Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Enforced celibacy

45 replies

Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 00:39

Partially inspired by another thread. Been with DH for 10 years but due to a debilitating disease (MS) we've not been intimate for the past 8 years and will never be able to DTD again.
His diagnosis came after DD was born (when she was 3 months old - 18m into marriage). Love my DH but every now and then just think ...never again???? I'm 39 (old to many on here) but celibate since 31 :(

Not sure what Im asking you for apart from a hug.

OP posts:
catinbootz · 31/07/2014 00:43

(((((Hug))))))

Have you talked with DH about how you feel?

Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 00:49

Thank-you catinbootz Not really talked to him as he feels duff as it is. I feel like... sometimes I just wonder about the average man and what he'd be like in bed and how lucky his wife is that she has that to go home to every night.

OP posts:
catinbootz · 31/07/2014 00:55

I don't want to sound crass - but can he pleasure you in other ways?

Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 01:02

Technically, yes. But he doesn't any more as it can't be reciprocated due to physical impossibility. I feel guilty and can't enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 01:05

What is the point? I feel like I'm living in some kind of suspended animation, pretending everything is normal but that's far from true.

OP posts:
catinbootz · 31/07/2014 01:18

Physical intimacy is (IMHO) very important.

Do you feel like you can live like this forever?

pursuinghappiness · 31/07/2014 01:24

I am assumming he cannot get or maintain an erection and am sure you've investigated the options but has he spoken to a Urologist about a penile implant?

This is an American site but they are available on the NHS: www.urologicalcare.com/advanced-ed-treatments/internal-penile-pump/

I am sure you do love your DH but not having sex must be a hard part of his condition to come to terms with. Other than suggesting the implant as a possible solution, could you speak to somebody at the MS Trust or Society to find out how other couple deal with this aspect of the disease?

Feel very sad for you (((hugs)))

Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 01:27

Not by choice. I do so wish it wasn't the case, but what else can I do. MY friend was (at first) angry on my behalf, telling me it wasn't what I signed up for and kind of encouraging me to leave.
I didn't because of DD and probe still won't because of DS, but OMG every so often I just really feel my hormones are going haywire and should just like to have some really good sex. Then I feel really bad because it's not his fault he can't have sex.

Argh. The rest of my life sometimes feels like shit. Need to put it into perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 01:38

pursuinghappiness exactly that.

Not seen the penile implant - I'll have a look, thanks. He has the sildenafil (viagra) prescription but even though it works (i.e. as its intended wrt erection) my DH doesn't have the strength in his legs to maintain any kind of position.

OP posts:
catinbootz · 31/07/2014 01:46

Have you spoken to your GP?
There might be some sort of counselling or therapy available. You can't be the first to encounter this problem?

grumpasaur · 31/07/2014 08:56

Could he not lay down whilst you ride him?

Pinkfrocks · 31/07/2014 09:04

Have you heard of the Tenring?
It was developed by a man- Rob, shown on the Home page - who had been paralysed after a road accident. Sadly he has since died, but the product is still - I believe- available in Boots. I'll try to find a link.

www.my-tenring.com/

kentishgirl · 31/07/2014 09:19

So why don't you go on top? Or him behind while you are both laying on your sides spooning? And all sorts of variations? there's loads of positions that won't need him to use his legs.

Don't give up so easily, either of you. Google Nick Vujicic - this man has no arms or legs and has a full and fab life (including having a child).

HumblePieMonster · 31/07/2014 09:22

hugs from me.

juliascurr · 31/07/2014 09:28

www.mssociety.org.uk/what-is-ms/signs-and-symptoms/sexual-problems/men

you may have already seen this?
I have MS; sexual function unaffected (unlike virtually everything else) but can imagine the frustration
you need to talk about it and try all possible treatment options before giving up on the relationship
good luck

SolidGoldBrass · 31/07/2014 09:35

Is he willing to talk about the issue and see what can be done to make things better? Or is his attitude that you should shut up and accept the situation? As PPs have said, there are various things that you and your H could do together, but if he has no interest in doing them then all the research and counselling in the world is not going to make it happen. Was your sex life wonderful before he became ill? Was the relationship wonderful, or was it always a bit meh, yet you feel you can't leave because he's so ill?

While MS is a horrible illness to have, being ill doesn't automatically make a person morally superior, and it's possible that he is being selfish because he always did consider his needs and feelings more important than yours.

Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 31/07/2014 12:16

Thanks for the hugs and support. I sometimes feel that with all the symptoms he suffers, it would be unfair of me to grumble or put pressure on him on top of his own battles.

We did try lots of positions at first (me on top etc.) but he said it still hurt his legs. We do need to try again as our relationship has really changed to the point we don't even cuddle or kiss any more - its like that side of it has completely shut down.

Pre-diagnosis we got on great and had a good sex life although I would say I probably initiated things more often than him. Maybe that was due to his symptoms which must have been present before the diagnosis.

We still get on well but I think in a lot of ways I am lonely. I have the husband in theory, but I have to do lots of physical work due to his fatigue (gardening, housework, outdoor activities with kids) that would normally be shared. That may sound trivial, but when its always you doing it it can feel a bit joyless sometimes. We can't even go for a stroll together. I don't resent him because its not his fault - I don't really know where to direct my frustration. :(

Thanks for those links, and I really appreciate your personal perspective juliascurr I hope I'm not being to whingy... just need to get some of this off my chest as it's been bottled up to long. Having a wee cry now but feel a bit of relief at finally voicing this!

OP posts:
juliascurr · 31/07/2014 19:41

no, you're not being whingey - our sex life is nonexistent and it drives me demented - it's not caused by MS, it's something else

NoEgowoman · 31/07/2014 21:18

Hope you're feeling better. Dealing with this problem sounds difficult but I wonder if like most problems a workaround can be found. Most sexual relationships need a bit of work. Most relationships need a bit of work. I wonder if in time you might find ways to not only get perspective on this but get the sexual relationship you want.

Meerka · 31/07/2014 21:20

nevertried does the MS society have any local branches where you can get support, or even talk over this problem?

Original poster
Nevertriedapickledegg · 01/08/2014 09:25

juliascurr sorry to hear that. (((hugs))) to you. Over the years it has had quite an effect on my self-esteem. Seems strange that, since I've taken on so much you'd think I'd feel super-capable but its the opposite. Do you want to talk? PM me if you want to let off some steam. x

I have looked at all the links posted and will try to work at this again. Feel a bit nervous/apprehensive, but definitely need to take action of some sort.

noegowoman My DH is not an "open up to strangers" kind of person and I think he'd be mortified if I did (she says while talking to strangers on the internet). I'm not sure if the MS society caters for families of sufferers - I've/we've certainly never been offered any counselling or practical help and any medical intervention has been focussed solely on DH. Even when I accompany him to hospital I'm told to wait in waiting room, so I feel very shut out. It would be me going by myself but its worth a try. I will call them today...

Thanks everyone for all your kind words.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2014 13:38

What an awful situation to be in. Why are you being shut out of hospital appointments, though? Who exactly tells you to wait outside?

Just out of interest, how do you think your husband would have responded if he were able-bodied and you were the one with MS?

Darkesteyes · 01/08/2014 13:43

Great points Imperial..

aprilanne · 01/08/2014 14:02

hello NEVER TRIED.i have been celibate for a year because my hubby has mental health problems and medication make all desire dissapear .i understand it is not easy .i bet your hubby feels terrible about situation .my hubby and i just cuddle even that contact is better than non .

to make things worse i am being investigated for MS. but just keeping lines of communication open is a great start .i just think of all the good things we have shared over the last twenty odd year .

juliascurr · 01/08/2014 17:22

thanks never yes it annihilates self esteem - also, it's one of the few positive physical things about my body, so it's a big loss