Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - urgent I am at the end of my tether

42 replies

nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:11

Sorry in advance if this is a bit rambling and if I drip feed but my head is all over the place. Am on holiday with DH and DS. DH suffers with depression and is having another episode, he's just walked out of the hotel room after blaming all his woes on me. Whenever he has an episode this is his usual behaviour. I just don't know how long I can take it anymore. He takes his medication, but sometimes it's all too much. He has been admitted twice in the last 6 years but when he has one of his down times I'm accused of not supporting him and told I'm the reason he is so unhappy.

Pleased just offer me some tea, sympathy and someone to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:13

Just to add I'm not a prolific poster and I have not name changed for this.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 17/07/2014 22:15

It sounds awful. Poor you. What about you, do you get any support? How old is ds? Are you a long way from home? What do you expect he 'll do next?

Wine Cake Brew

Pinklaydee1302 · 17/07/2014 22:15

Oh sorry for you....on holiday too Hmm

Holidays are meant to be about fun and getting away from the stress. Sorry no great advice though

ancientbuchanan · 17/07/2014 22:17

I'm so sorry,

Being on holiday is often stressful, sometimes because expectations are high, sometimes because you are out of the usual routine. And not having your normal support systems around you will make it worse.

How old is Ds?

Hold your nerve, but be prepared to take action.

Hand holding and sympathy here.

Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:20

DS is 14, we also have dd15 but she's away elsewhere. We're in the Far East. It's not about holiday expectations but he does get stressed when travelling, crazy as he travels loads for work. So far this trip has been miserable with him picking holes in everything and having a go at me in front of DS.

To make matters worse (and to run the risk of outing myself) he has been diagnosed with a hernia and is going in for surgery as soon as we get back. He is in a lot of pain which I think has been the trigger for this. I did suggest we cancel holiday but he thought he could battle through it....obviously not.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:21

Opps DD16, she'd kill me if I said she was 15!

OP posts:
alikat724 · 17/07/2014 22:22

OP sending you Brew and Thanks. I really feel for you, you are very strong and must love him very much to have stood by him through such tough times. I don't know if it will help at all but depressives typically push away those who love them, it is part of the self-fulfilling narrative that they are unloved and unloveable. It of course makes it no easier to deal with. hugs for you and your DS...xx

Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:22

What do I expect he'll do- well he's said he'd like to end everything now. It's shit really.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:24

Alike I know, I feel like he's been using me as his emotional punchbag for ages and I'm just fed up. When he 's in a better frame of mind he sometimes does acknowledge that my life must not be easy with him. Wry laugh face.

OP posts:
AuntySib · 17/07/2014 22:25

Sorry to hear what a horrible time you are having.
No real advice but much sympathy - it's so much harder to deal with away from home without the usual daily routines and support in place, and with the added pressure of supposed to be having fun, and making sure Ds gets a good holiday.
I did try to avoid holidays alone with DH and DC when he was suffering from depression, as the expectations of the holiday would often trigger episodes.
Is your DS old enough to realise there is a problem?

Only thing I can suggest is take DS out tomorrow, leave DH to his own devices. It clearly doesn't help him if you are there, and your priority is DS.

And you are entitled to a nice holiday too.

I often felt that whatever I did it wasn't good enough, anything i said was misinterpreted, and I was best off removing myself from DH's company once it got to the stage that I couldn't actually do anything about how he was feeling.

DH reacted much better if there were other people around, and I was less bothered if I i knew I could take off with the kids, hang with friends and wasn't relying on him to make the holiday work. I used to take my Mum to help when the kids were small, and later would go with friends.

Handholding to you xx

Happy36 · 17/07/2014 22:27

If there is no risk to your husband's safety right now, can you and your son go off for a few hours to do something fun? Perhaps leave your husband a note (or text him) to say where you are and suggest meeting for a meal or something later?

The underlying issues are perhaps best discussed back home - holidays are stressful for all sorts of reasons and can magnify things. Keep up plenty of energy and enthusiasm for your son and give him a great holiday... there is the potential for lots of fun in your exotic destination. Try to give your husband some space to relax too.

Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:29

Thanks for that sib. Will definitely go out alone with DS if DH not up to going out. Will be hard work as jet lagged and I got less than 3 hrs sleep last night as so worried about DH. It's 6.30am here.

I just want to go home alone and curl up in a ball and sob.

OP posts:
AuntySib · 17/07/2014 22:29

Just cross posted, and seen what you wrote about the hernia. That is miserable, DH has gone through that too, I so feel for you!

Can you get medical advice to help in the interim ( pain relief at least for DH?)

Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:32

Thank you all you taking the time to reply, there is no one else I can talk to.

Am so tired of putting on happy face to outside world. Some people think I lead a charmed life as on the outside it does look so but actually it's shit.

I've become so cynical inside that I look at others happy marriages and think " I wonder what you're relationship is like at home behind closed doors" what a crap and skewed view this has given me on life.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:35

Sib, he's got pain relief but he's still in agony. Believe me if you could see the amount of pills he takes, anti depressants, sleeping tables, pain relief.....

I should have insisted on cancelling this holiday but DS was especially looking forward to it and I let DH persuade me he'd be ok. The misery started as we boarded the plane where nothing was good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:36

Ancient, what did you mean by 'but be prepared to take action'?

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 22:47

Please keep talking to me.....

Should I move this elsewhere to get more traffic?

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 17/07/2014 23:03

this board is very busy so i wouldn't worry about responses. There can be like time/shift overs if you get my drift.

I would seriously be tempted to just get everyone home and take it from there. Heal what can be healed and ... well ... Thinking Time for you.

You may well be at wits' end ... ready to call time on the relationship?
Depression is a very destructive condition, as you know. And this latest situation is seeming to me, as an outsider, like the last straw. Is that how it is for you?

Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 23:08

There's been so many last straws en things seem to get better for a while. I feel like this dysfunctional relationship has become normal for me.

I actually like the parts of my life that don't include him but I do not have the strength to leave. I feel like I'm v selfish as I don't want to disrupt everything especially for the DC's who are generally v happy and doing well.

OP posts:
Yambabe · 17/07/2014 23:31

Medication isn't always the only answer for depression.

Has he done any CBT? It may be that he needs to get to the root of his problems and learn some coping strategies rather than using you as an emotional punchbag.

RandomMess · 17/07/2014 23:36

I'm on my 2nd round of group pyscotherapy after a 10 year break, it is helping a lot. The tablets make me feel less but they certainly don't help me live my life in a more content manner.

tipsytrifle · 17/07/2014 23:38

Then you are about to start your journey.

You're noticing consciously the many last straws instead of covering them up or excusing them. You're already at the point of wondering about selfishness versus actually living and being happy. The notion of sacrifice is so pummelled (sp?) into our souls, isn't it?

And this lack of strength to do something. What's that about? Anyone would think women never gave birth or dealt with toddler tantrums the way we say "I'm not strong enough" ... sorry, i'm not being flippant ... just that i actually get such a sense of Strength from you that i think all you need do is let your real thoughts free ...

Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 23:40

He's been admitted to a 'big name' institution that specialises in MH issues twice, both times for weeks on end. He's had every sort of therapy going but still when he's 'down' everything is my fault.

When he's ok he tries really hard to recognise symptoms of an episode approaching and to deal with it hut it doesn't always work.

As for the root of his problems, there seem to be many things that contribute but lately hr just says he is sick of talking therapy's and 'going over the same old shirt about his childhood all the time'.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 23:46

With regard to leaving Tipsy, I tell myself I'm going to stick it out until DS14 leaves school. That said when things are going ok we make plans together for what we will do when DC's at uni.

Please don't tell not to stick it out for the kids as both at v well known top ranking public schools. If we split I'm not sure we could afford to run two households and lay the fees. Both DC's extremely happy at their schools with DD on target to attend RG uni and DS aiming for Oxbridge or Ivy League. And yes I know that probably makes me sound like a wanker but I cannot take their current lives away from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowahousewife · 17/07/2014 23:47

Sorry about typos!

OP posts: