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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i feel so sorry for dd11 on her last day of school.

41 replies

Meery · 23/07/2014 22:41

Probably an aibu but too scared to post over there!

Anyway my ddi had her last day at primary today. Small school with 15 kids in year. Always rubbed along well and although friendships have changed over the years they have been a fairly constant group. Weve got to know parents too and shared many an eve down the pub or at bbq etc.

So after school tonight we all met up at the pub straight after school for a couple of drinks. Imagine our hurt when we discovered that each and every one of the families there were moving onto a bbq. We just had not been invited. Dh and i are totally puzzled as to why Weve been dropped but also upset that our dd noticed that she had been excluded.

Not sure why im posting - just need to vent. What can i do to make up to my dd and not let tonight events cloud her happy memories of school?

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 23/07/2014 22:43

could it have been a mistake?

knickernicker · 23/07/2014 22:47

Can u think of any reason why?
Re: DD, just don't let her see it affected you. Phaps she'll see some of her friends over summer and it'll be forgotten.

kiplingmidst · 23/07/2014 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 23/07/2014 22:48

Oh no :(
I think there must have been a mistake. Surely no one would have been that cruel.

Matildathecat · 23/07/2014 22:49

Surely a mistake? How horrid. Is there anyone within the group that you can ask?

wheretoyougonow · 23/07/2014 22:50

Is there another mum you are close to that you can just ask? It has to be a mistake. I'm really sorry for you though as that must of hurt

AlpacaYourThings · 23/07/2014 22:50

If you can't think of a reason, it must have been a mistake.

Surely no one would be cruel enough to exclude you all unless there was a really obvious reason?!

TheReluctantCountess · 23/07/2014 22:52

That's awful.

Original poster

Meery · 23/07/2014 23:10

No it was too obvious to be a mistake. Just racking my brains to work out how we've offended the other mum.

Good advice thanks to play it down with dd and get on with having a great summer.

OP posts:

AlpacaYourThings · 23/07/2014 23:11

If that's the case it is very vicious behaviour. I hope your DD wasn't too upset.

Original poster

Meery · 23/07/2014 23:13

And yes i will ask another mum if she knows what's happened. Trouble is my pride is such that im loathe to show that im bothered by it at all.

OP posts:

Shoopshoop2 · 23/07/2014 23:28

That's nasty. I wouldn't mention anything. DD is likely to find the truth

Original poster

Meery · 23/07/2014 23:33

Kipling sorry that it's happened to you too.

I think that why i am so bothered by it is that i cannot imagine doing such a thing - it's just not decent behaviour. 7 years o fparental friendships just gone.

I think i was more upset for dd than she was herself so have had to v careful not to project. She did say though that she knew a bbq was arranged for tonight and there have been other get togethers over the summer that we've missed.

OP posts:

ProbablyMe · 23/07/2014 23:48

Pretty much the same happened to myself and DS4 aged 11 too. He did get invited, last minute, to go to the local park with a few friends as he thought and one of their mum's offered to look after him for an 1 1/2 for me so I didn't have to stay. When I picked him up, most of the families from the school were there (small school, 52 on the roll) for a pre arranged end of term picnic. Chairs, parasols...the lot. I felt like a right fool when I had to walk over to them to fetch my DS. I'm glad DS was sort of invited in the end I guess but I still feel like we were excluded. Few tears here tonight over it (me not him).

Pinkballoon · 23/07/2014 23:56

Are you going to have to have anything to do with this lot in the future i.e. with secondary schools? If it wasn't a mistake, then its just plain nastiness. We've had this kind of rubbish before. Unfortunately, its usually mums with a bit too much time on their hands to think up stuff like this. I'd say ignore and it will take the wind out of their sails. Secondary school will be very different as they won't all be able to hang around the gates thinking up this kind of rubbish. Smile sweetly if you bump into them.

MazzleDazzle · 24/07/2014 00:01

This has happened to me before - plenty of times! I consider myself really easy going and have never had a fall out with anyone, yet I often find out things have been organised and I've not been asked along. Like you I feel sorrier for my DD than myself.

In my experience they just haven't remembered to invite you - they probably didn't even notice. Maybe a few of the families decided to have the BBQ together and they each asked someone along. To them it's not a big deal at all, but to you it is and understandably so. It's horrible to not be 'in'.

I once received several texts re. a birthday meal I wasn't invited to i.e. shall we all just chip in and get a joint present?/Let's all meet up for drinks first./Are you driving or would you like a lift? I was heartbroken at the time and mortified having to tell people that, actually, I hadn't been invited!

Perhaps you could suggest a meet up for all the families over the summer? Would your daughter enjoy helping you with this?

Original poster

Meery · 24/07/2014 06:37

Thanks for all your sympathy, shared experience and insights. Having slept on it i feel a lot calmer this am - afterall it was only a bbq. Shame though that it was an end of an era celebration and our primary school gate friendships didn't quite stretch that far. Such friendships are notoriously ephemeral anyway and are likely to have lapsed over time.

Id still like to get to the bottom of it though as hate the thought of causing such upset and not being aware of it. The other mums must know, if id been to a do and someone id expect to see was missing id have asked why (iyswim)

As for those who've asked some of the children including the bbq host will be going to the same secondary as dd. Different tutor group though.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 24/07/2014 06:50

Do you have barbecues? Could it be that you don't invite people to yours?

Charley50 · 24/07/2014 06:51

Not just barbecues.. I mean that do you never invite people to yours for drinks, dinner etc?

aNoteToFollowSo · 24/07/2014 06:58

Why do people behave like this? It's horrible and thoughtless.

OP for what it's worth I would pursue it. But I wouldn't try to emerge with my pride intact. I'd take a different approach which is to say, in honesty, 'I was really hurt at being excluded and am wondering if it was just one of the those things or if I've done something to upset someone'.

And I'd be real about it with DD because she will take her attitude to it from you. I'm not sure how useful it is then to pretend you don't mind if you do - you wouldn't want her to do with that with you. If she asks I would say something along the lines of yes, it didn't feel nice but that these things happen, one never really knows why and that you can't let others people's attitude to you dictate your happiness or how you feel about yourself. In other words I would play it down but not pretend that all was tickety boo.

Hope that's useful. Sorry you and the other posters have experienced this. We've all been there at one time or another and its hurtful.

Isitmylibrarybook · 24/07/2014 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixImpossible · 24/07/2014 07:08

I've missed events like this, and felt deliberately excluded from a driendship group. But often it turned out that earlier events had been very informally arranged, and, not being good at picking up on social cues, I did not notice. But as a result of accidentally missing earlier meet-ups (and being too ashamed of my social ineptitude to explain why I had missed them) people began to assume that I did not want to be involved and did not include me any longer, even when specific invitations were issued.

It hurts.

But new school, new opportunities, new friendship groups.

Isitmylibrarybook · 24/07/2014 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

User54565644578 · 24/07/2014 07:33

Gosh I would be really upset if this had happened to me, too. I'm not all that great at group dynamics and I find this stuff a bit of a nightmare. My DCs are tiny so no school yet, but even with toddler group 'gangs' I find it hard to read where I stand, if they like me or are just being polite until my back is turned!

Like a pp, I wonder if you've always been consistent about who you invite to your gatherings (if you have them)? Have you turned up at most things you've been invited to, or been casual about cancelling at the last minute or only going to things organised by certain people? The reason I ask is that in our group of ante-natal friends there are a couple who always accept but never turn up, or are 'busy' and turn down invites 90% of the time. Eventually the rest of us have automatically started mentally discounting them from some important things - not bitchily or in a calculating way - because it's a bit upsetting to always have two less at a small toddler party that you've catered for, for example, or that they say they are coming to your barbie but then just don't show.

Sucks for your DD in any case. You'd thought for the end of school any 'politics' could be left to one side. If it's not a mistake it's very bad form.

Come back and tell us what she says, OP.

Original poster

Meery · 24/07/2014 09:45

Charley i see your point - to be honest we don't do as much social arranging as the bbq mum but then if you consider the group as a whole we do more than some.

One mum has never entertained but i don't think less of her for it.

Library not a missing text. Bbq mum managed well enough to text me about the post school pub visit. We then spent two hours in the groups company with not a single person mentioning the following bbq. Bbq mum had ample time and opportunity to invite us face to face.

I will post when i find out why.

OP posts:

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