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Original poster

AAARGH crush on colleague, please help

32 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 11/07/2014 23:28

I am female and have a female DP. Colleague is also female and has just split up with her husband. We are close friends and she confided in me this evening that she has been with a woman before. Since she said it I can't stop thinking about her :/ My DP and I have had quite a lot of problems and this colleague is just so lovely. Just needed someone to give me a quick slap and tell me I'm being a twat. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 11/07/2014 23:45

Bump please

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Lovingfreedom · 11/07/2014 23:54

Yes.....sort out the issues with your partner or finish the relationship. Your friend prob needs you as a friend now rather than coming on to her. Don't be a twat be a friend! (At same time I think crushes are fine if you have the control to not act on them)

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 11/07/2014 23:56

God I know, I would never come on to her. Especially now! I think it all links to my unhappiness with my partner though. :(

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2014 00:15

It is about you and your partner. What are you not getting form her that you are getting from the crush; excitement; ease; lack of stress; what? Name it. Do you want to work on your relationship or is it over?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 00:21

Hmm.. I would say I am not getting any emotional support, affection or the ability to be myself from my partner, whereas I get all those things from my colleague.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2014 00:52

Oh dear. That's a lot of things to be missing. Forget the colleague, that's a red herring. Is your relationship fixable? Do you want to fix it? Is the colleague just an excuse to end it, or a distraction from dealing with it?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 05:29

I think a distraction :( I am focusing a lot on her , helping her through her breakup and getting to know her rather than on my partner. Which would normally make me feel guilty but tbh I don't at all.

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Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 06:59

LITERALLY can't stop thinking about colleague though. Woke up at 5 and have been thinking about it ever since. Argh, such a mess!

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FabULouse · 12/07/2014 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 07:25

Yes :( on my last thread I was insistent that there was no attraction there... Seems I was wrong! Although tbh at the moment I am so confused, I'm not even sure if I know the difference between friendship and attraction. I have always been very emotionally attached to a few close friends and now and again this tips over into me worrying that I am in love with them.

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Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 15:34

Bump please, this is really stressing me out today :(

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sonjadog · 12/07/2014 15:37

What help do you want from this thread? Do you still want to be with your partner or do you want to break up and be with this other woman?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 16:15

I don't want to be with my partner I don't think :( and I suppose I would like to be with my colleague but I know saying or doing anything about it would be wildly inappropriate, especially now!

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sonjadog · 12/07/2014 16:22

Ok, then the first thing to do is break up with your partner. Focus on that first and when you are single, then you can start thinking about dating your colleague (or someone else). You are getting all the stages in this all mixed up right now. You want everything to happen simultaneously. That's not how it works. Take each step as it comes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2014 19:23

Break up with your partner, then. Give yourself a while to regroup, heal and work out how you are feeling. A proper break . Then see how you feel.

20somethingnomore · 12/07/2014 19:36

Agree with what's been said.

I have a girlfriend too and the most important thing to me is that she's honest with me. It sounds as though you've made your name up with regards to your current relationship, but be careful not to rush into anything with your new crush. It really could just be a temporary infatuation and a kind of get out of your current, unhappy situation.

20somethingnomore · 12/07/2014 19:45

*mind up....not name up

20somethingnomore · 12/07/2014 19:52

Polly, just read one of your posts, which I missed before. Sounds as though you have the potential to fall in love very easily. You mention confusion as to whether or not your feelings are just intense friendship, or in fact, you are in love. If you're in love, there's no confusion...you just know.

Also, you mentioned that you started crushing on this woman, after she told you that she'd been with a woman before. So why did your feelings change after that? Had you felt things before? Or was it kind of like you felt that she understood you more and so you had a connection, because she had been involved with a woman?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 22:21

I'm not sure about the friendship/in love thing. I have always had friends to whom I am almost as close as lovers. I am also aware of the timing of my feelings! It seems that I feel a closer connection because my colleague has been with a woman. Or maybe my feelings were always there but now I subconsciously feel I might 'have a chance'?
Basically very, very confused :(

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Quitelikely · 12/07/2014 22:28

So you only want to finish with your current dp if the woman in the office wants to hook up with you? Wow what a catch you are.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 12/07/2014 22:33

No, no, it's not like that! The issue with DP is separate. Also, I know that realistically I will never be with my colleague. My problem is dealing with the feelings, not what I will do about them.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2014 23:08

Polly horribly rude question but are you quite young? You seem a little confused about feelings, boundaries, denial.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 13/07/2014 07:36

Sadly I don't even have that excuse, no :( I am just very very confused and unhappy at the moment. I am suffering from anxiety attacks and fits of crying every day. I think I am projecting my feelings onto my colleague because DP and I are not at all happy.

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20somethingnomore · 14/07/2014 15:49

OP, seriously, I wouldn't even think about starting something with this colleague. The more you write, the more it's obvious to me that you're clearly very delicate and vulnerable right now. That's not to say that I don't feel a bit sorry for your DP. She deserves to know how you're really feeling. Focus on ending things with your current DP and then concentrate on getting yourself better.

Are there any other underlying issues going on?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 14/07/2014 17:23

I am not even thinking about starting anything with colleague. She is younger and more attractive than me and isn't gay or bisexual. I think it would be really creepy to even go there and am paranoid that she will guess how I feel :( the issue is that I am having these feelings and need to try and stop having them, as they are filling up my mind. My partner was talking to me last night and I wasn't even listening because I was wondering whether my colleague had messaged me.
There are many, many underlying issues, sadly- too many to go into here- but I am really struggling.

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