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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why aren't I as nice to dh as I am to friends?

27 replies

Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 11:11

I would love some insight. I am much more forgiving and loving to my friends and less so to my dh. I love him so much but I am often up tight and critical at home but not with friends. Why do I do this?? I want to be a good wife to him and he deserves more loving

OP posts:
themonsteratemyspacebar · 10/12/2013 11:27

This might aound strange but....is it because you can be?
I was exactly like this with one of my ex's. I know that my friends would pull me up on being like that with them. Whereas my ex was soft and would do anything for me and not question the way i was treating him.
Im not proud of it in the least but i ended up resenting him as he let me treat him that way IYSWIM?

rockyroadahead · 10/12/2013 11:35

R I resenting him for somwthing mayb or struggling to fir give something he may have done in the past ?

themonsteratemyspacebar · 10/12/2013 11:48

That may be your answer. But as you have given them as examples then i imagine that something has gone on for you to think of them.
It was different in my case, i had nothing to not like about him, apart from the fact that he was a walkover and i took advantage.
If you have the reasons to resent/forgive him, then i would take a look at them. I act like that too if something has happened that i can't forget about.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 10/12/2013 11:55

Have you seen the other very similar current thread on this subject ?

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 12:16

No mistall, do you know what it is called? I am a bit of a control freak so I tend to do everything myself and am a bit of a martyr (like my mum!)

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 10/12/2013 12:19

It's in AIBU. "I know I am being unreasonable...but why"

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 12:31

Thanks mist. It's not dramatic behaviour, it's just slight withholding

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 10/12/2013 12:34

No worries. I just thought there might have been some insights on that thread for you, as well as this one.

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 12:38

Yes def, I am reading it all. I think it is partly learned behaviour but I need to stop it!

OP posts:
rpitchfo · 10/12/2013 12:43

rockyroadahead giving a classic example of how men and women's posts are treated differently on mumsnet.

Two posts in and it's already something the man "might" have done in the distant past.

Plumpysoft The fact your conscious of it is a great start.

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 13:01

Rpitch that's funny! It's nothing he has done. He is a doll!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2013 13:19

Actually rockyroadahead was asking a perfectly legitimate question to determine whether that was a contributory factor. The answer to the question was no, he hasn't done any such thing, therefore analysis can concentrate on other reasons and hopefully solutions. Next question is going to be "how did you observe your parents treating each other" and that isn't meant to imply that all mothers and/or fathers are evil!

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 13:24

There was respect but no visible affection...

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 10/12/2013 13:34

How do you feel when you're bullying him?

Are you genuinely frustrated with him in some way? Are you just taking out your frustrations on him? Do you just enjoy being a cow?

I think you're being very brave btw, and I wish you luck in changing your behaviour.

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 14:49

I am aware of what I'm doing but I feel frustrated and detached. I am thinking now that my mum is a control freak too and often bangs around the house feeling annoyed... I just think I don't show him all the little loving behaviours I show my friends. I'm not really mean to him

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 10/12/2013 14:58

Somewhere down the line you obviously don't respect him.

You'll eventually lose him.

canweseethebunnies · 10/12/2013 14:59

It's good that you are aware of it. I think it's really important that we remember to be kind and loving to those closest to us. It's so easy to fall into the trap of being snappy and intolerant to the ones we love.

Like someone said upthread, it's because we can! It's exactly the reason my 4yr old dd feels she can rant and rage at me, but is good as gold for everyone else! She feels safe.

But it's really unpleasant to be on the receiving end of it from an adult, and it breeds deep resentment in a relationship. Definitely something I try to watch for.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2013 15:10

I got this book once to help me make sense retrospectively of my weird marriage. It didn't really turn out to be any help under the circumstances - and was certainly too late to make a difference - but it was an interesting read and may be helpful. Don't get too hung up on the word "abuse" in the title; you don't have to be some kind of monster, just someone who is aware they're relating in an unhealthy way to their partner. CBT can also be very good if you find yourself trapped in negative thought patterns. You might be able to do it on a self-study basis but I think a trained therapist would lead you through it more effectively.

Wondering whether you could write out your thoughts, including all the positive ones about how much you love and value DH, for him to read. It is sometimes easier to express things on paper than face to face where emotions are involved.

In an ideal world, your spouse is your best friend. If you've learned mummies and daddies are polite but a bit frosty and passive-aggressive, well, it's no wonder you're repeating that pattern, but it is possible to train yourself into better habits.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/12/2013 15:12

I want to be a good wife to him
In what way. Is he saying you are not a good wife.

I would understand more if you were saying that you want to be a more loving and giving partner but I don't like the sentence above.
Not sure why, it just rings alarm bells for me.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2013 15:47

Might one suggest, hellsbells , that it's because the "good wife" label has those depressing surrendered connotations; and/or that it is looking at wife/husband as objects, or roles in a play if you like, rather than as autonomous individuals. It should never be a matter of "you are the wife so you do this, I am the husband so my part is that " - but what works for them both in light of their own skills and preferences. This goes just as much for how they touch or talk to each other as for which one does the washing up or puts the bins out.

defineme · 10/12/2013 15:55

Aren't we just more relaxed with the ones we love the most. I would never be bad tempered with my colleagues, but I might well be grumpy with dh after a bad day at work because I know he'll still love me.
I'm irritable with my dm sometimes too - because I can be and because she'll forgive me. To be fair to myself they take bad days out on me too.
I also don't have to live with my colleagues or friends day in day out, know their less than appealing personal habits and so on.
I think it's pretty normal.
I do strive not to be and I can think of plenty of better forms of stress relief like sex and exercise.
I do always say sorry after I've slammed about the house moaning about the state of the bathroom - I also explain that it's because I'm worried about ds1 or work or whatever.

weregoingtothezoo · 10/12/2013 16:54

One thing I have to look out for is what the balance is like between the things I do with my friends, and the things I do with my DH. If I'm out for coffee/ food, chatting, shopping, walks - whatever is your thing - with my friends, and all I do with my DH is domestic necessities, watch the TV, etc, then I will feel negative about him. It's easy to find I'm talking to friends about how I feel, my frustrations, hopes and dreams, much more than my DH. It's good I have others to talk to but that time, emotional energy, closeness and pleasure is something I made vows to share with my husband. It takes action on my part, to talk to him, plan fun time with him, and make sure I'm not all out of emotional energy to spend on and with him. That's what your situation sounds like to me.
You DO have choices. If focusing those energies on your DH sounds unappealing, then you need to think about why.

Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 17:53

Hells. He thinks I am a lovely wife, it's just me, I always feel not quite good enough at everything.

Define. That's sounds familiar

We're going. Yes that's a good idea. We need some fun time together as well as the everyday stuff...

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumpysoft · 10/12/2013 18:12

Annie Yes I think CBT would be a big help, I had it once before for panic attacks and it did make a real difference

OP posts:
Loveyouthree · 10/12/2013 20:20

I think it's generally because friends can "de-friend" you, for want of a better word, whereas DPs and DHs will obviously take a lot more as y share a home, children, finances, a marriage etc etc.

I'm the same sometimes, it's not nice.

E.g. A friend could say "I'm doing really well giving up smoking" and I'll be happy for them and tell them how amazing they are. DP could say the same thing, and I'm like Hmm it won't last, you were pretty stupid to start in the first place etc.

Mostly I'm nice, but sometimes these snide comments escape! It's hard living with someone - you don't live with your friends, and I suppose there's less "passion" between you...