Does this sound a remotely doable way of managing a separation legally and emotionally?

[justfoundout2014]

I have other threads about this but basically h is a sahp who has been shagging a mutual friend for 2.5 years. It may or may not be over now. He may or may not love her. Since I found out 2 months ago, everything has been up in the air. H's latest stand is that he wants to move out for 6 months, after which he will 'probably' return and our marriage will be much improved. I said no to this because I was worried about managing finances and childcare (school age dc) alone and because he wasn't promising not to see her so I would assume he would only come back if it hadn't worked out with her. She is married and he says neither he nor she want to live together but, I assume, they want to maintain the relationship, though he says he knows he can't if we're together.

I am reaching the point where I just want him to leave, but he has no job, no income, no savings. I can't afford to maintain him in another property, even temporarily. If he leaves to sofa-surf, he would have to see the dc here and, having tried that before, I find it too unsettling, and am on edge waiting for the next time he comes (times were planned). We only did it for a week though.

Today I have come up with another plan, but don't know if it's feasible. I tell him the marriage is over. He stays here but signs on tomorrow and looks for work properly, not in the half-arsed way he has been doing. We share food etc as normal, but other spending is kept to a minimum - not hard as we are massively hard-up atm, so I will be doing that as well. we have a large attic room that needs a stinking carpet removed but, once that's done, he could sleep there. Once he gets work, he saves, or looks for proper house-share (has lots of friends in similar situations, something would probably come up) and moves out properly. If he still hasn't got a job by Sept when I go back to work, he is on hand for childcare.

My worries are: can he sign on while living here? (I'm guessing no, so it's a non-starter ), would it confuse the dc more - I'm worried about the confusion caused by him living somewhere unsuitable for them to go to anyway.

It is probably a stupid idea, but I just want to get some things in place, rather than him rushing off to live somewhere unstable and me not knowing where I stand. Can see too many holes in it myself now I've written it down, but may as well post having typed it all .

btw, he has no objection to being the one to leave, and I have sought legal advice in general - not about this particular plan.

Its a total mess isn't it!! He needs to get a job and an income plain and simple. I would definitely get the separate rooms situ up and running, cant believe you are still sharing after all you have been through. The hardest part in a situation like this is getting your head together to work out what you want. That seems easier if you can get separate space but in your financial case it doesn't sound an option just now. I wouldn't worry about 'using him' you have a joint responsibility to the home and kids - which includes maintaining house/garden etc tell him to get out there and get the jobs done. If you want to do the holiday together then do it - that's your choice. When I was in this position fortunately the DH opted not to go hoping the whole thing would be cancelled so I took a friend. I guess at least if you take him you know where he is and what he's up to.

Not sure how old your kids are but could consider an au pair for child care prob cheaper than DH and if they shag the neighbours you wont be too bothered about it. It is doable the career/life/kids/house but I wont lie it can be hard work at times but no where near as much hard work as dealing with a partner who you cant trust and soaks up a lot of emotional energy trying to work out what's going on in the relationship.

Personally I would tell him it's over and kick him out. If he's well enough to fuck another woman for over 2 years he's well enough to work. Yes I totally understand the unpredictable nature of MS, but many other people are in this situation without a partner to bankroll them. The MS sufferers I know set up their working life so that they are self employed and can work flexible hours.

If he can't find a sofa to surf he can shack up in a hostel.

Only a dose of reality at this point is going to jolt him out his selfish, entitled nonsense.

I'm sorry he's ill but he's not entitled to be total arsehole to his wife and kids because of it.

So much thoughtful advice - thank you all .

Well, I have kind of backed off forcing him to leave with nowhere proper to go. It really would be just punishing the dc and, despite everything, he is a good father. He was a shit father when he was shagging ow without a thought for the consequences for the dc, and when he messes with my head, again without a thought for the dc, but I honestly don't think that takes away the fact that he spends the majority of his time with the dc and is an excellent father then and their summer would be much diminished without him. Same applies to stopping him going on the holiday.

The attic has been made liveable and he should be moving up there in the next couple of days - he has gone to his mother's for a couple of days now as she has been unwell. Apparently, she has some 'solutions' for us . She may offer him a significant loan, so if she does, he will be able to move out sooner.

I do feel a bit more accepting of the fact that it may be completely over, it's just the mechanics of how that would work that still scare me. And things like Christmas, (which I usually start planning about now to spread the cost) just fill me with dread and panic whenever I think about them. But I also know that I felt worse than this, much worse, when I first found out a few months ago, so progress has been made. I am also looking forward to getting a cat when he goes, as he was 'allergic'.

I just feel so angry with him. If he wanted to leave, why couldn't he make it neater? Our youngest started school Sept 2013, so he had all that time to get a job and save some money, or at least know he had a job to go to. What did he do instead? Sat on fucking FB writing crap, trite shit about her, mooning about thinking how miserable he was. I have confronted him about this and he just said he didn't know he would want to leave for good, and still doesn't. I really should tell him to fuck off, shouldn't I? He isn't even being particularly nice to me, making snide comments about the kind of bread I like as it's 'boring' , and other, trivial faults I have which, while no doubt annoying, surely pale into insignificance when compared with what he has done.

I do think I would be happier without him, and completely agree that ow has no intention of leaving her h and she also has other boyfriends too. My h isn't bothered about them because apparently they mean nothing to her compared to him. He is adamant that he isn't leaving me for her, but I still can't bear even the slightest risk that she may spend time with my dc.

I understand you say he's good with the kids but how is mucking about on FB instead of getting a job a good dad?

He didn't actually answer your question as to why he did this, he simply deflected to say he didn't/ doesn't know if he wants to leave for good.

I would call his bluff OP, and say regardless of whether he knows what he wants to do, it's over and you want him gone. If he really can't go immediately then some time in the near future.

He's not even being nice to you despite the fact that you are essentially his mother, providing a roof over his head and food on his table. He even moans about the bread! His entitlement takes my breath away.

Don't less MS blur the fact that this man is basically a selfish indulgent shit.

So if he has got a disability, he must be getting benefits associated with that. Also am I right in thinking you go straight to the top of the housing list if you have a disability?

Your dc are at school. The childcare you need is minimal.

He has betrayed you in the worst possible way. You say he has done most of the childcare for the children so he would have more rights but on the other hand you say he's a brilliant dad, so would he then not want to take the dc away from you full time? If he is so great I doubt it.

Also does the OW husband know about this? If not you should tell him pronto. Then maybe she will take your husband on and provide accomodation for him etc

OP you are putting everyone else's wellbeing before your own and whilst you keep doing that you will never get what you actually want or deserve. There are always going to be complications with a separation. I have seen so many people go through it and all of them have managed to work things out. He will keep seeing the OW and your children will probably spend time with her and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Start to demand better treatment from others by treating yourself better. I know I sound harsh but I really want you to see that you are being walked on. You would not like your DC treated like that by anyone. Stand up for yourself and demand better. I would throttle him if he complained about the bread. I am fuming on behalf of a perfect stranger! If he is such a brilliant dad why is he treating the mother of his children with such contempt?

I really understand that you are going through a tough time and your planned arrangements probably make sense to you. I hope that some day you will get your life back because you sound like a lovely person.

I also meant to say stop worrying about Christmas. Think instead of a lovely cosy Christmas with your DC and a new year ahead of you without having to put up with this crap from such a selfish man.

Just to clarify, he has MS but it is relatively benign and he is not disabled, though he does tire easily. In a way, things would be easier if he were 'properly' disabled (Please, I do not mean to offend anyone by saying this, and I know he is very lucky not to be in most ways) as he would then be entitled to benefits. As things stand, he can apply for jobs, but would have to mention the MS, which would be likely to put people off, and he is unsure how he would cope with f/t work in terms of fatigue. There is no disability as such, and I think fatigue can be harder for employers to sympathise with. For these reasons, we had agreed that he wouldn't work when our youngest started school - we can manage without extra money, and h could concentrate on his writing (halfway through a screenplay - I think it has potential!). He had it made really, could have developed his writing (he has had minor pieces published in magazines.) He has fucked up so much - he won't have the time or energy to focus on the writing if he has to work f/t.

Less important, but makes me look such a sap, I feel I must also clarify, is the bread issue. He bakes bread. He had baked wholemeal which I only like with certain sandwich fillings, so I said I'd go and get some white-sliced. He went off on one about what a conservative eater I am, how I would live on ready-meals without him etc etc. He was still being a shit, but not an entitled one as such, as he wasn't complaining about I had provided.

Am I being a doormat? I don't know. We have spent every evening with me telling him what a shit he has been to me and he says he's tired of it. I am just scared of how I will cope when school starts in September.