the sunset once you've brought up his kids after years of misery. A nest egg in case he gets another woman? Fnd out how much he has - including any pension statements-and then you can make an informed decision.