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Original poster

Baby overnight- advice needed

31 replies

Lookingforabetteryear · 21/07/2014 22:55

Ex partner has not had seven month old baby overnight yet due to bf. he has stated with me and baby overnight when we where trying to get back together, but he's emotionally abusive so I second shot was just pointless. Anyway he wants baby overnight. Is this reasonable? He also wants to travel by train 2/3 hours back to his home town with baby for a weekend. Thoughts please. I can't stand the idea- not because I think he'd neglect or harm baby just because I really really do not like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 21/07/2014 22:56

Stayed not stated

OP posts:
Babycino81 · 21/07/2014 22:58

How will baby be fed if you're EBF? Can you go with him and stay nearby but not with him?

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 21/07/2014 22:58

Baby is now fornula fed. I can't afford train fare and accomodation to be near them.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 21/07/2014 23:00

7 months is too young to be parted from a main carer overnight. How much contact does he currently have?

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 21/07/2014 23:02

He has him for a full day every two / three weeks do not lots. Baby has stayed away from me four nights with my mum n sil in the last month.

OP posts:
Middleagedmotheroftwo · 21/07/2014 23:04

Oh for goodness sake! The baby will be fine. Ex will be knackered and will develop a new respect for you.

I know you'll miss the baby, but try and enjoy having some time to yourself - arrange a full weekend to to take your mind off things.

The baby needs to bond with its father as early as possible and vice versa. You can't prevent that just because you've decided you don't like Ex any more.

cantseemtohaveitall · 21/07/2014 23:06

If you're not comfortable with it then don't do it - simple as that. At 7 months baby is far too young for you to be letting him go anywhere you are not totally comfortable with.

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 21/07/2014 23:06

True. He's been v abusive and nasty so not just "decided" one day. But yes he does need to bond I guess.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 21/07/2014 23:07

Tricky. If you allow your baby to stay with your mum and sil then there's no real reason why not but it depends on how much time they spend with your son. I'd say his current access isn't enough though. He needs to take the time to get to know your son properly.

cantseemtohaveitall · 21/07/2014 23:08

If he's so desperate to 'bond' can't father do that with you present or nearby too?

HumblePieMonster · 22/07/2014 07:40

Baby should be with you, if that's what you are most comfortable with. No other reason is necessary.

I suspect him of using the baby as a weapon against you.

smilingeyes79 · 22/07/2014 07:50

Could you stay at your moms or sil and ex stay at yours for first overnight so your closer ?

magoria · 22/07/2014 07:58

You cannot stop him from overnights just because you really really don't like him. You have the next 18 years of co parenting to get through.

I would suggest you agree to him having DC overnight but the first 3/4 times to be near you so B&B or something similar so that both you and he gain the confidence to know he can deal with anything before he does a long weekend back to his.

MrsKCastle · 22/07/2014 08:11

I think he needs to build up to overnights, at the moment contact isn't frequent enough. I would not leave a baby with someone they only see every 2 or 3 weeks. If he could do 2 afternoons a week for the next month or so, then maybe try one night, then build up to a weekend from there.

Your son's need to feel secure and happy comes first.

rb32 · 22/07/2014 09:46

If you think he'll look after the baby ok then yes, why not? It's a 7 month old baby, it'll be fine aslong as its fed and kept clean and amused. You should make it a regular thing.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 22/07/2014 17:46

I don't get this "baby needs to be with the mother" stuff. Babies all have two parents and its good news that this father, at least, wants to spend time with his child and help look after it.
Everyone parents differently. If the father does things differently from the OP, he's not necessarily doing things the wrong way - just his way.

Babies are pretty resilient and adaptable. If baby creis all night, its not going to come to any harm or resent either parent. It may take a few weekends with the father for the baby to settle, but this doesn't mean the baby shouldn't spend time with its Dad. The OP must have liked him well enough at one time to actually MAKE the baby.

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 22/07/2014 18:43

Yes thank you. Some interesting points and good advice. Those of you who dismiss my " not liking" as petty should maybe not comment.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 22/07/2014 18:47

This isn't about you. It's about your baby. You said she's safe and obviously well loved by him so you need to help nurture that special relationship she is going to have with her father. It's a really important one as far as I'm concerned.

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 19:56

Those of you who dismiss my " not liking" as petty should maybe not comment.

The decisions need making on the basis of what is best for your child. "I don't like him" is not a valid reason. "I don't like him because he's a violent drunk" would be.

summerlovingliz · 22/07/2014 20:07

I would keep baby firmly with me, of he wants to spend time he can come to you.

Eminorsustained · 22/07/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoll · 22/07/2014 20:11

Do you have specific concerns about HIS ability to care for his child? Are there ways for him to allay those concerns? It sounds like you are happy for the baby to spend the night away from you, just not with him - can you see a way in the future for you to be happy with the father to have overnight visits?

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 22/07/2014 22:11

The baby is 50% his you know. What right do you have to stop father and child having time together?
(unless there's more to the not liking thing than you're letting on)

venusandmars · 22/07/2014 22:26

Those of you who dismiss my "not liking" as petty should maybe not comment.

But you asked on an internet forum, so you can't really choose who answers. And if you ask solicitors for a professional opinion about how you should proceed then you may also get some answers which dismiss 'not liking' as a poor reason to avoid overnight contact.

You say that your dc has stayed overnight with other family members, and they are less closely related to your dc than your dc's father is.

For the sake of your dc, you and your exp need to work together to manage this in a way which is least traumatic to your dc. Please.

mytitiferssungtheirsong · 22/07/2014 22:57

If you think he'll look after the baby ok then yes, why not? It's a 7 month old baby, it'll be fine aslong as its fed and kept clean and amused. You should make it a regular thing.

Er rb32 you don't know much about child development Itake it! A child needs a lot more than food and being kept clean! Staying overnight with a person they see a couple of times a month is not good for the baby, bio dad or not.

I've trotted this statistic out before on similar threads but in Sweden where I live it is not recommended that the child has overnights away from main caregiver until it's 3!

Op by not sending your 7 month away to a stranger you are actually putting your baby first. If the father is keen to build a positive healthy relationship with the child he will move at a pace that is healthy for the child building up slowly to overnights.

Good luck and don't be bullied.