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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being silly or am I right to feel hard done by sometimes??

33 replies

Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 08:44

Recently I've been feeling like I do everything and that dp takes it for granted, but I don't know if I'm being silly and exaggerating it all in my head.

We have a dd (5months) and I'm on ML, he works 6 days a week 11.30am - 6pm.

I like to keep a tidy house, but I'm not obsessive, our home is clearly lived in!

He cooks maybe 4 times a week, I cook 3 times, sometimes more. He puts the weekly bins out ( with reminder from me!) that's his contributions.

He leaves a hell of a mess after cooking and never takes his plate out when he's finished. Or cup or any rubbish etc.

Dd wakes up once or twice a night. I get up and feed her 100% of the time, he doesn't even wake. Same as in the mornings, he doesn't get up till about 10.30 and I sometimes have to nag him to get up. He quite often falls asleep on the sofa after watching tv till 2am.

He moans I nag him, and he's right I do nag and I hate nagging him but I just feel I do everything whilst he has a nice easy life.

Please be honest with me, I need some outside perspective!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 08:54

Sorry that was long, and there's more I forgot...

My biggest gripe is this, he smokes (outside) but even though there is a flowerpot for his fag butts they are still all over my garden path. He rolls inside which means there's always tobacco all over the coffee table and floor. I find this disgusting and keep asking him to roll elsewhere and he does for a day and then starts rolling inside again!

His clothes are all over the bedroom floor, along with random rubbish, lighters, and general crap. His wardrobe is nearly empty and we have a laundry basket.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/03/2014 08:55

It really doesn't matter what anyone else does or thinks. This is your family, your relationship, your home.... if you think he's taking the piss, chances are he's taking the piss. 'Nagging' is a misogynistic, sexist word for having to remind someone to do what they should be doing anyway. So don't use it about yourself and don't let him use it towards you.

What are the consequences to his laziness? What happens to him if he's messy or spending all day in bed? The only way to change behaviour is to make the consequences meaningful and severe. So think on that, work out what you're going to do and then put it into action

Logg1e · 31/03/2014 08:58

It's not you, he sounds like a slob who expects you to be his skivvy.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 09:01

I don't think he even expects it to be honest, I think he wouldn't even notice if I stopped doing clearing up after him and he wouldn't care if we lived in filth!

I love him to bits, and in some ways he is the most thoughtful, loving, generous man but our living situation is getting me down. I do sometimes think my daily life would be a lot easier without him here (although I would miss him!)

OP posts:
Logg1e · 31/03/2014 09:03

Have you actually sat him down and pointed out to him the kind of thing you've written above?

Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 09:04

Yep. And he just gets all defensive!

OP posts:
Logg1e · 31/03/2014 09:05

I just find these threads impossible to imagine.

So you say something like, "there's tabacco left on the table and floor where you were rolling your cigarettes".

He says..?

PicardyThird · 31/03/2014 09:06

Fag butts on the garden path, tobacco on the table and lighters on the bedroom floor (!) are absolute no-nos and will become safety issues when your dd becomes mobile (i.e. soon). Those need to stop and sharpish. (Of course, it would be better still if he gave up - more money for your family, no stinky smell on his clothes for your dd to associate with daddy).

I wouldn't be washing anything of his that he didn't put in the laundry basket. Let him live in dirty clothes until he gets it.

Perhaps you could institute a rule that whoever cooks doesn't have to clear up? Then you do it when he cooks and he does it when you cook.

Logg1e · 31/03/2014 09:08

Fuck it, tell him you've decided you really don't like nagging him to do the bleeding obvious and for the next week you won't.

Then do the Big Box. Everything you pick up, laundry, fag butts, cup etc gets put in the box for him to sort out.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 31/03/2014 09:10

Pick up all his crap that he leaves everywhere, including dirty dishes, clothes and tobacco bits, and put it all into black bin bags. When each bin bag gets full put it on his side of the bed. When he asks where clean plates/clothes are point him in the direction of the bin bags.

Use a swift jab to the ribs to wake him up in the night. Or an air horn.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/03/2014 09:11

"And he just gets all defensive!"

By which I suspect you mean he goes on the attack. He is not thoughtful, generous or loving if he doesn't take you seriously or pull his weight at home.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 09:11

His normal response to that would be...

"Ok alright alright, I'll clear it up" which he never does.
Or "oh it wasent me" in a jokey way (I don't find it funny)

When i was pregnant and working, and extremely tired, he was doing the bulk of the housework as I just couldn't manage it. Maybe for a period of a month or 2. Anyway he always uses this argument when i "nag" him.

"Oh. You always forget i did all the housework in our last flat"

OP posts:
Mrswellyboot · 31/03/2014 09:12

Six month old here and die back to work next week

I do all the cooking, cleaning, and bake bread, washing ironing and will do when I go back (shorter day than dh)

However, when he gets in, he takes over baby. Sterilises bottles. Does bins, sets breakfast table. Washing up. I don't mind doing the cleaning and cooking. Occasionally on a Sunday I will ask him to cook dinner but he uses every saucepan in the house and spends the time asking where everything is. So I just do it.

The thing is, he is very clean and tidy and grateful. I think you need to spell it out to yours that its not on.

For a while dh complained about the collars on his shirts. I didn't iron them for a whole year, now he doesn't complain

Mrswellyboot · 31/03/2014 09:13

Due

Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 09:32

I think I might start the binbag idea!

OP posts:
kilmuir · 31/03/2014 09:36

Tell him fed up with his mess. Nothing left on floor will get washed, black bag for gathering it up if not picked up etc

RedRoom · 31/03/2014 09:44

Lj8893- love the bin bag idea (and the air horn)! At the moment , there us no repercussion to him being a slob because your tolerance threshold for mess and filth is lower than his, which means you'll always have to give in and clean up after him before he does it. After all, you don't want to keep looking at the mess, right? Well, the bin bag solves that. Not only does it clear the crap instantly, it also is a handy way of letting it all accumulate so he can physically see how disgusting he is over the course of a week. Plus, it will bloody stink once he opens it and finds fag butts, filthy clothes, dirty plates and rubbish that he has expected the servants to clear away after him. Re the baby: I'd deal with the rubbish first, but if the watching tv until 2am and sleeping in until 10.30 persists while you are the only one getting up in the night, then when the baby cries, I'd make sure the little darling is right next to his head in bed when you start feeding and nappy changing. A lovely natural alarm clock for him.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 09:47

I'm definitely going to start the binbag idea (although shock horror he's actually cleaned up some of his mess this morning!) if only to prove my point to him and demonstrate how much of a filthy bugger he is!

Ill then work on the laziness.

OP posts:
RedRoom · 31/03/2014 10:02

Good stuff. Keep us all posted! Hope it works! Grin

affinia · 31/03/2014 10:15

You really really need to ban the word 'nag' in your house. Its a hideous word which closes down conversation. Replace the word 'nag' with 'ask' and he would sound unreasonable (ie stop asking me to do my fair share) but by saying nag he puts shifts the whole issue to you.

Its totally banned in our relationship (my dad used to use it against my mum and it had a huge affect).

Original poster
Lj8893 · 31/03/2014 10:19

affinia thank you, your whole post has really put it all in perspective for me. Next time he says the word nag I am going to tell him to replace the word with ask, and if he thinks its still right.

OP posts:
affinia · 31/03/2014 11:11

I'm glad it helped. It sounds like you need to decide some 'rules' for your relationship as the unless you're planning on one DC the sleep deprivation, amount of housework etc will only increase with more DC and you need to agree away to find your way through it together (ha ha I speak from bitter experience having hit a new low after each DC and now we're finished with babies I'm feeling wise!)

Original poster
Lj8893 · 01/04/2014 12:19

Beginning to suspect dp is a mnetter Grin

Last night he came home, cooked dinner, tidied up after himself, made no other mess. Came to bed at the same time as me, got up this morning (day off) and has gone to do the fortnightly shop.

All without any prompting from me.

Of course I'm not expecting this to last, but it's a good start!

OP posts:
Logg1e · 01/04/2014 13:02

Have you told him that you've noticed, and appreciate, the team work?

joanofarchitrave · 01/04/2014 13:05

Why wouldn't you expect it to last?

Agree with Logg1e, some sort of acknowledgement would be good policy.