Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Row with friend - feeling awful

26 replies

SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 00:44

She has had some MH issues. I think it's not really 'her' talking but it's come out of nowhere and she is accusing me of being an enemy and untrustworthy now and I feel a bit shaken up.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/07/2014 00:45

Have a drink. Deep breaths and sleep on it.

pictish · 25/07/2014 00:46

Aww don't be sad.
Ok be sad...I'd be sad too, but don't take it personally yet.
Is she a close friend?

JoyceDivision · 25/07/2014 00:49

I think this is where you have to take a deep breath, remember it islikely to be the illness speaking, rather than your friend, iykwim?

Areyou close to her family for an informal chat as to how they are finding her at the moment, in case your friends health has worsened and it needs to be flagged in with an appropriate support area?

I have been a plurker for years, I'm used to seeing you offering advice and support, SGB, not having to ask for it!

Hope your friend is able to deal with her issues and find brighter days soon

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 00:49

One of my oldest friends. I suppose it was really only a matter of time before it happened. I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 25/07/2014 00:52

Can you keep contact with her family so that if you have to take a step back from her life for a while, you are still maintaining a friendship of sorts tha can hopefully pick back up later?

if you and her family can offer each other support, would that help?

MyPrettyToes · 25/07/2014 01:05

Only time will tell if this is MH issue or the 'real' person. I suspect you already know the answer to this if you have known your friend a long time.

Give your friend time. However, be easy on yourself as well. If these are MH issues manifesting themselves you will only be helpful to her by avoiding being dragged into the 'black hole' with her.

I have spent the last year having treatment for paralysing OCD, PTSD, extreme anxiety, insomnia... I sometimes have lashed out at the ones closest to me. They stepped back, gave me the space but were present in an instant if I needed them.

You give great advice (mostly Smile), what would you write to another poster in a similar predicament?

I can honestly tell you nothing, absolutely nothing good comes from over-thinking things at this time of night. Be kind to yourself, sleep, you will get better clarity with the new day.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 01:06

I'm not really in contact with her family. She moved home a while ago and is some distance from me now (this row happened online) - I know she is near family members so she has some support. I have emailed a mutual friend to see if he knows how she is but it's a bit late at night and I probably won't hear back from him till tomorrow.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 25/07/2014 01:49

It can make you feel shaky Sad

My ex got very paranoid - I became the enemy (apparently I was planning to hire a hit squad). He got better and we're close friends now.

See what your friend says but I'd suggest you back off for a while - for your sake.

SignYourName · 25/07/2014 03:57

Can you email her simply saying "I'm sorry, I was out of order (even if you weren't, sometimes it does no harm to be the bigger person especially if you know/suspect there are factors outwith her control affecting her response), I really don't want to fall out with you, I love you"? Then leave it to let the dust settle for a little while.

Wonc · 25/07/2014 05:20

I recently had a major disagreement with my closest friend of 20+ years. We were like sisters, but she has turned in to someone I don't know. It has been awful. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the friendship.

Only you can tell if it's salvageable, and that may take some time. It is good you know she is safe and has support. Don't do anything until you're sure.

Sorry for you Sad It feels rotten.

HayDayQueen · 25/07/2014 08:38

Does she do this sort of thing often?

And if she does, is it a 'permanent' thing? Does she then cut that person out of her life?

I had a friend who I had known for a couple of years who also had mental health problems - not sure the extent but a very manic up and down personality and she would mess around with her medication on a whim, our DSs were friends, and she went ballistic at me one day, and cut me off. It's been 2 years and she still ignores me and will leave a group if I join it.

I wasn't sure if it was 'her' method, but now 2 years later I know of a few other people she is ignoring so I'm guessing it is her method of dealing with conflict.

But you've known your friend for far longer, so should have a good idea how she deals with conflict. Hopefully you will be able to get back from this.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 09:47

I think (having slept on it) that leaving her alone for the moment is probably the best option. Similar things have happened with mutual friends and it seems to settle down after a while. At the end of the discussion I said I was sorry and that I cared about her and meant her no harm.
Basically she is mentally unwell and goes in stages - when she's ill she believes that everyone is against her and she is being persecuted by a conspiracy. The thing that would always make her turn on someone would be even a kind, careful suggestion that some of the things she feared or believed were not really happening. Now she insists I have been 'gossiping' about her and put her in terrible danger. I have no idea what actually happened (or if anything happened at all).

OP posts:
mrssnodge · 25/07/2014 10:12

My ex SIL, had Mh issues, she went from being totally fine to a paranoid schizophrenic within two years> I could see the changes happening and we had awful arguements and fall outs, non of them my fault but non of hers really, it was the illness that caused her to speak in the way she did.
I did back off for a while because it came so bad it was effecting my life and my DC but I was there for her in emergencies (a few suicide attempts and helping with her DCs and cleaning her house when she wasnt capable), but now a few years later she is re married and a bit more stable, she is reliant on medication for the rest of her life, and she blames this medication for being so outspoken and hurtfull that I have totally backed off.

Its rotten, I feel guilty, but shes not the same person, she is now an alchoholic , but I do still see her DC- my neices and nephews regular.
OP dont take it personal but dont allow her MH issues to overcome you like I did with my ExSIL

pictish · 25/07/2014 10:43

I recognise the ilk of what you say by my experience with my brother, who has mental health issues.
There's really nothing you can do at this stage because the thought processes are very real to the person expressing them.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 12:57

Thanks all. I know there is not a lot I can do - in some ways I have only been able to stay friends with her as long as I have by never actually saying, look, you are mentally ill or even suggesting it. I know her distress is real and I'm very sorry for her. I am just going to hope that (going by past experiences) she will enter an 'improved' cycle again at some point and we will be able to talk to each other. As long as we never mention the row.

OP posts:
Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 16:00

And had another long message from her saying she no longer wants to see or hear from me because I have been saying bad things about her for years. OK I and mutual friends have discussed our concerns about her with each other sometimes but it's not been out of any wish to hurt her.
As far as I can make out, someone else has told her things I have supposedly said (whether this is someone acting out of malice, someone trying to make his/her own position clear - 'even [SGB] thinks you have a problem 'or talking rubbish themselves I don't know) and she thinks that it is therefore all my fault that something unpleasant happened to her last week.
I told her I would respect her wishes and not contact her for the moment and repeated that I was sorry and wished her the best for the future.
But it doesn't feel very nice.

OP posts:
Wonc · 25/07/2014 16:13

Sad sorry SGB.

How awful that someone is trying to stir the pot and remove her support network from her. Do you know who it is? It seems a particularly mean thing to do.

pictish · 25/07/2014 19:13

Sorry SGB - fwiw I think you have dealt with it brilliantly, by telling her you respect her wishes and that you bear her no malice.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 19:54

TBH I'm not even sure anyone is telling her tales about me. It's possible, of course, but sometimes, when she's particularly upset, dealing with her can be a bit like trying to knit fog. I have always backed off gently when she's been upset and insisting that various things have happened/are happening which simply don't add up.

OP posts:
Meerka · 25/07/2014 21:27

if similar things have happened with other friends perhaps it will blow over once she is seeing things more clearly. She surely must value your old friendship just as you do.

does she actuallly get any treatment?

SoleSource · 25/07/2014 21:57

I have the exact same thing going on right now with a friend, he believes lies told to him about me and so stubborn to believe they are true.

I don't know what to do, i just told him i respect his wishes and when he realises i'm telling the truth, i hope he contacts me, i feel i am owed an apology!

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2014 23:52

Meerka: I don't know what, if any, treatment she is getting at present. For some years she did get treatment for anxiety/depression/other MH issues but I think at some point she decided she didn't want it and it wasn't helping. In the past I have tried (very carefully) asking her about what she's getting in the way of help and/or suggesting she see a doctor, which has never gone down very well.
FWIW I think she has had some fairly shit treatment from the NHS in the past, even though I know MH issues are complex to treat.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/07/2014 00:42

She sounds rather paranoid and at the moment, not thinking clearly about these things.

There isn't anything you can do, but be prepared for her to make a reappearance though, perhaps even mystified why you aren't speaking to her. These things are not always logical and straightforward.

It is not personal to you (she's cut off other people/fallen out with them), but it is sad to see someone you know well and love be like this.

Meerka · 26/07/2014 12:11

oh dear, that won't be helping if she doesn't get medical support. But yes, the NHS services for MH can be terrible, they are difficult to handle but the whole system is tottering and collapsing.

I hope she can see more clearly soon. Perhaps if she doesn't contact you, a cautious attempt to contact her in a few months might be worthwhile? She might throw it back in your face, but she might be welcoming. Hope that it works out okay.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 27/07/2014 02:18

Argh, more ranty messages from her. On the one hand I am feeling less guilty and panicky as the things she is accusing me of are now stuff I know I haven't done, on the other hand it's upsetting me to see how ill she is.

OP posts: