Please help - urgent I am at the end of my tether

[nowahousewife]

Sorry in advance if this is a bit rambling and if I drip feed but my head is all over the place. Am on holiday with DH and DS. DH suffers with depression and is having another episode, he's just walked out of the hotel room after blaming all his woes on me. Whenever he has an episode this is his usual behaviour. I just don't know how long I can take it anymore. He takes his medication, but sometimes it's all too much. He has been admitted twice in the last 6 years but when he has one of his down times I'm accused of not supporting him and told I'm the reason he is so unhappy.

Pleased just offer me some tea, sympathy and someone to talk to.

Very sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

Regarding the hernia, can you check your travel insurance? Grasping at straws here butas H already had a medical condition that could flare up whilst on holiday, did you take out cover for pre-existing medical conditions? Wondering if he could go home early.

With regard to his depression, don't lose sight of your own needs and safeguard your health. Keep your own life going, get out as much as you can and spend time on things that help you unwind.

Happy image or not, do reach out for support. Real life caring friends, online communities, religious group - have you considered individual counselling for yourself?

You know whatever accusations he might throw at you OP you didn't cause his illness and you can't fix him.

He is on medication and regularly consulting a mental health professional is important but you are in the firing line. Not surprising there's the possibility one might develop one's own illness as a result of living with a depressed person.

Now, I imagine your very bright children are aware of how their father's depression affects you......them too probably, but obviously they are not being overly affected by it, as they are doing so well. Your husband appears to have had an enormous amount of professional help. You, on the other hand sound at the end of your tether. Maybe it's time for you to have some therapy, perhaps CBT to learn some coping skills. Also, your children are old enough to help support you, in little ways. Explain that you are feeling a bit lost, wanting to support their father, but feeling confused. Don't scare them obviously, but let them give you some of what you need right now.....hugs, cuddles. As long as you reassure them that things will get better, they will OK.

Donkey, he suggested this morning before he left he move to another hotel. I'll see what happens when he gets back.

Opps he's just walked in, will update later.

Hoping all ok (well as good as it can get).

Lady, thanks for those words. I've always tried to protect the children from what's going on, of course they've known when he's been admitted. The first time they were too young to understand but last time I bought a simple book on depression which I gave to DH and he went through it with the children. They are both pretty robust but my instincts are to bring them up as carefree as possible - protect them from the shit life throws at us for as long as I can.

DH is back now, not v happy and trying to have a sleep. He said let's try and have a good day. DS is in next room and still asleep, we decided to let him sleep late today to try and counter the jet lag. Mercifully that means he's not witnessed any of this morning. He has witnessed his father having a go at me and he also had a go at him. When I tried to talk with him about it he is very typical 14 yr old boy and doesn't really want to engage.

Donkey, despite what he says I know I'm not the cause of his illness but sometimes I wish he'd just man up and take responsibility himself!

I agree with other posters who say that you have been trying to hold it together for everyone else in the family and forgotten about yourself . Totally understand where you are coming from re.not wanting the children affected . BUT .... you have done all you can to help your DH and he has had lots of professional help . Sometimes you have to accept that there is nothing more you can do and move on. That doesn't mean I am saying you should leave him . If you think that staying in the relationship is what the family needs for now then there are things you need to do .

Firstly you need to start prioritising your own physical and mental health . If this means telling him point blank that you will not be his verbal punch bag any more then so be it . As you are on holiday start to actually have a holiday ... organise activities you and ds would enjoy. If DH wants to,join in , fine . If not , then tough . He gets to sort out his own activities . If he starts the blame game say " I will not allow you to blame me for all of your problems . I have tried to help. It hasn't done any good . I need to think about myself for a change . Let me know if there is anything I can do to help . If not then I intend to get on with my life ". Then actually follow through with this . You might not enjoy this to start with but you will eventually , safe in the knowledge that your DH is in charge of his own life and that help is available if he chooses to avail himself of it .

You are entitled to a life of your own . At the moment you are being dragged into a pit of despair and actually being blamed for it ! You are not to blame . You have actually been a loyal and supportive wife . Time to remind him of this and walk away from the blame ... not necessarily the marriage , but you may want to think about and plan for this eventuality in the future.

I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time . I really hope you find a way through it all.

Any chance he might be a total tosser?
He sounds like one.

I think 4 seasons advice is spot on. You need to practice an element of detachment to protect yourself and ds. Now seems a good time to start.

What was your relationship like before you were married and the children were born?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

I do not think that ultimately they will thank you for staying with this man and perhaps wonder of you why you are still putting him before you and everyone else. You've tried very hard to cushion them from all this but they know things between the two of you are bad (and perhaps also even blame themselves for their parents troubled marriage). No Ivy League style university education will make up for their formative years seeing their mother ground down by her husband who blames all his woes on his wife.

God, he sounds so draining. I would have given up on him by now. I do t like the fact he's taking everything out on you, and now having a pop at your ds.

I think he ultimately has to have further treatment. How the hell does he cope at work?

Hope your holiday gets better for you x

Illness is not an excuse for treating you like shit. You are not his carer, you are his partner and as such you should be supporting each other. He should be looking out for you just as much as you are looking out for him. It sounds to me like he uses his illness as an excuse to behave any way he likes and because you are a loving and kind person you suck it up and feel like it's your duty to put up with it because you are his wife.
It is not your duty to put up with it. You have done your level best, and he seems to have done jack shit other than just carry on as ever, treating you like rubbish.

There is nothing at all wrong with saying "DH you are the way you are and I understand you won't change. But I can't live like this. I need a better life."

A hernia is uncomfortable yes but not the end of the world. I have a para stomal one and am having surgery in September (had it over a year) it's HUGE. He needs to rest and take pain killers.

I think this is more about his depression. Poor you

He appears to cope fine at work - it is his wife and children he takes it out on

It nearly always is the people you can trust that you treat badly. He's prob scared about the op, if he's like 90 per cent of men.

Unless you are in a really deserted spot in the far east, the doctors will be excellent. When I talked about action I had in mind either doctors or aborting holiday, either for him, or all of you.

We've had times on holiday when DH hasn't been fit to do anything. So, first take to doctor if possible to deal with pain. Possibly expensive but that's what money's for. Next, leave at hotel. He can get room service. Then you and Ds do stuff together. 14 yos like mum time, and if you can do something he can talk about at school later, even better. The patronas towers, scuba diving , forbidden city, sporting place ( you may be bored out of your mind, but you will be with Ds and that's nice). And you say firmly and kindly in. Nanny like way,

"I'm really sorry you are not feeling well. The best thing for you is to stay here, quietly, and once you've had your painkillers from the doctor, you nay be able to sleep. We are going to do x, so you needn't worry you're spoiling the holiday, but we'll be at the end of a mobile. And maybe that will mean you feel a bit better and can join us at some stage. Love you lots, see you later."

I've had to do it a lot. To the extent I now say " would you like a day off? " day off extends.

You just alter expectations. Dad isn't up to it, he works v hard, he's in pain, let's go and enjoy ourselves is your line with Ds.

You decide for you that x and y and z are the things you want to do, ditto for Ds, and you plan them. If DH can come, that's s bonus. If not, you can tell him about it later.

Obviously if you think DH may be going to self harm, then that's a game changer and you may need to cut the holiday short. But if a combination of normal depression and pain, the above works reasonably well.

Posted late last night and somehow missed the bit where you referred to him saying he wants to end everything. In the meantime sounds like he calmed down but am sure you could apply for Consular assistance if he becomes distressed or poses a threat to his own safety.

Yup, and again a Dr.