Finally tipped over the edge by my mother!

[MozzchopsThirty]

OMG I'm shaking typing this I'm so angry.

Just had a text from my mothers new partner who I've never met saying that my mum has a lot of pain in her wrist and back since she fell over on our holiday, she's very upset and I should call her!!

I have text her to see how she is, her X-Ray showed nothing!
I've had this my whole life with my step father with her fucking narcissistic behaviour. Please ring your mother she needs you, if you don't do X your mother will have a breakdown!

I text him back saying when I'm ready to take orders from him I'll let him know.
He replied saying 'why don't you do the decent thing and call her, she is your mother after all'
I replied 'why don't you go f yourself' (yes childish I know)
He replied 'say that to my face you pathetic excuse for a woman'

It's 11pm and I'm furious!!!!!

Yes, he sounds a bit of a pain. But maybe stop texting unless it's for 'meet you at 8' kinds of messages? I think it's very easy to get the tone wrong on a text, and it really isn't the same as a call, at least to my generation some older people.

Having said that, if you wanted him to be polite to you, telling him to fuck off wasn't going to achieve it.

your mother so much in pain she can't pick up a telephone?

He probably isn't aware of the back story with your stepfather, and so you're going to seem pretty rude to him.

What Qix said.

I just want this to end! She sucks the life from me.
I can never win, no matter how much attention she gets she wants more.

She hasn't phoned, although she'd claim this was because she never knows when it's ok to call. I work full time, just got divorced, 3 dcs, its fucking hard work, I don't have the time or the energy to be pandering to my mother

He won't be aware of her back story either, her constant neediness, attention seeking, money grabbing, selfishness
I'll let him get round to that in his own sweet time

Its hardly his fault is it?

HE doesnt know what she is like and you were disgusting rude to him. If anything I would have texted "Thanks for letting me know" and left it at that.

I understand how you feel about your mum but your behaviour to this man was appalling.

Really Mozz, this is an easy one. Decide what you can offer and what is fair. Try and call occasionally- text isn't good communication. Maybe 20 minutes twice a month?

Then self talk yourself into not feeling guilt tripped. You don't need to feel guilty. And nobody else can "make" you feel guilty. If we feel guilty and get angry, then at that precise moment we are the problem, not the other person. We chose to feel guilty and chose to get mad and lash out. Easier said than done not to!

Equally, remind yourself that your mother's manipulation is her issue. You don't need to accept messages via her chosen advocates. She is wrong to try to make you feel guilty, and you don't have to accept that guilt. Ask yourself what is fair and do that.

I don't want to offer anything.
I can't do it anymore, I had it out with her before the holiday but she just carried on.
I can't deal with the helplessness, she is fit and healthy but you'd think she was housebound the way she goes on.
She has made me feel guilty for my whole life.
I just don't want anything to do with her now and certainly not him

You dont have to have anything to do with either of them, but give this poor guy a break! He doesnt know what she is like, he hasnt lived with years of her crap like you have. He thought he was helping, he doesnt know he is being used and manipulated.

Cant you feel even a little bit sorry for him as he is a victim of her too?

I disagree. He sounds like a bully. Who does he think he is, telling a woman he's never even met what she should do?

And then the "say that to my face" business - is he implying you wouldn't dare say it to his face because you'd be scared of him reacting violently? What a lovely man, if so.

Mozzchops, I think you're right to be furious, but the only person who can end this is you. Your mother clearly won't change, so you either accept it or you refuse to engage.

Maybe try reposting in relationships and give the stately homes thread a look.

Your mother is triangulating and hoovering.

She's using this numpty to do her bidding.

Your only response should be to do nothing.

Try to focus on what you know:

She's gone for tests, you know they are ok, and you know she can contact you if she wants to.

Except you know that she won't pretend to care about you unless she has an audience.

She's got this chump now, and is making herself look the martyr, while you fulfil her pre-determined role of 'black sheep'

You've blocked him now, go total radio silence. You've suffered enough.

Talking I read it as a man who has been told what a selfish cow the DD is trying to help and then being pissed off at such rudeness via text as in "Would you say that to my face?!"

Thank you for your support.

I've chilled out a bit today, and decided I will not engage anymore. I can't forgive her for giving him my number, I am more annoyed about that than anything.

He does sound like a bully and a control freak but then that's what she's used to so I'm not surprised

Exactly, Bogey. He thought he was doing the right thing and to be honest if he does not know the history he probably thinks the DD is being a bit selfish not seeing her mother (Mother would have laid it on thick, I bet). I would have not been best pleased after getting the F yourself text. Probably only underlined whatever mummy dearest may have implied already, unless she went down the martyr route "My daughter is too busy to get in touch"...

Probably best to maintain radio silence - unless she wants to apologise to the guy??

Bogeyface, well, when I read the words "say that to my face you pathetic excuse for a woman", it sounded like a bully's veiled threat. I really do think his intention was to bully, harass and control. It is not normal to contact someone you have no personal knowledge of at all and try to dictate to them what they should do. That's my take on it, fwiw.

Mozzchops glad to hear you're not going to engage any more. Sounds like the wisest course of action. And glad to hear you've chilled out today too! You do deserve support with this, it's horrible to go through.

Hope you have a restful evening.

Do not further engage with your narc mother and your enabler. Both these people are intent on hoovering you back in; any contact by you from them is seen as a reward.

Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.

You do not need to feel guilty if you decide not to stay in touch with your Narcissistic Parent - it may be for your own good.
Remember that your needs are important. Don't be afraid to make them know and ask for what you need

Infact scrub that last sentence.

I did text her yesterday to say I hope she was feeling better, that I was not happy about her boyfs texts and that I would ring her when I was less stressed.

She hasn't even acknowledged the text.
She is truly awful.

And now it's just me and the dcs, I have no living relatives

Please Mozzchops, just leave it, now you are trying to smooth things over and win back her approval.

she gave your number to some dick who harassed you.

You told him to back off (11pm FFS!) and she is STILL playing the martyr.

you have done NOTHING wrong, now let THEM grovel and apologise to YOU for treating YOU with such disrespect!

and yes i know that won't happen, her choice!

What Hissy wrote.

Your mother wants to hoover you back in; do not fall for it. ANY contact from you is seen by her as a reward allowing her to bother you even more.

You will never get her approval; that thought needs to be expunged from your mind.

Sounds like my mother. Treats me like shit but I'm expected to take her to hospital appointments etc.

Finally had enough of her and will only have minimal contact with her from now on

You really don't have to deal with either of them.

This is a classic tactic from your mother. To her partner she claims to be in so much pain and that her DD does not appreciate her as she never calls, woe is her. So partner txts you to smooth things over (not realising he's been manipulated). Unfortunately your reaction, while understandable, reinforces the black sheep tag. Your mum then gets sympathy from partner while she still plays the woe is me line. And you get to grovel to smooth things over. Nice eh?

It's really hard at first because of the conditioning guilt but detaching is the best thing for you. Don't play her game Mozzchops.

Still no contact.
I'm still very angry

Unsure what to do about Mother's Day.

Do I send a card and just sign it?
Or nothing?