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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel....

27 replies

Onlyone40 · 09/08/2014 16:15

If your partner of 4 years who you had fallen head over heals in love with still text his ex wife on their wedding anniversary date to discuss the sad and happy times? How would you feel if he openly told you each time like all I am is a best mate to him? He says he loves me but I'm just not sure if he does

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 16:16

Why did he actually separate from his wife?

Original poster
Onlyone40 · 09/08/2014 16:26

They grew apart, he had a brief affair and decided if they didn't separate that someone was going to get emotionally hurt, 50/50 split he says

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyone40 · 09/08/2014 18:48

I didn't have the affair with him if that's what people are thinking, could never do that to anyone. Really need to know what people think please?

OP posts:
CarryOnDancing · 09/08/2014 18:54

I find it odd to still need that emotional tie to her. I know some people stay friends and move on but that seems a little excessive to me.

What are they actually saying?

I doubt that it was a 50/50 split. That's like saying that the affair didn't have any impact and I think he's just saying that to downplay it to you.

I think the things that they are saying are key to how I'd feel but overall I would find it unnecessary.

Have you asked him to stop?

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/08/2014 19:21

Guilt, he cheated and won't cut ties with her.

Your not his soul mate your ok for now I imagine, but there's no passion for you like for her and he's playing games keeping her on her toes, it's unfinished business.

I wouldn't play second fiddle to anyone

Original poster
Onlyone40 · 09/08/2014 22:24

Stupidly just thought it would go away, thought I was the odd one for not accepting his past, they have a good friendship, kids together etc. Do wonder what now, dreading it but going to have to talk to him. I don't want to be second best to anything on his past. I could cry.

OP posts:
heyday · 10/08/2014 03:58

Perhaps he does still have some emotional attachment to his ex... They obviously have a lot of history together. But it is YOU that he is with, not her. Perhaps he does not see that he is doing anything wrong by communicating with her and therefore can't appreciate where you are coming from on this.
Perhaps his ex us happy to communicate with him but is also very glad that he is no longer her partner.
It's right and obvious that they will continue to communicate still as they have children together but texting her on their wedding anniversary is decidedly creepy. I guess you need to talk to him and see if he can give you some much needed clarity and reassurance. However, he has said that he loves you and we all have to basically believe that people are telling us the truth. Perhaps you need to look at your own self esteem and see if you can bolster it for yourself. Tell yourself that yes, he does love you and wants to be with you but he is just being incredibly insensitive on this issue. Hopefully with some non confrontational communication he will see your point of view although he might find it difficult now to break the tie of texting his ex on their anniversary. I do hope you can resolve this and you can feel better about yourself.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2014 07:19

Ok I am going against the grain here.

I have been separated from my exH for 7 years. We remain good friends and co parent. We sometimes(not always) text on our anniversary. We sometimes talk about good times together. In fact he text me only yesterday to tell me he'd sold an old car we used to have and tell me he was sad and what a lot of memories it held.

I can 100% assure you that this does not mean I don't love my dp. I do. I adore him. But that doesn't mean that every moment I spent before I met him was unhappy. And I don't ever pretend that that's the case. Why should I? That would be a lie. I also don't hide the fact that me and exH occasionally text / talk. Why should I? That would be underhand or implying it was something to hide. It's not.

I think you need to calm right down.

Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 07:28

Erm no I disagree with the pp who said calm right down. Under zero circumstances would I accept any dp of mine texting a ex on their old anniversary to discuss old times.

Bollocks to that! I would actually dump him until he can let go of the past.

The previous poster could actually be his wife!

heyday · 10/08/2014 07:36

Nice to hear your slant bitoutofpractice, and glad that you separated so amicably. This is a very nice set up for yourself and your ex which obviously works well for you both. However, somebody who is obviously insecure and unsure of partners love, as is the OP, is not dealing well with the current situation and is feeling threatened and she is very entitled to those natural feelings. Telling her to calm right down seemed a little patronising.
The real problem she has is not infact the texts but that she really does not feel that he loves her and because of that she feels very vulnerable and insecure and that is a much deeper problem than just that of the texts to ex wife.

doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 07:58

Perhaps ask DH why he and his first wife grew apart? Maybe he was txting old gfriends?

If it is only txting once a year on his anniversary then it's ok. If it's regularly then that seems unfair.

Perhaps your ex doesn't tell his new DP, if he has one, Bitoutofpractice, that you reminisce fondly regularly. I don't see that just because your DP is happy with it you can expect everyone's DP to feel that way. I would be miffed if for example DH came to bed sighing and telling me about the fab romantic weekend he'd once had with his ex.

YvyB · 10/08/2014 08:28

Umm, am I being a bit thick here? I thought you didn't have any more anniversaries once you are divorced? I certainly dont consider the date I married my exh to be an anniversay of any sort!

I would probably pass out with shock if my exh texted me because of that. Then, once I'd regained consciousness I would refer him to the decree absolute and send him politely on his way.

Apologies if that wasn't helpful, op, but yes, I would find it very weird indeed. I understand why it unsettles you.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2014 08:29

Sorry. I didn't mean to be patronising. I often say that because most decisions are better made if there is calmness rather than panic!

Quitelikely gosh you obviously feel differently to me. But that doesn't make my opinion "bollocks". It just makes it different to yours. The op asked how I would feel. I've told her.

Dozie where did I say I fondly reminisce regularly with my partner about my ex?. Take yesterday's Example about ex's car. I said to dp. "Oh ex just texted to say he's sold the car. He's a bit sad to let it go - he's had it a long time and it's got a lot of memories." Change of subject. No big deal. Crikey!

As it happens we are away with all of our dc. My dp came here a few years back with his ex. He said "oh I recognise this street. We had a lovely Italian meal just along here". I didn't have a strop and accuse him of not letting go of his past. I thought "oh that's nice, maybe we could take the kids there later".

Ex partners ARE a part of your life if you have kids together and co parent. I accept that from my dp. He accepts it from me. There are no secrets or hidden agendas. Just that's how it is.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2014 08:32

And thanks for putting me straight about the op heyday.

It really is unacceptable to have a different opinion isn't it?

Yes I agree that the op is generally insecure and that is the problem. I merely answered the question in the op with my own experience. To show the op that occasionally texting the ex is not always an indication of fundamental problems.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 10/08/2014 08:39

Ok well we know he is a cheater, not with you maybe but he's got it in him. He's said this weird thing about a 50-50 amicable split (after his affair? A bit unlikely don't you think?) He's playing you off against the ex, making you feel insecure in the relationship; and he's not taking on board your feelings about the situation, instead he's just carrying on regardless. I don't think you should calm down at all!

What's the rest of the relationship like, OP?

doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 08:39

The OP said that her DP tells her about his txting with ex and presumably when they txt about happy times they are fond thoughts.

Hence the fondly reminiscing comment. But Bitoutofpractice you sound as if it is just making a passing comment and matter of fact.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 10/08/2014 08:41

I'm with BoP on this one.

We don't live life in sanitised chunks - you get married on x date, at the time is was a very important thing that happened. If you are still on friendly terms with your ex wife/husband there isn't anything wrong with recognising that.

They swapped texts, it's not like they went away for the weekend.

However, if it's a problem in your current relationship, then it is and it needs dealing with, but the problem as I see it, isn't the texts - it's the insecurity within your relationship and you need to look at why that's there.

louby44 · 10/08/2014 08:43

Bit OutofPractice I actually agree with you! I've been divorced from my exH for 8 years, we have 2 DS together. We have a great relationship now, text each other stuff about the kids or I might ask him something technical about my computer or something.

He found loads of old pics a few months ago and emailed me a few of them. He has a new partner, I split from my partner last year.

He was part of my life for a long time. I don't love him anymore but consider him a close friend.

My exP was also very insecure and didn't like the odd text I got from my exH. but there has never been anything in it

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2014 09:47

Exactly! The partner texting isn't. necessarily a problem. It is the OP's feelings about them. And it might just be that it's her feelings that need working on, not the texts.

FWIW I did say that my exH and I will sometimes text in our anniversary. But then again I am just as likely to say "oh! It's my wedding anniversary" to my mom. Or dp. It's just a fact. A date.

doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 10:11

It is the OP's feelings about them

Yes, true, but he is telling her about the txts it's the way this is done which is annoying her it think.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2014 10:14

So it would be better if he kept them secret for her to find out later? I don't think so!

Fwiw I've just asked my dp if my "relationship" with my exH bothers him. He said no, he finds it reassuring that I am able to have an amicable grown up relationship with him. He knows I live him. But recognises that I once loved my exH. As he did his exW (whom he is in daily communication with!)

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2014 10:15

He knows I LOVE him (ie my dp now!) not that I live him! Smile

chaseface · 10/08/2014 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/08/2014 12:33

If my ex texted me on our anniversary mulling over good and bad times, I would find that extremely strange verging on disturbing. I'd be suspicious that he was stringing me along in case things didn't work out with the current girlfriend. I'd also be worried that he was stuck in the past, feeling guilty or that he had an inflated idea of his place in my new life.

The man in the story sounds to me as though he simply hasn't moved on. If it was a happy birthday text I'd be more charitable because birthdays are fairly public. Happy anniversary is a very personal/intimate thing and he's making it more so. Maybe he thinks he's doing a nice thing for the exW and maybe he thinks he's doing the right thing towards the new g/f by being open about it .... ?? Either way OP, think you should tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that it should stop.

Original poster
Onlyone40 · 10/08/2014 18:14

Thanks everyone for your comments, much appreciated. More confused than every but good to get all views so thank you. They get on very well, text re children, birthdays, don't have bad words to say about each other etc. They grew apart, lived separate lives etc and decided divorce was the best for both of them. There ex anniversary is a date that he should quietly remember not broadcast. I don't understand why he needs to share it with me, I am not jealous, I don't have any insecurities, I just don't think it's the right thing to be doing and needs to stop. I'm not trying to wipe away their past, that would be totally wrong of me just do question whether he has moved on emotionally enough to be in a long term relationship with me or if I am wasting my time. It's always a really awkward, uncomfortable day, he looks and seems really sad and if I am honest just wish I could disappear for the whole day, it's all very odd

OP posts: