How important are looks

Blossum123 · 2014-07-26T13:38:05+00:00

In a long term relationship how important are they ? Do u aim to look as slim trendy well groomed as when u met ? I try but it's hard esp as the yrs go by

Vivacia · 26/07/2014 14:49

I know this isn't quite what you asked, but I think that looks are something that are important when you're about 14 and become less important the older and wiser you get.

neiljames77 · 26/07/2014 14:58

Vivacia - True. I got married to someone because we liked the look of each other. We eventually realised that we had nothing in common.
Being able to talk to each other freely about anything and have a laugh will outlast everything else.

newnamesamegame · 26/07/2014 15:00

I don't think looks are what sustains a relationship, though they may play a part in it. I think if looks are the most important thing in your relationship you have big problems.

On the other hand I like to look as nice and well groomed as I can because I see it as part of maintaining high personal standards and boosting my confidence. But I do this for myself (and partly for professional reasons.) I think if you spend a large amount of time and money trying to adjust your looks for your partner you have self-esteem problems.

pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 15:53

I try to look all of those- for me.
I wouldn't respect myself if I let myself go and I'd wonder how much respect DH had for himself if she let himself go. For me, it's not so much about being slim as being healthy and hopefully living to a ripe old age with quality of life.

flappityfanjos · 26/07/2014 16:02

Well, I was fat and scruffy when we met, so it's not too hard to maintain...

I think it's possible to make yourself unattractive by really not giving a crap, neglecting personal hygiene when there's no reason to, wearing things that aren't clean or look awful on you. But I couldn't be in a relationship where I felt I had to maintain a specific weight or couldn't relax into old jeans and a T-shirt most days. Me and DH are hairy hippy types in that regard, though.

kaykayblue · 26/07/2014 16:41

There's nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance, so long as you aren't obsessive with it.

For example, if someone is getting up before their husband every day to do their hair and make up...that's fucked up.

But maintaining a stable weight and keeping a decent appearance overall? I'd say that's normal and respectful for yourself and your partner.

My partner is stunning, but that's not why we are together. It played a part in the beginning of course, but we wouldn't still be together if that's all there was. If something outside of his control changed his appearance I would love him exactly the same. But if he just got super lazy and really let himself go for no reason...well of course I would still love him but I would be a bit pissed off and probably ask him to make a bit of an effort.

But I think people have really different views on this so it depends a lot on the couple. What IS important is that both people have the same views, and both people follow them.

Its okay for two people in a couple to think appearance is vaguely important and to both put an effort in. Its not okay for a man to say his wife needs to maintain a standard whilst he looks like complete shit and doesn't care.

Joysmum · 26/07/2014 16:45

Not at all important.

If they were, my DH wouldn't be with me as I've never been much to look at. I'd not be with my DH either as he's no Adonis.

Add into the mix that people don't suddenly divorce as they age. You fall in love with the person. In theory I'd never choose to be with a 60 year old. In practice when DH reaches 60 I'll be madly in love with a 60 year old, who'd have thought it!

Love transcends looks and age and any other preference because it's all about the person.

pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 17:06

Joy

Why would you say you would never want to be with a 60 yr old?
Surely you'd only say something like that if you were 20?

I don't agree that it's all about the person, in the sense that appearance doesn't matter. But for me it's what people can control that matters...DH is 60 in a few weeks and is as trim as when we met 30 years back , because he makes the effort and we both try to live a healthy lifestyle.His hair isn't the same ( what hair?) but he can't help that. But if he'd let himself go I'd lose respect - that's not so much about 'looks' but about lifestyle and caring about your health.

WaitingForMe · 26/07/2014 17:13

They're fairly important. If I'm going to spend my life across the dinner table from the same man, I want to enjoy the view

On saying that, our weights have changed, what is left of his hair is mostly grey and I'm generally rocking the harangued mother of a toddler look. But we still consider each other to be attractive.

pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 17:16

I wonder Blossum if you feel under threat in some way that your DP/DH is casting his eye around? Trust is another issue altogether. No one should feel they ought to maintain their looks to keep their partner.

LovesPeace · 26/07/2014 17:32

My last two exes weren't much to look at - but I didn't care as I could see beyond it, and thought that personality mattered more.

I'm having a bit of a re-evaluation as both of them cyber cheated, by messaging, sexting and otherwise behaving inappropriately to girls of around 20 (they were both 40's).

What amazed me is that these 20yr olds were very attractive looking girls, but my exes didn't seem to suffer a moment of 'she's out of my league' and felt they could have, no, DESERVED some slim 20yr old rather than the 40 year old me.

It's given me a whole new perspective on it, albeit unwanted.

Original poster

Blossum123 · 26/07/2014 19:47

My last two exes weren't much to look at - but I didn't care as I could see beyond it, and thought that personality mattered more.

I'm having a bit of a re-evaluation as both of them cyber cheated, by messaging, sexting and otherwise behaving inappropriately to girls of around 20 (they were both 40's).

What amazed me is that these 20yr olds were very attractive looking girls, but my exes didn't seem to suffer a moment of 'she's out of my league' and felt they could have, no, DESERVED some slim 20yr old rather than the 40 year old me.

It's given me a whole new perspective on it, albeit unwanted.

I would find that upsetting as it's not accepting you as you age x

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Original poster

Blossum123 · 26/07/2014 19:49

My husband doesn't look around but I know iv put a little weight on and have aged a bit with the years. He doesn't say anything negative but I think I'm thinking I should be the same as when we met . Silly really

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LovesPeace · 26/07/2014 19:53

I do find it depressing, as it makes me think all men are twats (although I don't really believe that).

However, I'm pretty happy with my single life, whereas they're both satisfyingly miserable now.

The girls who were Whatsapping them 'kissing you deeply, can't wait to feel you inside me, my love' stuff disappeared like whippets out of a trap as soon as my exes gladly announced their availability (after I dumped them).

It's funny and tragic in equal measure.

I conclude; a good man/woman loves the inner person, a shallow fool can't see past the skin.

LaQueenLovesSummer · 26/07/2014 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMessageToYouRudie · 26/07/2014 20:11

Luckily I picked a stunner ;)
He will always be better looking than me and I have always fancied him because he is so clever!
but I have got the best personality! Ha
Twenty Years and counting......

Liara · 26/07/2014 20:26

I don't think looks are important at all, but 'chemistry' - finding your partner sexually attractive, certainly is. There is undoubtedly an element of looks in that, at least initially, but over the years it diminishes.

I know dh is very good looking from comments that others make - he is an exercise addict and everyone is always commenting on how trim he is, but what I find attractive is the feel of him, his smell, the comforting familiarity of his body. I felt the same when he was much less fit and a fair bit heavier.

I, on the other hand, look very different from what I did pre dc - but dh finds me just as attractive, if not more than before. He says that having seen my body make his children makes him love it all the more.

Neither of us bothers at all with the trendy well groomed thing, what we consider taking care of ourselves has to do with health and well-being now.

StrawberryMouse · 26/07/2014 22:45

Hmm. I think looks are very valued by some men in certain circumstances.

Women, less so. My DH isn't the best looking guy in the world, he's certainly not hideous but he gets a lot of female attention from women who know him because he's kind, warm, easy going, successful, a family man, good company etc. He's a good relationship prospect.

I perhaps wouldn't look twice at him walking down the street but he has a way of making you feel like the only person in the world when he talks to you and I have seen the effect he has on people many times.

I would rather be married to him than any of his perhaps more attractive friends because his qualities are more important to me.

Pepperwitheverything · 26/07/2014 22:51

I concur with Vivacia. When I got with my husband, I was beautiful....that sounds big headed but I was. He saw through all that and loved me for ME....he stood out from all the silly little men who just saw what I looked like and I held them in disdain for that. Anyway, years later my looks have long gone yet he STILL thinks I am gorgeous, fantastic, perfect....so in answer to your question, in a long term relationship looks are NOT important at all....your personality MAKES you beautiful.'

however · 27/07/2014 05:56

To me', it will always be important that he stays in reasonable shape. We both try to do that. It's less to do with looks and more to do with not wanting to care for someone with avoidable health issues when they get older. But a bit to do with the attractiveness thing.

As for the superficial stuff, well clean and tidy isn't too much to ask. Personally I don't wear makeup every day.

WildBillfemale · 27/07/2014 09:40

How important are looks? Not hugely in the grand scheme of things.

There has to be an initial attraction when first meeting someone but this can be the energy they give off not necessarily good looks as such. We all know people who are very attractive irl (funny, animated, buzzing, light to be around) but not so in photographs as they are not physically blessed - I think this is to do with the energy they give off (I don't mean in a hippy shit way, just some people are really vibrant and that is hugely attractive)

In LTR it's still important to keep yourself groomed and healthy and not let yourself go. It's not only a self respect thing it's a respect for partner thing. You fall in love with the inner person but still need to fancy the outer shell. It's not necessary to be groomed to perfection every day but taking care of yourself is a self esteem thing.

clean hair, clean teeth, clean T shirt and jeans
greasy hair, bad breath, stained T shirt and holey tracky pants.
There's not a huge extra effort in the first option but it's heaps more attractive than the second.

Vivacia · 27/07/2014 12:40

This discussion has brought out lots of ideas hasn't it. Physical "looks", hygiene and cleanliness, personal grooming, health and fitness.

What are you thinking OP?

KERALA1 · 27/07/2014 13:01

Annoyingly dh getting more good looking as we get older gaaah! He's taken up a sport seriously which means his physique is now like David beckhams sadly I am not exaggerating. Had to take most of his clothes to the charity shop recently. Has meant I have sharpened up and lost the post dc stone and for the past year have watched what I ate and exercised think him getting so fit has motivated me.

Dirtybadger · 27/07/2014 13:39

They're pretty important to me, but more so because I value health and fitness so much so relatively healthy shape just follows that? I would be happy with a woman or man of pretty much any shape as long as they were fit and healthy. Give me someone who will come running with me (or just long walks) but has a few extra pounds over a couch potato slim person any day. Not sexy.

I don't really wear make up and dress pretty scruffy mostly (sports stuff again there) so to be honest I can't see someone getting disappointed as the years go on. Their standards for "presentation" will already be low!

Original poster

Blossum123 · 28/07/2014 07:31

This discussion has brought out lots of ideas hasn't it. Physical "looks", hygiene and cleanliness, personal grooming, health and fitness.

What are you thinking OP?

It has hadn't it . I actually feel slot better . I'm s stone heavier and my stomach is baggy . I'm starting with a grey hair - but I do take personal grooming seriously and I try to keep fit . I guess it's to do with accepting the aging process gracefully ? Thankyou all you've really put it in perspective
I do take a interest in my clothes and hair . I am interested in maintaining my health so dentist excersise etc.
I think I thought of looks as looking 25 slim and polished but it's not . It's about self respect

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