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Original poster

He's just told me he's in a Polyamorous relationship. Do I run a mile?

37 replies

EverythingHappens4aReason · 04/03/2014 00:22

I've met someone online we've chatted only a few times but I'm enjoying it he seems a lovely bloke. He's told me tonight he'd like to meet up but has to tell me first he is in a Polyamorous relationship. His girlfriend is already seeing someone but this is the first time he's felt comfortable enough to meet anyone. I've told him I'd think about it and I'd have 20+ questions first which he says no problem. My head says run but I'd like advice of people who have experienced this........can it work ? Does it ever? I'm not particularly looking for the next great love of my life yet so would a few dates hurt?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 04/03/2014 00:26

You see those hills yonder? Run for them. Run like the wind. Waving your red flag as you do so.

Clobbered · 04/03/2014 00:27

Why, why would you do this to yourself?

LettertoHermioneGranger · 04/03/2014 00:29

Are you polyamorous? If the answer is no, do not date him.

If you're monogamous, surely if the dates go well you'll desire a monogamous relationship? He's not going to change, you'll be out of luck.

There are also STD's to think about. People in polyamorous relationships are dating around, obviously. You can hope they're being responsible with each and every partner, but sadly I've known of quite a few people who think it's 'ok' to not use condoms with their main partner or some secondary partners. I personally believe the risk is greater.

Hix · 04/03/2014 00:29

If you're not looking for the next love if your life I don't see how it would hurt. If you decide at any point that you're not comfortable with it then just decide to stop seeing him.

If you're the type who likes to think themselves in love with everyone they go out with, then I would give him a miss.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 00:29

Do you fancy yourself trying out the ole polyamory then ?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/03/2014 00:31

Polyamorous v shagging around.

Does giving it a posh name make it any more acceptable?

Original poster
EverythingHappens4aReason · 04/03/2014 00:37

I'm not Polyamorous but I've been cheated on in the past in some weird way I thought......well if it's all out in the open. My head says run you'll get hurt but.........
I think I know the answer don't i !

OP posts:
Innogen · 04/03/2014 00:38

I wouldn't. I'd be in too deep, fall in love and have to share my man. I don't share. I couldn't share. It wouldn't work for me.

Would it work for you? Could you sleep at night knowing your man was sleeping with someone else? I couldn't. I'd be up all night fuming and worrying and overthinking.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 00:38

that's not really the way to feel better about being cheated on, love

Original poster
EverythingHappens4aReason · 04/03/2014 00:43

innogen you've just hit the nail on the head. It wouldn't just be a few dates for him would it? He'd be off sleeping in someone else's bed :(
You are all fabulous as always!

OP posts:
Innogen · 04/03/2014 00:47

Glad you've seen it now OP. You deserve a bloke who only wants to shag you! There will be plenty of them! Next profile please :D

AdoraBell · 04/03/2014 00:50

Run, run again, and then run some moré. Then run a bit further just in case.

Naoko · 04/03/2014 00:52

There is nothing wrong with polyamorous relationships if that is what everyone involved wants. I have a number of friends who are part of such relationships. Most ar very happy. However, it doesn't sound like it is what you want. So tell this man, who sounds like a decent bloke who has been honest with you, that this will not work for you. Then move on.

MistressDeeCee · 04/03/2014 00:52

It'll be like a shagathon, won't it?
Can you be bothered, OP?

Original poster
EverythingHappens4aReason · 04/03/2014 00:54

I've just sent him a message saying I don't want to meet him. He's a lovely bloke.....fit too ;) but if that's what they both want good luck to them
Thanks all x

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 04/03/2014 00:54

If you want to learn more about the positives and pitfalls of polyamory, have a read of The Ethical Slut

www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1587613379

Good luck!

tallwivglasses · 04/03/2014 01:07

Wise woman. But in the future, who knows? ;) Tread carefully and look after yourself.

Hedgehead · 04/03/2014 01:42

If you want to have no-strings rogering with an unavailable man and think you can keep your head and not delude yourself that you are going to "win" him over the other women when you start liking him a lot, why not?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/03/2014 02:07

Good decision! TBH for me the idea of dating someone who's shagging someone else would be the least of my worries, the worst part would be how smug and evangelical these people always are about their oh-so-balanced relationships, and the bemoaning of the sad squares who feel the need to "trap" their partners. Sigh.

Asteria · 04/03/2014 02:15

Phew! Good to see you came to your senses so quickly - I was going to offer my services as getaway car!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2014 06:35

Chances are that he was polyamorous but his partner wasn't aware of this :)

PollyIndia · 04/03/2014 07:26

I have a female friend who is married and they have an open marriage. I don't get it one iota, but she says she is happy and who am I to say she isn't. So it does happen! They both pull other people.

Lazyjaney · 04/03/2014 07:38

"Chances are that he was polyamorous but his partner wasn't aware of this"

That would have been my working assumption too :)

Jaynebxl · 04/03/2014 07:42

If his partner is polyamorous and he hasn't been before (although do you believe that? ) then it is possible he hasn't wanted the open relationship and has stuck wkth someone who is sleeping around because he is besotted, which wouldn't bode well for you either. I think you made the right decision.

SirRaymondClench · 04/03/2014 07:44

You said in one of your posts Op that you'd been cheated on in the past and had even thought if it was all out in the open maybe it would be ok.

I just wanted to reiterate that you don't ever have to accept cheating, or convince yourself to change just to make it easier on you.
I couldn't date a Polyamorous man. I know a couple and like Elephant says they are always banging on about how spot on and cool they have it versus the practically puritanical trap of a relationship non Polys have it.
Even if it was something that worked short term, I can't see how it could work out long term. Sooner or later, people develop deeper feelings. I'm sure it works out great for some, but not for me thanks.