Finally tipped over the edge by my mother!

[MozzchopsThirty]

OMG I'm shaking typing this I'm so angry.

Just had a text from my mothers new partner who I've never met saying that my mum has a lot of pain in her wrist and back since she fell over on our holiday, she's very upset and I should call her!!

I have text her to see how she is, her X-Ray showed nothing!
I've had this my whole life with my step father with her fucking narcissistic behaviour. Please ring your mother she needs you, if you don't do X your mother will have a breakdown!

I text him back saying when I'm ready to take orders from him I'll let him know.
He replied saying 'why don't you do the decent thing and call her, she is your mother after all'
I replied 'why don't you go f yourself' (yes childish I know)
He replied 'say that to my face you pathetic excuse for a woman'

It's 11pm and I'm furious!!!!!

Take heed of what Hissy and Divinity have written here.

Re your question posed do nothing. Send nothing to her.

Any contact will be seen by her as a reward thus opening the floodgates into bothering you even more.

If you don't want contact with your mother don't contact her~no card ~no anything. I am going to be honest with you though. Your appalling rudeness to this man who is relatively new to .the situation has made you look like the one who's nuts. If you think your relationship with your mum is toxic there is no need to see her but raging at people is only feeding the situation and if you hate her so much why were you recently on holiday with her?

sorr got last bit wrong but still think you were OTT rude

drudge you know what I wonder? How wonderfully polite you'd be if some strange bloke was berating you by text at 11pm.

Winged Monkey.

Mozzchops love you are going to feel afraid. Very afraid. Perhaps you'll feel/be sick with the fear of it all.

This is to be expected. It's not your fear, it's the child you were's fear.

Understand that fear, know that it's irrational and hold your course. Break free if that's what your instincts tell you.

If someone told me to call someone up, a child of theirs, and have a go at them, i'd tell them to ftfo.

My mother has done this, and lets her twat of a H take the fall for it.

Thank you hissy.

I felt very guilty initially, and although I realise i was playing right into her hands I stand by my right to tell a man I don't know who is harassing me at 11pm on a school night to go fuck himself!

i've been nc with my mother for 3 years, her choice, i feel so much stronger now. All that matters is your dc, your dm will never me the mother you want but you can be the mother your children deserve. As for her dp....what a prat! he should know there is always 2 sides to a story.

Definitely no card, Mozzchops. Not if you want things to change.

I'm not saying she will take notice of you in any good way if you don't send one; I doubt she will ever change.

But you are saying to yourself that you're not prepared to take this crap any more by not sending one, and that's how the change comes about.

If you do still send one... Well, it's saying you put her feelings above your own, again. Just like she's always put her feelings above yours and taught you to do too, and your stepfather taught you to do, and now her dick of a new partner is telling you to do too.

Yes, it's very scary, as Hissy says. So it's understandable if you do cave and send one after all. But I hope you can find it in you not to, for the sake of that child who always had to put her mother before herself. You deserve change.

I'd be irritated but say I'd give her a ring sometime then not answer him again. No way would I tell an older person I didn't know very well to fuck off. It puts you in the wrong IMO. If he ever contacted me again I'd just tell him I preferred to deal with my own mother without going through a middleman.

Agreed there was no need to tell him to fuck off, and it just gives the mother evidence of how unreasonable you are.

I think if this was the first time that DM got a winged monkey to do her bidding, telling said monkey to ftfo would be out of the ordinary. Seemingly this is yet another incident of this poor excuse d'or a mother getting others to harass on her behalf, so rightly or wrongly, i'd probably have snapped.

It may not have been the 'right' thing to do, but these are not 'normal family' things.

Yes it does play into DM hands on some level, regrettably, but somehow it also shows that you won't just 'do as you're told'.

And hurrah for that! :)

My dm's H swore at my 5yo. Twice. Once knowing i'd heard him the first time (I coughed an ahem)

I told him that I wouldn't accept that, he refused to back down, so I left. Not before he hounded me out of the door, all the while telling me he'll say what he wanted to blah blah blah,

In the end I put ds on the otherside of the double glazed front door and hissed stfu.

Mother had a go. I said I have tried to reason with a 'man' that felt it appropriate to swear AT my son twice. Knowing I could hear. He's refusing to stop, so clearly I need to adopt language that even HE can understand. I had to drop to his level to be understood.

He never swore at ds again. Reserved his bile for me. After the last time when I called the police to remove them from my house,there's been no more contact.

It's been bliss! :)

No point getting angry with him. He'll be getting played by her same as her ex was and you still are.

Woah! OP, don't give that man another moment's thought. He is completely irrelevant, just the latest delivery service your mother uses. It really does not matter how he feels, he is not your problem. Forget him. As far as you are concerned he has ceased to exist.

Concentrate on what you want/need from your mum. If you have had enough of her then all you have to do is nothing. Allow her to continue her silence. No card, no text, nothing. Let her make the first move.

Be ready with a thank you and goodby response for when she does get in touch.

Good luck.

I would reply that I had lodged his threatening text with the police and that he is never to contact me again. Any further contact will be considered harassment and further action will be taken.

Nip it in the bud.

What do I do if she phones or texts. Do I ignore her?
Hang up?
Tell her I'm not having any further contact with her?

What do you want to happen?

Do you want to go no contact and have her out of your life for the forseeable future?

I can't believe how rude you have been, he surely doesn't know about the background history of your mum, at the end of the day he is new to the scene.

You may be tired of her, but this guy is someone who got trapped in the middle. You have no excuse not to politely explain the situation and tell him you are not going to call. Telling him to f&££ off? Lovely!

You need to decide what you want from the situation. If you want to go NC do nothing. If she texts or phones tell her that you need a break and then block her from everything and don't respond further.
Its possible she won't contact you after the text exchange you had with her partner but if she really does like drama and attention she will probably be in touch.
Try to handle this in a neutral, non-dramatic way _it will be more effective, if she starts to try to wind things up I would be inclined to cut the conversation short.
If you don't really want NC its a completely different matter.

mozz your dm has form for extended silences/cutting people off, right?

Well then, I don't think she will be calling any time soon.

Ignore the calls/texts IF and when they come.

She does... why not you?

Please see my previous post re Fear - this ignoring thing WILL be terrifying, but only for a while.

I had the same with my dm. I'd told her I wasn't happy with her treatment of me, she fired back that it was all my fault, I pointed out baldly that it wasn't.

I told myself that IF she recognised my hurt (which was real and understandable) then i'd talk to her.

4 months and all she did was a weekly voicemail messages (I never answered) that were all about her and la-la-la fingers in ears.

The longer it went on, the lack of acknowledgement of my months of not calling her back, picking up the phone convinced me that these were not normal circumstances.

Normal people would ask 'is it anything i've done?' or, is there a problem I don't know about? after a week or so, right?

So be strong, and go for NC. You won't regret it.

MozzchopsThirty, sweetheart I had a very similar situation with my own mother and her new boyfriend.

Oh my mother used to ring me up night after night telling me that if I didnt give up my job and go and live with her and be her full time carer (she was 49, fit and healthy) then she would kill herself.

She was also an alcoholic and a narcissist and my sister and I just about moved as far away as we could from her and my father had divorced her.

For ages I felt guilty that she was suffering, but she did absolutely nothing to help herself and after suffering years of her abuse, which I only realsied wasn't normal after some counselling I didn't really fancy giving up my life to be her carer.

Anyway I was depressed and pretty suicidal myself with the huge amount of pressure she had placed on me. I was considering no contact then she physically assualted my sister and made up a false allegation against my father which completely destroyed him. she couldn't even bring herself to apologise, so I told her I was going no contact. If she sorted herself out we could start our relationship up again. I meant it.

I would get phone calls and texts, but I ignored each one.

On my birthday I got a very creepy answerphone message from her new boyfriend, except I didnt know she had a boyfriend, and he told me,"I know all about you, but you don't me, and I can't wait to meet you." I felt like I had some stalker after me, I was shaking in fear.

I contacted my aunt who twigged it was mum's bf.

I changed my number. Funny thing is she knew my address, not once did she ever reach out to me. she was the one who had all the making up to do, but she just didn't want to. I agree with Hissy they just can't see that they are the ones to blame.

The bf hung around for a while, he phoned my aunt once to slag my sister and I off for being ungrateful children. Apparently she'd bought us brand new cars for xmas (I wish!) and still wanted nothing to do with her. My aunt told him the truth, but he still believed mum over us. Even some of my mother's relatives didn't beleive us, until they experienced her abuse for themselves. I guess people dont want to assume mums can abuse their own children. And yes it does hurt like hell when people choose to believe these women over their own children.

To those of you who never had such a tortured relationship with their mother, please stop to think why an adult child might not want to have a relationship with their parent. Do us a favour and take their sob stories with a pinch of salt. There is always 2 sides to everything.

My mother is dead now, and honestly the relief when that happened was immense.

It takes courage to cut some one off completely but if you don't you are giving her the attention she is craving, and she will come up with even more bizarre ways to grab it from you, putting you through emotional turmoil. You don't owe your mother anything.

I really don't understand those who say you've been rude to DMs BF! This person has deliberately put himself between you and your mum, and is passing on either a)her messages or b) his take on your relationship. Either way, it is not up to him (who you've never even met) to text you anything to do with your relationship, and he is the one being unbeleivably rude! You are quite within you rights to be rude back - and yes, I think his replies were threatening.

Re you mum - I think a mothers day card, then NC.

I did the same to my DF, and lost track ofthe number of people who said (still say) ' but he's your father! You have to send a brithday/christmas/fathers day card/phone/etc' Ignore. They are not in your relationship, they don't get a say.

I agree with Captain, you haven't been unnecessarily rude and the text from someone who is essentially a stranger was threatening and nasty.

Why don't you take a break from your mum, go no contact for six months and see how you feel. Might take some of the pressure off to have no decisions to make for a while. Some breathing space might give you more clarity about what you want to do long term.

I think your first reply was touchy and a bit rude, but in context of your mother's behaviour understandable. He may not have understood it though, being new to her. At -that- point he was probably trying ot help. It sort of spiralled out of control a bit from the sound of it.

His final reply was totally unnecessary and shows that he himself is rather nasty too. Definitely not worth bothering with.

The issue here is not him though really, it's your mother.

I would not send a card to her and I would not contact her again (and yes, easy to say but it costs so much to do, all the stormswirl of feelings around horrible parents). If / when she contacts you, keep it very distant and calm. If you are unable to do that, if you get sucked back in, then start filtering her calls. There's no need to have any more direct contact with her bf though.

it's clear she still has a lot of influence over the way you feel and that that influence is pretty negative. The Toxic Parents book may help, if you have time to read it.

I don't think you were out of line (except with the F off) OP. And I don't think people necessarily get how enraging it can be to have someone you don't really know call or message to instruct/lecture you about your relationship with your own parent unless it's happened to you. He could have called (not texted) at a more suitable time and spoken kindly, been humble about interfering, asked how you were, made a polite request for you to support your mother, tried to acknowledge your feelings etc, but he didn't.

DH once had to take a treacly lesson from FIL's girlfriend about how DH should behave towards FIL and what a wonderful man FIL is and how important family was to him. Funny how FIL never had any such conversation and can't actually be arsed with DH or our DC. How DH didn't bellow 'I've known him 40+ years, you've been on the scene 5 minutes and only known one side, shut up' down the phone at her I'll never know.