Enforced celibacy

[Nevertriedapickledegg]

Partially inspired by another thread. Been with DH for 10 years but due to a debilitating disease (MS) we've not been intimate for the past 8 years and will never be able to DTD again.
His diagnosis came after DD was born (when she was 3 months old - 18m into marriage). Love my DH but every now and then just think ...never again???? I'm 39 (old to many on here) but celibate since 31 :(

Not sure what Im asking you for apart from a hug.

[AthenaVHowerton]

I do not think that it is strange that you would want to have something like that – sex is an important role in a relationship. Fortunately I do believe that a number of suggestions here really should help, if you do hear anything else or something changes, let us know!

[peanutnutter]

Op I share your pain. Its been 10 years for me. DH is just so embarrassed, he has a medical issue and is unable to dtd. I have gently suggested other things we could do but he then feels worse because (I think) in his head sex is piv, and then its just a vicious circle. I completely relate to the self esteem comment, mine is on the floor - he tells me he loves me every day and gives me cuddles but its not quite the same as a bit of unbridled passion is it?. I am a lot younger than my dh and I sometimes want to scream at him, you have a woman 20 years younger than you that fancies the pants off you FFS most men would love that!! I have even reached the point where I can understand how people get sucked into affairs, not that I would, its him I want physically but my god its so frustrating. So no advice really just wanted to commiserate with you OP and let you know you are not alone.

[Darkesteyes]

Sorry I don't get why he cant pleasure you in other ways peanut. Wouldn't he expect you to do it if the situation was reversed?

[Darkesteyes]

peanut my situation is similar and is in the link here...

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/



I have got a handle on the comfort eating and have lost almost 3 stone since that was written.

[Nevertriedapickledegg]

Imperial its the medical staff who have done that to me. Now I just wait in the car. I was totally gobsmacked the first time and had to swallow back tears.
Peanut and darkest thank you so much for sharing your stories. It helps to realise I'm not alone.

I totally get your blogpost darkest in that my GP just said "yes, thats a common symptom. It can be helped with viagra." I think they underestimate how hard it is to even raise such a question, so when they reply with something that seems to be a solution I just accepted it rather than telling him yes, we've tried viagra but although it corrects the symptom, leg pain and fatigue means it doesn't actually improve anything.

I also feel guilt because my problem seems trivial compared to his - and he has no sex either of course! Argh!! Sorry, I'm going round in circles :(

juliascurr I really feel for you. Sounds tough.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm really shocked the medical staff have done that. Usually they're happy to have a partner or friend there because it's hard for the patient to take it all in at times. The partner/friend might also have questions to ask, because it affects them, too.

I'm so sorry for the situation you're both in.

[Darkesteyes]

Nevertried its not trivial at all. Its soul destroying and gets very lonely. Ive had nights when I lay in bed crying.
At one low point I even stood at a window in the local town hall trying to estimate how high it was.
That was six months ago. I suppose the fact im losing weight at the moment is something that makes me feel in control. Ive felt better recently and I know my own worth.



Now re. carers It is NOT good enough for the medical staff to treat you that way. When you are the one caring for him 24/7 Totally unacceptable. Several years ago a similar thing happened to me and I told my h I wasn't travelling to an appointment with him just to sit in the bloody waiting room. The way staff treat carers really boils my piss. Good enough to care for someone 24/7 then excluded and treated like an idiot when it comes to medical treatment. (I even had one have the bloody cheek to say it was nothing to do with me) So I said she could come out and deal with the next 3 am angina attack.

They soon got the message and DH did back me up in that instance.


If you are good enough to care for someone 24/7 then you are good enough to be involved in the medical stuff. Fuck sake!

[peanutnutter]

darkest your blog was so sad. I just don't want to put dh in a position where he feels worse about it than he already does. His confidence is on the floor also.

[Darkesteyes]

Peanut you sound lovely. And I totally know where you are coming from. But there is still no reason why he cant pleasure you in other ways. Obviously though NO ONE should be co erced into sex they don't want.
And I certainly wouldn't want sex with someone who didn't want it with me.
But equally no one has the right to enforce celibacy on you. Because of these experiences I no longer believe in monogamy and have come to see marriage as the ownership (including sexual ownership of women) I would certainly never marry again. DH did begrudgingly agree to an open marriage but that certainly isn't easy to go about in practice largely because we live in a society that believes and reinforces the ownership of women.
Things like this as well as domestic abuse stats have made me realise just how much women are hated.

You deserve more We all do

[peanutnutter]

I know but I would be happy to just have a snog at least, instead it is all very chaste. I am working on the premise that if we start very very very gently something might happen over a period of time!

[Darkesteyes]

Is he open to at least talking about it peanut. You could point out that many women don't need piv sex to have an orgasm.

[peanutnutter]

Yes we have discussed it, I have pointed this out on numerous occasions. I think it is 60% physical and 40% psychological and the 40% is more difficult to overcome . I have tried everything, but he gets so stressed about it.

[Darkesteyes]

Surely though theres nothing stressful about the fact that if he loves you he would want to do something about a situation that is making you unhappy.

[peanutnutter]

Hi Darkest, you would think so. Last night tried to cuddle up to him in bed, had a bit of a kiss and then he got cramp. Apparently he gets this every night (this is the first mention of it). I snapped and said you always have an excuse whenever I get close to you and went back to my own bed. I have drawn the conclusion that either he physically is unable to ever dtd again (I have asked him this and never got a direct answer) or he isn't attracted to me anymore. I am thinking it is the second option because if it was the first surely he would just say he wants to but couldn't, and if he wanted to that badly he would explore options of how to fix it or at least be creative so that we could have some intimacy. So that leaves me with he doesn't find me attractive. I have explained that my concern is we become like brother and sister and he says that won't happen, but I think it is. I am scared to go near him now incase he feels I am putting him under pressure. When he comes home I am going to have it out with him once and for all (I have broached the subject so many times) now I want a final answer. The thing is if he wants to but physically can't I can live with that, its not his fault. But if that's not the case then it is his fault and its making me miserable and I think its a little selfish on his part. Sorry op I didn't intend to hijack your thread

[Darkesteyes]

Hi peanut. His insistence that you wont become like brother and sister......hes wrong ...its already happening.
It doesn't help that in our society womens sexual AND intimacy needs are seen as lesser than mens. And the attitudes still permeat that women shouldn't/don't like sex.
These attitudes serve the purpose of keeping women in our situation quiet. And in our place.

I should be back on these boards tonight so if you want to let me/ us know how you get on if you need to

[Darkesteyes]

His refusal to talk about it and avoidance tactics are not good enough.

[Nevertriedapickledegg]

Hi Peanut,

Not at all. Your experiences are very similar to mine, except I'm being the one who can't cuddle or kiss. I just freeze. I know its not going to go anywhere and it all seems so false and futile.

But at the same time I crave being held and desired.

[peanutnutter]

Had a good chat yesterday, and I told him exactly how I felt. He feels the same. He broke down and said he finds it so hard to discuss and he feels he has let me down which he vowed he would never do. He says he is attracted to me and that makes it worse because he is unable to do anything about it and viagra makes him feel really unwell. We have talked about how we can work through this and he plans to go back to the Dr's. Main thing is we talked and we have a plan. I feel much better for just doing that. He held my hand last night on the sofa whilst we watched tv.

[Darkesteyes]

Im really pleased to hear this peanut, I hope he follows it through.

[Darkesteyes]

Has he made the doctors appointment yet peanut?