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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me why it is positive when an emotional abuser no longer wants to be with you.

30 replies

FennCara · 01/04/2013 22:44

Yes I know it's an obvious.

I need it S.P.E.L.L.I.N.G. out on days like today.

I didn't end it, which makes me think:
"If this was EA, why would he end it? Surely he would want to control me still, not drop me like a hot rock. Maybe it isn't EA, maybe I'm the problem, I must be a nightmare..." etc. etc. Which, and I know this, is bollocks.

He has found a new victim amazing woman, and is filing for divorce.

Spell out why this is good... please!

OP posts:

Hissy · 01/04/2013 22:46

Because now you can start to heal, reclaim your life and reach the heights you were destined for.

It will get easier.

LittleEdie · 01/04/2013 22:47

If you've been wanting to leave him (likely if there's been EA) then at least he's done the scary part for you.

Branleuse · 01/04/2013 22:49

because it wasnt right or healthy

meiisme · 01/04/2013 22:50

It will be much easier to learn to stand on your own feet again without him trying to drag you back in.

Lozislovely · 01/04/2013 22:50

Because he still thinks he's in control and you'll cave in BUT you won't as you've seen the light and its onwards and upwards from here on in!!!

Be strong and go with your instincts, it's worth it in the end

Hissy · 01/04/2013 22:51

I'm a firm believer that abusers get a feed from their victims, but as they need more and more, the initial 'Love' (or fixation), as it's all about THEM being adored, starts to wane.

Their need for adulation, power, adoration becomes all consuming, and nothing we can do 9an satisfy their imbalance. It's just like addiction to heroine.

So he's found a new fix. She's giving him the power he needs.

You got let off the hook.

Read Why Does He Do THat. It will help.
As will the Freedom Programme.

You're free. Stay that way.

NettleTea · 01/04/2013 22:51

Because he probably started to sense that you were onto him, and before he lost face he has found another unsuspecting victim to move in on....

OhLori · 01/04/2013 22:52

Could be any reason. No longer enjoyed the game. Got bored. Found new prey. Left you because he could. Just got what he wanted and therefore "done" with you. Whatever.

You don't mention the nature of EA. But really count your lucky stars. You won't have to "escape" him, which in the worst case scenarios, can be a nightmare.

Please move on, and don't look back.

Januarymadness · 01/04/2013 22:54

been there done that. The kindest thing mine ever did was to f right off and flaunt his new woman in front of our old workplace and friends and humiliate me.

I got some therapy, dealt with my issues and change me and my life 100 percent. Honestly I am a wholky different, better and stronger person now. I show you my battle scars with pride

izzyizin · 01/04/2013 22:54

It's B.E.C.A.U.S.E he couldn't control you enough to give him the ego boost he needs from being worshipped as Tthe Great I Am, which proves you're more resistant to headfuckery than you may think [bugrin]

It' a great shame that another vulnerable amazing woman has got to learn a lesson the hard way but, in the event that she wises up quickly, be prepared for him to come crying crocodile tears that he's made a terrible mistake and it's you he really loves... as if an abusive twunt like him knows what love means.

Januarymadness · 01/04/2013 22:55

but I still press post before I check my fat fingered phone typing

mowzer · 01/04/2013 22:58

Because he is no longer your problem and you are finally free! Saves you the hassle of chucking him out, and he still gets to be in control (in his head) because he is in charge of the divorce. Chucking out an EA partner they are very likely to be horrific because they have then lost control, how fabulous for you to have him go voluntarily : )
Did you start to stand up to him regarding the EA? That would explain why he chose to go (thought you were wising up maybe, and good on you).
You know he is horrible, not you. It's not you.

SlightlyJaded · 01/04/2013 22:59

Because you could have ended up staying with him for ever

FOR EVER.

Instead, you are FREE

He has left you
He has no moral high ground
He won't harass you to 'take him back'' because 'he's changed'
Some other poor soul will now have to become his whipping boy
You now know the red flags to look for in future
You have a future that can be filled and fulfilled with a happy relationship

You have escaped. Be happy

Original poster

FennCara · 01/04/2013 23:11

Wow quick responses for a bank holiday evening!

Oh I really do hope I'm resistant to headfuckery by now. I was beginning to think I actively sought it out.

The nature was getting worse really: shouting, swearing in front of DCs, controlling finances, tainting every happy event, drink driving, binge drinking, stonewalling, gaslighting, smashing things in front of DCs, criticism, vitriol, leaving me to cry, pressuring me towards an abortion (didn't 'win' though), trying to take my kids away, ignorance of normal emotions and responses e.g. to a miscarriage, to a friend moving away, to housing issues, to interfering in-laws.

He really made me very ill. Still in treatment.

The Great I Am sums him up. Unfortunately he has an army of a family, and a new girlfriend, telling him he is The Great You Are.

I hope one day my DCs realise that he is The Great You Are Not, and that Mummy is Fantastic not Crazy, however they will have to decide this for themselves. I wouldn't stoop so low.

OP posts:

Original poster

FennCara · 01/04/2013 23:12

Plus numerous affairs. The usual, really.

OP posts:

pansyflimflam · 01/04/2013 23:20

It is very hard to walk away from things when they are so familiar to you: even when you know it is fucked up it is hard to believe it is not you at fault (even though I know you know that!)

Above all you have a chance at happiness, a chance that would not have presented itself without dropping this cunt from your gaze. He got rid of you because you stopped buying this shit. Please be happy now as you have clearly spent a lot of your life not being so. What would you tell me in the same situation?

Hissy · 02/04/2013 07:36

Oh I really do hope I'm resistant to headfuckery by now. I was beginning to think I actively sought it out

Until you've worked out what happened to you to think that his treatment of you was acceptable in any way, for a nanosecond, you may be still vulnerable.

I'd recommend some therapy if you can arrange it, call WA to see if you can get some support.

There's a reason you fell into this, and it's fixable. But until you realise what it is, and work to lose your fear of not being able to state your boundaries, there's a risk that yoiu might fall prey again.

Therapy is fab, see what you can access.

Original poster

FennCara · 02/04/2013 08:34

"...stating my boundaries"

That is it exactly. I have spent my whole adult life in one uncomfortable situation after another. You would never think so if you met me. Nobody (bar his family) can fathom why he would ditch me. Definitely in need of non-medical therapy i.e. counselling.

OP posts:

Original poster

FennCara · 02/04/2013 08:39

pansy i would tell you you'd had a lucky escape and to run for the hills.

OP posts:

SpicedGingerTea · 02/04/2013 08:40

Hello Fenn,

You might recognise me from your other thread.

I didn't realise I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until after my husband left. He did me the biggest favour by clearing out the house one day when I was at work. I had no idea - I was left to come home and see the devastation. He had been having an affair and had got some woman pregnant - she was 5 months by that stage.

After the initial shock and trauma, the fog began to clear. Quite significantly. My initial thoughts were 'how can I live without him'. As the weeks went on and I looked back at how he'd been treating me for the last year or so, I suddenly started to ask 'how did I live WITH him'. He was tempestuous, aggressive, critical, controlling, demanding, aloof, bullying - the last few months were all about him and I spent them running around wondering what the fuck was going on and what I (yes I!!) had done wrong. I was lonely, confused and very unhappy.

Fast forward 8 months and I'm on the cusp of giving birth to his child. One that he also said was 'not convenient' when I told him I was pregnant. His mistress (new victim) had her baby in December.

He told me he had the affair because he felt unloved and unappreciated. The truth of the matter is about a year before he left I became wise to his behaviour and stopped pandering to his temper and his drama. I ignored it. This is when he started to claim I didn't love him. How fucked up is that? What I wanted was a grown up relationship that didn't revolve around his temper all the time!

Some days are hard, but it's only now he's gone that I realise during the latter stages of the relationship it was all about him. I lost myself. I am worried about the future, but I also feel free.

You will be fine. He had a new victim now. Sorry for the long post!

Original poster

FennCara · 02/04/2013 09:38

Hi Lou,

That all sounds very familiar. I certainly didn't see the abuse while in the thick of it. A rather large penny dropped in the aftermath.

My current pregnancy is another 'inconvienience' unfortunately. He is coming nowhere near!

OP posts:

Wishiwasanheiress · 02/04/2013 09:40

Because he has brain washed u and with distance u can heal ur spirit and regain control of ur mind body spirit and life

Best of luck

pansyflimflam · 02/04/2013 10:21

And Fenn I am telling you the same thing: you have had a lucky escape and run for the hills

I am six years out the other side and me and my DCs are so much better for it.

OhLori · 02/04/2013 12:02

Let me hazard some other guesses, OP.

You are a nice person and like to see the best in people. Trusting (more or less).

You put a man before yourself. This is common. In our culture, and many others, men are the main breadwinners, this is important, and are "looked up to" for a variety of reasons.

Women (still) are thought of as lesser beings .

You are confused about how you should display your anger or displeasure, so generally minimise it. This could be for a variety of reasons, but just being a woman is generally one of them. A normal reaction to any of the abuse you describe is to (1) punch the abuser in the face, physically or metaphorically or (2) walk away fast.

You are "vulnerable" in some way. Disabled? Broke? Single parent? Alone? All 4 applied to me

Only you know how any of these may or may not apply to you. I know all 5 have applied to me.

So, when I went for man 2, though my Jerk-Antennae were better, they were still screwed up.

But I am in a much better place, and I can honestly say I can spot a Jerk at 20 paces.

OhLori · 02/04/2013 13:04

Sorry, maybe that last post of mine came across a bit clumsily as rushed. I think what I'm trying to do (now you are rid of him) is to focus more objectively and healthily on yourself and your needs ... maybe that will help you on such days ...

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