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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of relationship, don't know how to feel

82 replies

Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 06:59

I'm sitting here totally numb yet devastated. My 3 yr relationship has just ended with him walking out the door. It's never been plain sailing, I've been the more submissive partner in this more than in previous relationships and I've often wondered if he truly loved me.

It all began today by me telling him some of how I felt and asking him if he truly loved me. His responses weren't what I thought they should be for example if he'd asked me that I would have said " yes of course why do you ask that" he did say he did but then said I'm not here just for sex or to get my dinner which seemed an odd response. Basically lots of things came out from me which resulted in him turning his back on me in bed and refusing to speak.

Now I don't feel I attacked him as such I just feel I can't speak about how I'm feeling without it ending like that or him saying its all about me. In the end I said how is it going to work if if you've made it so I can't mention my feelings without you accusing me of making it all about me? And he basically agreed and said he'd leave in the morning. This is not the first time simililar has happened I just feel its different this time and he won't be back.

I don't feel cherished by him and that's really all I was asking for. He's now gone back to his place given my key back. All this even after I apologised for having a go at him. When I did that he accused me of not being sorry but just trying to justify what I'd done. I can never win whatever I do.

He has a way of making me feel its all my fault even if I put a foot wrong and apologise. I did say some hurtful things like he's not interested in me or how I feel just in how me being upset makes him feel. He's never upset that I'm upset he just gets angry that I'm having a go at him. It's so frustrating

Basically I'm upset and will miss him badly as I do love him but I don't think it will work and I do believe he cares for himself more. How do I get through this? I feel guilty because his children were supposed to be staying at mine next weekend and they will be disappointed. I did say to him that he could still bring them so as not to let them down and he said no they,l be fine with their dad. He's made me feel I'm a really shit person who will never have a decent relationship and perhaps I won't maybe it is me with the problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 09:04

I was saying things like" how is this ever going to work if you've made it so I can't tell you my feelings about the relationship, because when I do you say it's all about me" I started questioning him about arrangements for weekend when his kids were coming but he doesn't really like me questioning about ex wife

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 09:11

I keep thinking I'm a horrible difficult person. He did do things for me but often I'd realize there would be something in it for him. Am I awful for thinking this? Perhaps I'm just paranoid and suspicious?

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 09:35

What if I've made a big mistake and went over the top? And he's had enough? It's just at the time some of his responses didn't seem right and he could have talked to me especially after I said sorry. Why am I feeling so rubbish and deserted I can't stop crying but just want to be strong

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 11:07

Am so sorry to keep harping on but I feel like I'm going mad. I have just found out he has changed my email and password on facebook account. It was closed but I could reopen to have a nose when I wanted to . Tried to get in it just now and it's saying I've got no account under that email. HELP. I'm not that bothered about FB but could he have linked his iPhone to my iPad and done this???

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skaboy · 08/04/2013 12:04

Sounds like he is trying to transfer his guilt onto you for not trying to work on the relationship. The best thing you can do now is probably ignore him for a bit and try and distract yourself. You could always make a new FB account? Maybe treat it like a new start?

AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 12:11

If he has your login for FB he could close your account

It sounds to me you made him your whole life, which was a mistake to do for anyone let alone a cruel man who prides himself on being emotionally unavailable

I expect when he thinks you have suffered enough, he will be back to offer you a few more crumbs whilst unsubtly adding even more "rules" and boundaries you are not allowed to cross

You need to build up your defences high enough to tell him to go fuck himself when that happens

Look into some counselling to build your self esteem...it sounds like you are very short of it

SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2013 12:18

Look, he's a complete dickhead and you are better off without him.

However, you do sound a bit like you prioritize Having A Man over everything else and that you are desperate for a couple-relationship. Unfortunately, unless you can lose that mindset you will go from one dickhead to another, because nice men are put off by desperation where nasty ones are madly attracted to it.

You need to avoid dating for at least a year while you build up your self esteem and make a life for yourself that isn't about Finding Mr Right.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:23

AF I believe you are right that is what has happened in the past. I am too soft with people in lots of ways. I give them the benefit of the doubt too much. We were really each others whole life apart from work and families we were together

This morning for once I was really angry at him and showed it and told him exactly how I saw things. My problem is I don't like confrontation or upsetting anyone and start to question myself afterwards

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AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 12:26

You weren't his "whole life", love

You are a convenient soft landing for him to pick up and put down according to his selfish whims

Is there any chance that you could make this the last time you allow that to happen ? Take some control back. He currently has it all...which places you in a very vulnerable position.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:27

SOLID I definitely am not interested in finding anyone else in the near future I know I don't have to have a man. I have come out of a 20 yr marriage bought a property sorted myself out financially and have survived. However I did meet him when I was probably emotionally needy, not a good idea.

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AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 12:28

Then you can do it again, love

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:30

AF yes your probably right if he cared for me he wouldn't do this. I know I can survive without him or any man it's just I doubt myself a lot and think what if I've got him all wrong. That sounds stupid even as I type it

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:32

Does he sound cruel to you? I think he is at times then I see a nice side of him and think he's not so bad

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AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 12:33

I don't think you have him wrong, I think you have him right and you should trust your instincts

His behaviour and gaslighting of you is all the proof you need

He is also punishing you right now by not doing what he usually does which is to come back and offer you "another chance", thereby keeping you on the backfoot and likely to be even more grateful when he does reappear

AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 12:35

Nice/nasty cycle, designed to keep you always striving to see that "niceness" again. The "niceness" is not real, it is an illusion he cannot maintain, although it has been very successful so far in keeping you hooked in and willing to overlook that he treats you like crap

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:36

Oh he's got a bloody degree in sulking and punishing I said as much to him this morning he didn't like that much.

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AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 12:36

Does this article ring any bells with you ?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:38

I must admit I have felt his niceness has something not quite real about it. Which I think is why I wonder if he truly loves me because it seems at odds with some of the other things he does

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 12:46

He does all the nice things he should in the first section of the article so no problem there. However he did say he love me quickly, definitely controls me through his emotions,has a bit of a sense of entitlement, and has lunged towards my throat a few times when "playing" but never hurt me

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 14:02

Am I really that awful? Perhaps I do go too much? Why can't I just be nice

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 14:06

I think I did say Somme pretty unpleasant things and maybe he's had enough. This is he hing I swing from thinking one thing to thinking the total opposite and it usually comes down to me feeling at fault

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 14:52

Surely even if I'd had the worst hissy fit ever if he didn't want it to be over he didn't have to go. I'm going round and round in circles someone talk some sense to me please

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 08/04/2013 16:06

He lunges towards your throat when playing? eh? What exactly do you mean by that?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 08/04/2013 16:35

Not sure how to describe it really . It makes me feel like he might be trying to show whose dominant. He,l laugh and go to grab my throat but stop before he does but makes it into a joke iyswim

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SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2013 16:45

Oh FFS he's horrible. Honestly, he is. He's physically and emotionally abusive because he likes the idea of you upset and begging for another chance and trying to turn yourself into the perfect partner.

Do you have DC with him or share a house? Are you going to have to negotiate the separation of assets with him? If not, just tell him never to contact you again (unless you have to arrange to collect belongings or anything) and move on into a brighter future.