Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What do you think are the limits of 'harmless' flirting when in a relationship?

30 replies

colincat · 21/04/2014 18:03

I know what people will find acceptable varies but generally, what sort of behaviour do you think is ok and what do you think is too far?

I consider friendly teasing ok but think my DH is pushing the limits with a friend of his but he's making me doubt myself.

OP posts:

Adayinthelifeof · 21/04/2014 18:05

I wouldn't be happy with any partner of mine flirting with anyone else whatsoever. Friendly talk, helping them out with something.... fine but not flirting.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 21/04/2014 18:16

Flirting.. not ok in my book. You can be friendly with someone without a hint of flirting.. flirting is sending a definite message as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't be happy of my dh was flirting..now would he be if I did!

Tiredstilltired · 21/04/2014 18:18

Flirting often gets more and more inappropriate if it's with the same person.

Original poster

colincat · 21/04/2014 18:38

Maybe it wasn't even flirting before, I mean just like teasing each other and banter. She is part of his mainly male friendship group and it is what they are all like with each other and I never found it threatening but recently ive seen he's made a comment to her on a text message about her appearance, it was a jokey message but was complimenting her and also joked about her underwear. He says this is harmless teasing and doesn't mean anything but he has known her for 4 years and I have never seen anything like this between them before so don't know why he has started now.

OP posts:

Adayinthelifeof · 21/04/2014 18:51

I'm sorry but find that very uncomfortable. He should not be commenting on another ladies underwear or appearance. It's sounds dodgy to be fair.

Imagine if you were flirting with another guy.... Talking about his underwear and physique...... Would he be ok with this?

AuntieStella · 21/04/2014 18:52

OK are the things you would do/say in front of your partner/mother/children/boss.

If you do not want him to "joke" to another woman about her underwear, then of course he should stop. If he cannot get that underwear is usuallyprivate, and mentioning another woman's is sleazy, then perhaps there is more amiss than a few ill-judged texts.

NachoAddict · 21/04/2014 18:55

I think it depends on context but under ware comments are pretty much inappropriate.

tribpot · 21/04/2014 18:56

I have guy friends that I've known for way longer than 4 years. We have banter and so on, but I can assure you NONE of them would ever make a joke or comment about my appearance and particularly not my underwear! (Very occasionally one of them might notice I've had my hair cut and make the comment many men I know are fond of: "You've had your hair cut." Well no shit, sherlock - do you think you're pointing out something i am unaware of?! But I digress).

Apart from it being disrespectful to you, I doubt she wants to have a mate comment on her pants. Sleazy.

Original poster

colincat · 21/04/2014 21:02

Ok thank you - so it doesn't seem that I am overreacting as he would try to make me think

OP posts:

FamilyCinders · 21/04/2014 21:59

Well, I don't know about this.

I mean, if the text conversation was like:
"Hi Fred"
"Hi Freda. I was just thinking about you in your knickers"....... then yes, I would be worried.

However, if it was:
"Hi Fred. What's the dress code for Friday night?"
"Not sure. I think it's netball skirts and gym knickers"....... then, you know, not so much to be bothered about. That would come under 'banter' to me.

rachel2kids · 21/04/2014 22:07

Flirting is fine as long as you don't go further.

Original poster

colincat · 21/04/2014 23:12

But what do you consider going further rachel2kids?

It wasn't as bad as 'thinking about you in your knickers' but closer to that than the other one familycinders

OP posts:

rachel2kids · 21/04/2014 23:39

Meeting etc

UtterFool · 21/04/2014 23:40

As a general rule I wouldn't say anything that couldn't be said in front of my wife without her going

I'm not sure any flirting is harmless as it's generally a hint at something more than being friendly.

Adayinthelifeof · 21/04/2014 23:43

Yeah I just don't see why someone would feel the need to flirt with someone from the opposite sex unless your trying to attract them to you and give them the impression your up for it.

What exactly did he say in his text about the underwear?

MistressDeeCee · 22/04/2014 00:59

Over the limits = when its at a level where it hurts your partner's feelings yet you continue to do it anyway as its more important to you to be a flirt, and you 'justify' this with open criticism of your partner such as they are massively jealous.

EllaFitzgerald · 22/04/2014 10:57

I work on the same principle as UtterFool. If I wouldn't say it in front of my DH, then it's inappropriate and doesn't get said, and I expect the same from him.

Icema · 04/10/2017 13:25

Hi. In need of some help. I've had a boyfriend now for about a year. He claims to love me loads but I can't help to have my doubts about him. He has been seperated from his wife now for 6 years. But still hasn't divorced her. He stills gives her money to help with there son who is 20 year's of age. He still spends every Christmas with her. Meets up for drinks with her. And helps out with food for the week. He also has a lady friend who is a barmaid in the pub he drinks at on a daily basis. They flirt with each other to the point he smacks her bum He gives her lifts home from work and they have each others phone number. He says there just friends but I am a little suspect about them he has a video of her on his phone of her sat in a bath of beans when the pub held a charity event at the local pub. But when I'm with him in the pub he always tells her he watches it. Am I just being crazy and insecure or is this normal as I've never experienced a relationship like this before. Some good advice would be so helpful please.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 04/10/2017 13:45

Colin as others have said I think 'appropriate' is something that can be said in front of you and others - be it light flirting or banter which I think can cross over. If DH wouldn't make the knickers comment to her when you're part of the group then he's censoring himself which would be a problem for me.

arousingcheer · 04/10/2017 14:09

The thing is, if you've said you don't like it the usual reaction to that in a loving relationship would be to say ok and not do it again.

I mean, if you are in a crazy controlling relationship and your partner doesn't like you looking at anyone else that's their problem, but if your partner says, hmm, that comment on your mate's underwear makes me uncomfortable, and you have a normal balanced relationship I don't know why the answer to that would be 'you're overreacting/it's harmless'. You've said you it makes you uncomfortable so it isn't harmless.

We are all a little bit unreasonable or sensitive about something and a normal loving relationship takes account of that. I regularly meet up alone with a male friend who can be very flirty (he is also in a stable long-term loving relationship and all four of us know each other). It doesn't bother my partner (friend flirts with dh too!), but if it did I'd make changes, whether or not I thought it was nothing.

maras2 · 04/10/2017 14:18

3 year old ZOMBIE thread.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 04/10/2017 14:21

I can't believe I got taken in by a ZOMBIE thread. Again. Aaaaarrrggh

Icema · 10/11/2017 16:40

Help me please as I feel I'm being paranoid. I have a boyfriend of nearly a year now. He has been seperated from his wife for 6 years but yet to get divorced. He still meets up with her for a drink. He still goes round there every Christmas day and cooks for her and there 21 year old son. And still provides her with money each week. They have both verbally had a go at me yet he will still stand by them. He also has a lady friend in the pub he drinks in daily. He flirts with her as does she with him. He has given her lifts home exchanged phone numbers and he even smacks her bum. He says he is only just friends with these ladies and nothing else. And has gotten a little hostile when I have mentioned them. Am I to believe there just friends or am I being paranoid. Please help.

Decemberqueen · 10/11/2017 16:51

Icema start your own thread. This is a zombie. However, I'll bite. My first advice would be to dump him. He stand by his ex when she has a go at you. He flirts and snacks the bum of a lady friend. Why on earth would you want to be with a man like that? You deserve better.

Decemberqueen · 10/11/2017 16:52

Stands by and smacks the bum. Fucking phone.

Flip

1 2