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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell my friend her boyfriend is cheating?

26 replies

elsabel · 16/10/2013 22:58

Ok, so just that really. Found out today that an affair my friend has suspected her boyfriend to be having for a while is true, and not just hearsay, a reliable source told me details etc. I imagine it makes me sound a terrible friend for even contemplating not telling her, but im not sure she would even LTB and the consequences could be terrible. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Boosterseattheballcleaner · 16/10/2013 23:05

If I was your friend I would want to know, be prepared to be shot as the messenger but she will need you if it sinks in.

What consequences? Is she in danger?

garlicvampire · 16/10/2013 23:08

I would. I have done. Some people (about half) think you should let things play out by themselves. I have been the betrayed wife, and it doubled the pain to find out everybody knew before I did. I didn't feel I could trust the people I most wanted around me.

The friend I told - similar scenario: a few of us put it together, then I told her - was about to get married. She checked our story, called the wedding off, and is now married to a nice person.

Original poster
elsabel · 16/10/2013 23:10

Well he is very unpredictable as a result of too many drugs over the years and i would worry about it coming back on me. I wouldnt say she is in danger, no. I may be seen as shit stirring, we are part of a group of friends who have grown up together and one of those annoying places where everyone knows everyone iykwim.

I feel she may stay with him anyway and id be left to deal with backlash. I am prepared to deal with that but not for nothing

OP posts:
doiwantanotherone · 16/10/2013 23:13

Tell her. I would want to know. If your genuinely her friend tell her.

BooHissy · 16/10/2013 23:14

She suspects already, so telling her will end that torture of not knowing. If you were my friend, I'd be grateful.

EllieInTheRoom · 16/10/2013 23:22

I agree with boo definitely tell her if she suspects already, she obviously wants to know.

I don't understand how you would get a hard time, they sound like rubbish friends if they would do that

TheSirenCalledToMe · 16/10/2013 23:33

If it was me, I would want to know. I wouldn't want a random text message saying "ere your fella is cheating" but to be delicately told over a cup of tea and the person telling me to be ready with a shoulder to cry on.

maddy68 · 17/10/2013 00:10

I would ask her if she wanted to know.......
Just say you have some info about her oh that she will find distressing. You might find she knows already and doesn't want to face facts. ...

CharityFunDay · 17/10/2013 00:13

If I were your friend, and you were mine, I would want to be told.

BrianTheMole · 17/10/2013 00:15

Yes you should.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 17/10/2013 00:39

Not sure really. I mean if you say she already suspects then perhaps it's a different matter, but I wouldn't want to be in your shoes of should I or shouldn't I. Sorry I couldn't be more help. xxx

perfectstorm · 17/10/2013 00:45

God, poor you. What a horrible position to be in. I don't think you have a lot of choice, unfortunately. Maybe do the cuppa suggestion and say "I've heard something a bit worrying about (ratwanker)... wasn't sure whether to say anything..." and then leave it to her as to whether she asks for more?

Again I'm really sorry. Sounds like the person who told you may well not want the responsibility. Is there another, perhaps even better friend you can share this with, and then tell her together? So she has more support, and so do you?

Original poster
elsabel · 17/10/2013 04:06

Thanks everyone for your advice. The cuppa idea is good and was going to be my way of telling her.

perfectstorm as for involving another friend, one of our friends has also found out when i did so im not alone. Were trying to decide together whats for the best

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 05:42

If you have genuine evidence rather than it being just something you herd on the grapevine then it's the right thing to do. Doesn't necessarily mean she'll take any notice, however.

str8tothepoint · 17/10/2013 15:28

yeh she needs to know before she gets hurt even more and you knowing months later on from her finding out will damage your relationship

honeybunny14 · 17/10/2013 15:34

I wouldnt tell her if ur worried about it coming back on u and if she stays with him u could look like ur strirring it loose lips sink ships and what if its not true

Leavenheath · 17/10/2013 15:45

How quaint to see a post with a blend of modern text speak and a dire warning from the war era Wink

No ships will be sunk here if you follow what's always sensible advice in these situations. Tell her only what you've heard, tell her face-to-face and don't pressurise her to do something about it.

So just report what you've heard. Don't put your spin on it and let her reach her own conclusions. If she asks you what you think you can be honest, but when reporting the facts at the start, just stick to what you know, not your interpretation of it.

Jan45 · 17/10/2013 15:49

If she already suspects, you need to tell her what you've been told, do it as above says.

mistyshouse · 17/10/2013 15:51

your poor friend. personally i would want to know

but bear in mind lots of people would shoot the messenger

similar happened to me a couple of years ago, i lost my best friend over it, found out her "d" h had been up to no good, told her, she then completely cut me out and stayed with him

but good luck, its a horrible situation to be in x

Scarynuff · 17/10/2013 17:35

Ask her, "If your bf was cheating on you and I found out about it, would you want me to tell you?"

Original poster
elsabel · 17/10/2013 21:34

Thankyou so much everyone for your advice i have read all of the posts and taken it all on board. Havent made my decision yet, have been trying to think about it from different angles all day, along with looking after my 4 month old dd! Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 17/10/2013 21:39

I think if you don't do it because you're worried about the "consequences" for you then you have to face up to the fact that you are a crap friend. If she doesn't leave her BF then that's frankly not your problem, but you owe her full possession of the facts, especially if she already has her suspicions.

garlicvampire · 17/10/2013 23:27

Leavenheath was spot on about the delivery. No sense in pissing around with hints and what-ifs: for one thing, it'll be obvious where you're going with it; and, if she chooses not to ask, more, you're both going to know you almost told her something major. That's more likely to kill your friendship.

I did perform a preamble along the lines of "this isn't pleasant, I understand if you want to shoot the messenger, but please hear me out." I also bought champagne, because that's what we did in those days (ah, the eighties!), but making a cup of tea's just as good.

It turned into a long conversation, with me desperately trying to remember the exact details and her slowly adding them together with things of her own that didn't quite "fit" in their relationship - he was stealing from her, as well. Afterwards, she really thanked me but said she couldn't talk about it, which I understood. I didn't hear from her for a few weeks, and thought she may have "shot" me after all. When she got back in touch, it turned out she'd double-checked for herself (and discovered he'd been giving her belongings to his bit on the side!), called off the wedding, chucked him out and reported the thefts to the police. Less than he deserved, imo, the parasite.

2cats2many · 18/10/2013 08:08

I have done in the past. I just couldn't bear everyone else knowing except her.

iamjustlurking · 18/10/2013 08:55

I would especially if she suspects, but I would also point out it was up to her to do with as she wishes with the information and I would be there for her whatever no judging, I would just explain I couldn't not tell her in case it all came out at a later date.

When your partner has an affair for me one of the first things I felt was humilation and then thought who else knew, did everyone know but me ?