i feel so sorry for dd11 on her last day of school.

[Meery]

Probably an aibu but too scared to post over there!

Anyway my ddi had her last day at primary today. Small school with 15 kids in year. Always rubbed along well and although friendships have changed over the years they have been a fairly constant group. Weve got to know parents too and shared many an eve down the pub or at bbq etc.

So after school tonight we all met up at the pub straight after school for a couple of drinks. Imagine our hurt when we discovered that each and every one of the families there were moving onto a bbq. We just had not been invited. Dh and i are totally puzzled as to why Weve been dropped but also upset that our dd noticed that she had been excluded.

Not sure why im posting - just need to vent. What can i do to make up to my dd and not let tonight events cloud her happy memories of school?

Library thanks again, mn is just fab for giving support when you're down.

Mentioning was probably the wrong verb. Maybe it's better to say talking with Dh or i about it. I guessed something was afoot by overhearing snatches of others conversations eg child saying to mum "can i have some crisps" and mum replying "no we're off to bbq"

Also the children talked about it hence dd knowing.

i have started to be proactive and teTed a couple of the mums re meetups over summer. You won't be surprised but no response so far!

I'd have to ask. I'd need to know otherwise it would ruin my summer going round and round in my head. The only thing that I can think of is your daughter is badly behaved/causes upset or you behave badly at social gatherings. I'd have thought you might have had an inkling if either of those two possibilities existed so I'm assuming they are ruled out. You have my sympathies... I'd be very hurt.

aw, that is harsh. I'd be hurt too, hope it was just a mix up and you get to the bottom of it

Years ago I would have been in the "say nothing" camp.
However, as I've aged I am less ashamed of my real feelings and am inclined to think that if you are upset, why hide it? And don't teach DD to hide it either. It's out of order that she was excluded. And if it was a malicious act the perpetrator will be relying on you being too ashamed to mention it. I think, they upset you and made your daughter feel uncomfortable. Make them feel embarrassed and awkward too. Ask them why. Say DD was upset. Make them squirm. It's the only way they will see that there are consequences for their actions.

Meery my heart goes out to you. However as you get older and wiser ( I am 70) you get to realise that it could just be luck. You may not have much in common with these people. I had a fantastic group of mates at my first College and I was in the thick of it, with others fighting to be included to our BBQ's, great parties etc. When I moved on to the next place in a different county, it was totally different and I was lonely, and at the next two places. I despaired on occasion. However, when I got my first job I was amongst a great bunch again, we were all young, cool lecturers. Then I had a baby and moved to a remote part of Scotland and my social life was a struggle. The second place I lived in with three of my subsequent 5 DC contained a clique of Right wing Nasties. They just glared at me. It took me ages to find my own friends who had the same interests. One person on the periphery of the Nazi Clique once asked me to go swimming with them and then they had to come back to me and tell me thar there was no room in their car. I still live in the small village but the dynamics have changed. Most of the Nazi's have moved on and I now have an enviable ' gang' of my own. I am ashamed to say that on a number of occasions I have got my own back on the excluders.( generally I am too softhearted) So you see it happens to us all. It will be swings and roundabouts through out your life. Chin up sweet heart and a pox on them!

just read this thread and I feel so sad for your DD - what these people have done excluding her like that is dreadful.
Your DD is lucky to have a plucky upstanding and supportive Mum!

I'm just going through the same heartache having tried to organise a party for my DS11 who has unexpectedly had to leave his private school as my DH has been out if workforce so long & were all borrowed out now. Seems the weekend I chose us when "there's the school camping trip, didn't you know?". Sent one Mum a terse "I wasn't invited" & haven't heard back.

We have been completely out if all the social circles as we simply haven't had the ££ to have people over for dinner, cut right back on bbqs, no holidays for a few years now (in last 3 years DH has been unemployed for 20 months) etc.

My p-t work pays for kids to do music & my youngest to do athletics but there's never been any ££ to socialise other than walks in the park.

I wouldn't give it a second thought. Just think of it as totally unimportant. It's passed, it's gone, it's not a nice thing to happen but the best thing is to give it as little emotional importance as possible isn't it. I think we can make choices about this kind of thing although it's not easy.

If you are generally kind and respectful towards people you don't need to worry. It says tons more about the other parents than it would ever say about you.

Update - I asked one of the other mums yesterday whether we had upset bbq mum. The consensus amongst the group of parents is that bbq dd and my dd have had a couple of issues over the past year that, although the girls have put it behind them and get on fine, bbq mum has taken this to heart and therefore dropped us as a family.

Getting on my high horse I would like to think that I would not have sat on such a grudge for so long without saying something and that I would not have got so involved in my dd friendships that they clouded my own. I also would have been the bigger person and extended that invite last week.

At least now I have closure and take heart that it's not us.

Thank you for giving me the space to think this out, for your support and for sharing your stories too. I feel for all of you who have been similarly affected, esp WotchOot - I do hope that your ds settles well at his new school.

I will now get on with having a cracking summer!

Ime in secondary school there's a bigger pool of potential friends. Sounds like she went to a very small primary (like my dd). Kids end up been friends with each other as there's no one else rather than actually having stuff in common.

I bet once she starts secondary she'll make new friends. She and you can forget any idiots that she's known at primary (inc parents).

Glad you got an answer, OP, and it reflected badly on bbq mum.

Love the phrase "cracking summer" - enjoy

I'm pleased you have an answer OP. It's very firmly the other mum's problem. Must be awkward for your joint friends. Very petty, but I do remember this kind of thing from my own school days.

Hope you and you DD both have a cracking summer!

I know a mum like that. IMO she is nasty holding a grudge against a child. For the other parents why would they even want to associate with a bitter woman like her. What if it's their children next have a fall out