Does this sound a remotely doable way of managing a separation legally and emotionally?

[justfoundout2014]

I have other threads about this but basically h is a sahp who has been shagging a mutual friend for 2.5 years. It may or may not be over now. He may or may not love her. Since I found out 2 months ago, everything has been up in the air. H's latest stand is that he wants to move out for 6 months, after which he will 'probably' return and our marriage will be much improved. I said no to this because I was worried about managing finances and childcare (school age dc) alone and because he wasn't promising not to see her so I would assume he would only come back if it hadn't worked out with her. She is married and he says neither he nor she want to live together but, I assume, they want to maintain the relationship, though he says he knows he can't if we're together.

I am reaching the point where I just want him to leave, but he has no job, no income, no savings. I can't afford to maintain him in another property, even temporarily. If he leaves to sofa-surf, he would have to see the dc here and, having tried that before, I find it too unsettling, and am on edge waiting for the next time he comes (times were planned). We only did it for a week though.

Today I have come up with another plan, but don't know if it's feasible. I tell him the marriage is over. He stays here but signs on tomorrow and looks for work properly, not in the half-arsed way he has been doing. We share food etc as normal, but other spending is kept to a minimum - not hard as we are massively hard-up atm, so I will be doing that as well. we have a large attic room that needs a stinking carpet removed but, once that's done, he could sleep there. Once he gets work, he saves, or looks for proper house-share (has lots of friends in similar situations, something would probably come up) and moves out properly. If he still hasn't got a job by Sept when I go back to work, he is on hand for childcare.

My worries are: can he sign on while living here? (I'm guessing no, so it's a non-starter ), would it confuse the dc more - I'm worried about the confusion caused by him living somewhere unsuitable for them to go to anyway.

It is probably a stupid idea, but I just want to get some things in place, rather than him rushing off to live somewhere unstable and me not knowing where I stand. Can see too many holes in it myself now I've written it down, but may as well post having typed it all .

btw, he has no objection to being the one to leave, and I have sought legal advice in general - not about this particular plan.

Gosh just I'm so sorry your going through this. I've been reading your threads and I really feel for you.

Do you think the marriage has any future? Do you still love him?

If you truly believe it's over he could sign on, move out and claim housing benefits. And disability living allowance if his ms prevents him from working. He could do this and be nearby to help with childcare,surely?

Sorry if I've missed points- I'm a bit woozy with this heat.

I loathe the sound of that total cow of an ow.

He really could claim benefits so your wage needn't have to support him and move out sooner than your plan?

But are you ready for him to leave is the biggest question perhaps. So sorry again for what you are having to endure.

H's latest stand is that he wants to move out for 6 months, after which he will 'probably' return and our marriage will be much improved.

I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck right off, now, and leave now. WTF does he get this expectation that he can move in and out as suits him?

Of course the problem with this may be that as you're the earner you have to keep him forever.

Honest answer? If you were a man putting those conditions to a sahm you will be seen as been very unfair. It is extremely unlikely that after being out of work for some years he would be able to find anyone willing to give him a job anytime soon even if he tried his best. Sending him to the attic is unfair too and you don't want him to settle there anyway because without the means to support himself he will never leave.

The important thing is that you are not married and, if the house or lease is only on your name, you have no responsabilities toward him, you don't have to pay rent for him or do anything for him. If the children were living with him the only thing you would need to pay is child maintenance (a maximum of 20% of your net salary but could be much less depending on how many nights the children stayed with you) if the children stay with you more than 50% of the time, though but you pay no maintenance at all (but be fair and provide for the children the best that you can)

So, putting the legal part aside, I think everything would be much easier if you play along with his wishes and tell him that it is a good idea to have a trial separation as he requested. Let him move out for "six months", don't subsidise anything (is his choice and you don't have to) and leave it at it. If he returns, just say you don't want him back.

And... Once you know you are not comingback together at all, go into entitledto.org.uk and use their benefit calculator to find out if you are entitled to tax credits or any other benefits that could help you bear the brunt of bringing children up as a lone parent. Depending on your salary you may get considerable help to pay for childcare).

He will not be able to claim JSA as your spouse while he is living in the same property as you. The rules are that couples are expected support each other. He might get his NI contributions paid for but that's it.

Honestly, I'd get him out and not let him use your home to visit with the children. If he's got no home of his own to take them to while he sofa-surfs that's his bloody look-out. Maybe your mutual "friend" can give him a bed and support him until he gets his arse into a job. There should be consequences for committing such a vile betrayal and I reckon homelessness would barely cover it.

Hmm, thought that would be the case about JSA. The problem is, it becomes the children's lookout too, if he has nowhere adequate to conduct visits .

I actually agree, it's no good his getting entrenched in the attic- that is just making his life too easy. His MS doesn't stop him working, but its unpredictable nature may not go down well with employers, particularly new ones. I don't know. I hate him so much for causing this, and making it all my problem.

Sorry, heraldgerald - I really think the marriage is dead - don't totally feel and believe it, but I do think it, if that makes sense.

Play along with his leaving for "six months". Once he's gone change the locks and wait to tell him that it's been over for you ever since you found out abut what he's been up to behind your back.

Listen, if it comes down to him not having anywhere to conduct visits, that's his fucking look-out. He can take them to the park or wherever it is that other fathers manage to entertain their kids on "their days".

I suspect he's got some cozy plan all worked out already, as he wouldn't have suggested leaving at all, never mind for this proposed six months, if he hadn't. Play along. Leave him to it.

I think if you know the marriage is dead then you need to move on and that has to mean him moving out, surely? And if family money could support him until jsa/ hb/ dla kicks in, could that be an initial plan?

Six months then he will probably move back in? Wtf??? Yes let him go for his 6 months and while he's away arrange for him to not come back. He will have to start looking after himself unless he can find another woman to sponge off support him.

You have no obligation to support him IMHO. He has behaved dreadfully and hurt you. What makes him think he can waltz back into your life after six months. What a nerve. I agree that you need to move on and he has to make his own arrangements for financial support.

His MS may affect the type of job he can have. He has also been out of the work place for a number of years.

On your other thread (sorry) you have said that you have been advised that you at have to pay him spousal maintenance for a time?

Infortunately he doesn't have to leave until your divorce/finances are settled.

Take some time and decide what it is that you would like to do.

If he's offered to leave though..let him go....and don't pay anything until you have to...

Oh, you are married... That changes things but still, you will only be asked to pay spousal maintenance if you have a huge salary, courts will not force you to pay something you can't afford.

If you own the house, there are only two options, either the house is sold to provide both of you with some money for a deposit on another property, or you buy him out.

Just don't know what to do now. We are just in limbo, and I'm too scared to make another move. When I persuaded him not to leave we/he said we would 'give the marriage six months' - so a trial reconciliation, rather than separation. We had a tbf, pretty unpleasant episode in the bedroom that night, nothing since, and he gets angry if I want to discuss the affair. He says he will contact her to tell her no more contact, but is unwilling to prove it and still secretive about his phone. I would be an idiot to believe him.

We can't carry on like this for 6 months and what would happen then? He says we both need to change and I do agree that I need to make significant changes and want to be with him, rather than need to be. However, the chances of my increasing my confidence while we are living like this are slim to none.

But if he leaves? There is a summer holiday booked the week after next, and I would like the dc to have one last family holiday, especially since they know about it and are looking forward. The house and garden need lots doing that I would struggle to do alone, especially with the dc. I just want a few things sorted so I don't get these massive feelings of panic every time I look at the garden. But that's using him.

More importantly, if a split becomes permanent, I lose the children f/t. I went back to work f/t when my dc were babies, ds1 was only 5 months. In term times I barely see them really and am permanently tired, even at weekends. The whole point of doing this is that, as a teacher, I have the holidays. Now he will take them for half this time and I just can't stand it. Quality of life will be shit. tired all the time, the dc not there half the time, no money. If I add having to move house into that shit-mix to give him some money, it just becomes intolerable. I believe I would lose my career which, though I have moaned about it above, is very important to me and, for now, the one thing in my life that I have made a success of.

Then there is the ow. I'm not at all sure she is ever going to leave her h, or that it would be for my h if she did (she has already kindly told me to 'calm down' as she's 'not going to steal my husband' ) but if that did happen, and I had to send the dc off to spend weekends and holidays with her and say how wonderful she is when they got back, I would completely lose my mind.

I'm stuck .

Hey, don't get ahead of yourself. I know I had similar worries before leaving exh, but with time (and a lot of advice) I now understand that:

-you don't loose your children FT, you get some free time you need to catch up with yourself, house shores and rebuild your life (and you will need that free time to survive, honest)
-he doesn't have to take them for the whole of the holidays, you and him will need to arrange between yourselves which combination suits your children better.

• when you don't have the children all the time, the time spent with them becomes SPECIAL. I wouldn't be surprised at all if your relationship with them gets much better.
• don't victimise yourself for being a working full time mother, honestly, there are millions of us who do it and we have quality of life, even when there is no husband or partner around.
• I can't say that life as a lone parent is easy, but I can say that I am much happier now than when I was in a relationship that didn't work anymore.

Listen to what MeMyself says above. I know it sounds impossible to imagine but it will all work out. Don't look to the future and panic over things like the garden. Millions of separated people have managed to make it work living apart. Trust me everything will settle down. I did it with two babies whilst totally broke. Friends of mine have done it and we all seem to have managed one way or another. Go and see a solicitor or Women's Aid to find out where you stand financially. Having this knowlege will empower you.

If I was you I would focus on how badly he has let you down. He went with a OW for 2.5 years. Don't let yourself be treated so badly. Try your best to put your shoulders back and your head high and tell him to get the hell out of your sight. Let him do it for 6 months to see if you can forgive his betrayal. That 6 months will give you time to consider what is best for you instead of worrying about him. He wasn't so helpless when he was conniving behind your back. Make him do the garden.

Go on your holiday with the DC and tell him he is not welcome. If that would distress the DC too much let him come along. Whilst you are away try to think of yourself and yourself only. Once you are strong you and the DC will be fine.

Please believe me that you can have a great future without him. It is lovely to be in charge of your own home where you wake up and decide what sort of a day you can have. The DC will adapt and adjust. You really have the chance to become yourself again, focus on your work and look forward positively. It won't be a walk in the park but it will be a lot less problematic than it is now. Allow yourself to be a little bit excited about your future.

Absolutely agree with the last two wise posters. How are you doing op? I know it must feel as though everything is crashing round your ears but there are things to get excited and happy about in the future. Really hope your doing ok. Unmumsnetty hugs.

It is a massive, massive thing to no longer play the game of 'trying' which is all bullshit actually, isn't it. I can't believe you like this man, let alone love and desire him which is what is required to really make this shitty situation work. You are talking about practical things, which are true, are there and do need to be addressed but in comparison to the devastating disrespectful, hurtful, unloving way your husband has been treating you (and continues to treat you) they fade to insignificance. Have you considered your tiredness stems from dealing with this fuckwit rather than your job? Remove him and his filthiness from your life and I am sure you will feel better. Does he claim disability benefit? Let him go, claim the working tax if you can or use your child care vouchers for child care. If he can not have contact in his new pad that will be a consequence of his poor decisions. I am sure I am not the first or the last that will sat GET RID go on the holiday by himself, this man has opted out of your family by shagging someone else. You, the strong one who has held your family together will BE FINE. Much kindness and support OP xxx

** go on the holiday by yourself!!

Let him leave under whatever false pretences are necessary, if that means pretending it's a six month trial then so be it.

All the other stuff doesn't matter and will feel a zillion times more manageable once his lying cheating face isn't facing you over the breakfast table every morning.

For starters, sod the garden. Stop giving yourself a hard time about it. In fact, give yourself a year off from worrying about house and garden. If you catch yourself starting down that line of thought, give yourself a mental slap on the wrist and dismiss it from your mind.

And yes, take the kids on hols and enjoy. Tell him he has to be elsewhere by the time you get back.

if she hasn't left her husband already then the OW probably doesn't really want to. I imagine she is likely to run a mile if your H suddenly becomes free and single and expecting her to couple up with him.

If that happens of course it's vitally important that you don't take him back, whatever desperate whining noises emanate from his direction.
He's made his bed, now he can bloody lie in it.

One step at a time OP. Take the kids in holiday and get your head straight. Stop putting barriers in way of what, I think you already know, needs to be done. Sure the thought of going it alone is scary but you will find a way through it all. X left DS and I at Easter, and Id read other peoples threads thinking 'yes, but ....' , and coming up with ways to get things back the way they were. But now I'm just getting on with it...sure the nights DS not here are hard but I've started doing more for myself at these times (dare I say it, I may even have a date tomorrow!)...I've done work on the house and garden...booked a holiday for DS and I...you can do it.